Depressed brain lately

I wake up in the night and think about how my life is a big mess. Bi have cornered myself into this mess and still can't figure a way out. I try to do fun things with my kids to distract myself and I'm with a friend- a coping tactic. I try to think of reasons I'm a good person but I still feel a failure despite being a good person. All I'm good at is being a parent but outside of that my life is down the rabbit hole. I haven't figured a way out, only added new layers. Luckily I don't think I want to die but I do want to be in another state of consciousness. Only my kids keep me on this side of sane yet I can see my life ending sooner than later - I see impending doom. A mess which nobody can help me with. In which every door that opens is slammed in my face. Once my kids are grown I don't see a purpose for me. I'm sad but I can't cry. I will watch yet another funny movie and tick off yet another day.

Well, I'm grown but I still need my mom and she's not here. I need her a lot, actually. So, even when your kids are grown they will still need you.

I understand how you feel, though. I have no accomplished any of my dreams in life. I don't feel like more than a bit of dust caught in a tornado. My hope is one of my children will reach their dreams, and I will know I was part of that one thing.

My main issue is I can't find a way to move out on my own. I just can't. And it's killing me because living here is killing me.

I feel like staying out indefinitely - on a wave of soaring... With pleasant breezes until I spy a twilight BBQ and swoop down for a bite an fly away inside nothingness to nowhere and everywhere. High up when the breeze never ends and all people are my best friends.

I really don't know what to. Do. It's like I'm in a relight episode wherecim in an alternate universe.

Having visions of Sui. I'd rather be dumbed out.

I feel like people are ignoring me. Friends don't want to talk. Is that because I want to talk so much?

I dunno what to do but sleep again and them wait for people to get angry with me. How is it to be trying to live but have everybody/ and sometimes you- angry at you?

I'm in a vortex where there ate no answers. I am in an alternate universe where I play out a repetition of an experience - even though they are different they feel the same. Even though I feel different it's transient. It's all the same feeling underneath.

((((( Moose )))))

Im sorry your feeling such pain... Just know your not alone.

Be kind to yourself .

Ty.

I don't know if my pdoc would care?

I think you should call your pdoc and let them know how your feeling .... Maybe a tweak in the meds may help? Do you have a Tdoc? if you do maybe you can get in for a sooner appointment? I know when im feeling like a mess the best thing i can do it talk things over with my Tdoc ..

((((( Hugs ))))))

Take care of you please

T is Monday. It's one of my last 2 or 3 appointments with her.,

I've told my t and pdoc all of these things before. Same problems new day. I thought my pdoc had told me I'd been going to per too much. But last time I saw her and mentioned this she said she hadn't said that. Last time this happened I got celexa but it threw me into hypomania.

Hang in there moose! Don't give up and don't sui. Tell your T and Pdoc AGAIN. Try another drug, just not one you know will make you manic. Are you on a mood stabilizer? Perhaps that plus an a-d will even you out. But you definitely need to tweak your meds.

How come you're stopping with the T?

I feel you, Moose. I get into those hopeless spirals too.

I would offer more but I'm kind of trapped in one at the moment, too.

Hoping you are okay.

T is retiring.

I am on Zyprexa and lithium. Celexa a number of months ago put me into hypo pretty bad. I could not stop moving and talking!

Thank you for your posts today. They have helped!

I can't sleep. And I feel guilty.

My psych office is closed today. I called per and the sw was very nice. Suggested I go out with the kids. So I took all to see Madagascar 3. That was cute. We had lunch and dairy queen. But they didn't seem to enjoy themselves very much. They wanted to go home right after and now I'm stuck here because I can't leave them with my mean mother here. So I'm stuck. I found one place that has fireworks tonight but I'm not sure where it is. It's a festival.

Be kind to yourself ...... Just know this also will pass ...

Hang in there ((((( hugs ))))

Madagascar 3 looks fun. I just saw a preview of it.

Sounds like you had a good day. Kids sometimes just want to be home. I know mine are like that, too. Hopefully you can go to the fireworks show. I find that having things to look forward to helps me.

Things to look forward to! Yes. Sparklers. I bought some. Eldest went with a girl to the fireworks with a friend. I just finished watching most of a documentary on YouTube. They always seem to block part so you can't see it all.

Feel anxious a friend won't reply to me. Watching tv. Some anxious. And waiting up for my eldest to get back from the fireworks.

I don't think anyone likes me. At least not today.