He did! He said that we have everything figured out now. He said that I can even reduce the Abilify down 25 percent after this next week. My wife reports that I am doing good. In our visists.. I just nod in agreement. What am I supposed to do?

Am I supposed to say that I cry every morning even though I am not depressed. Am I supposed to say that the idea of work is killing me even though I am more than capable? I should be okay. I'm not swinging. I have little depression and no hypo. But this feels unbearable anyways. What's up with that? Wtf is that happy place that I am supposed to find.

I feel like the matrix with the meds... take one pill and forget everything and keep living the life you have always known...
Or take the meds and find the truth. Nothing great, just the truth.

And the truth is... life sucks! What is it we are trying to acheive here when a 'normal' life is just as screwed up as the one that I have always known. I tried to be positive. I tried. I don't want to be quoting people anymore saying to stay positive.

maybe i need to go back into psychotherapy.

[Victoria'smom]

It sounds like Anxiety. You probably do want to go back to psychotherapy at the least you can be honest and open with out worrying that you are scaring them. Therapy has taught me a "normal" life is too much for me. I can't juggle it long enough, so I've had to adjust to MY /my families normal life. Please think about adjusting your normal to happy.

[faerie_moon_x]

Psychotherapy is a big part of treatment. As someone who hasn't been medicated all that much, I can say that the times when I've been able to see a psychologist always, always help me temporarily. It is a balancing act. You need the treatment of meds plus the treatment of getting everything out. These are things I'm missing in my own balancing act, and i don't recommend going the road I'm on.

[Faraway tree]

Yeah normal stable life is pretty boring huh? Though I think is meant to get fun as you start to fill it up with things. Like all the things you couldn't do when you were sick. I don't know, I'm still not there yet myself.

Bipolar feels so much more real though. The ups, the downs, you know what I mean. It like there is me, then a bubble layer filled with bipolar, then the world. Usually getting through the bubble layer takes so much energy that the simplest task is an achievement - feels like you have worked out your brain. But when I feel ok it's like there is no bubble layer, just me in the world... Yawn. No battles to slow down, no demons out to destroy me, no racy thoughts. Just me, the boring real world - haha what even is that all about? No wonder the majority of the population is so lost half the time. Maybe we should all take up sky diving?

Oh dear, almost talked myself out of being a good little dedicated and medicated bipolar in recovery haha. I'd best be off - today is medical day for me. there are brains to be pieced together and medicated :/

Laterz

its not that its boring... it's panic stricken and scary. It is just as hard to function now as it was before... but now i have no defenses. If only it was that easy.

[hamster-bamster]

And Lorazepam does not help? (btw Clonazepam helped me better than Lorazepam). And running does not help? And sex does not help, even temporarily? Nothing helps, right?

lorezapam helps... but only calms me down. nothing else helps. I'm just stuck and feel trapped and I'm starting to get really depressed. maybe im just cycling again, but this feels different.

[hamster-bamster]

I think the p-doc should not rest on his/her laurels yet.

maybe the problem is me... personality, who I am. Maybe that yeah, my GAD is still out there, but maybe I am lazy and just not a good person. Mabye i want to be, but am not. that would make the most sense to me.

[hamster-bamster]

No, you clearly ARE a good person.

it's hard to hear that. I sure dont feel that way. I think that my emotions are out of control. not my moods... but my emotions. it hurts.

[hamster-bamster]

I have not had good experience with psychotherapy, so I am hesitant to recommend it, but in theory, problems with emotions call for psychotherapy. Is it something you can afford now, with the truck?

[Confusedinomicon]

I think you have gotten to a point where therapy would be ideal. Medication cant take away trauma but a good therapist can help resolve those feelings. ((Hugs))

Youre a good guy. I lurk more now and see you are trying.