Night Shifts...now my life is falling apart.

Resident Bipolar · Jul 03, 2012, 01:04 PM

So. Everything got really, really good.

I became an extremely motivated individual - waking up at 7am and going bed at 10pm. I started doing housework; I felt great but not manic; and things between myself and the boyfriend were wonderful.

Then I got a job - two nights a week at ASDA (UK version of Wal Mart) stocking and stacking from 10pm until 7am every Friday and Saturday night. I was elated. I felt as though I had overcome my bipolar disorder, and I could finally begin earning and living as an adult. And at £8.27 (about $12.96) an hour, it wasn't bad pay either.

My first three shifts went really well. I got praise from the night manager and even though the heavy lifting and rushing about to get two aisles stacked with a massive delivery two nights in a row caused a lot of physical pain...I felt a sense of achievement and accomplishment.

Last Saturday night is where it all went wrong. My mood crashed; my brain wasn't functioning properly; and I was in so much physical pain that the heavy lifting and stacking up to 40KG of weight above my shoulder level became almost an impossibility.

I kept walking off the shop floor, holding back tears, to go into the staff toilets...where I sat crying for a total of about an hour. In the end I couldn't take it, and I rushed out to the office to collect my things and walked out on the job. Suicide was on my mind, and I sat crying on the street at 12am waiting for a taxi home. When i got in I cried more.

Sunday was the aftermath. I self harmed for the first time in months and hit a vein. I smashed up my mirror, and my room is messy - something that depresses me more and I normally never allow to happen.

If it wasn't for the fact I have my boyfriend, I would end it without a second thought. And at the moment I'm having slight problems holding the relationship together through the struggles.

When will I ever get a break?

RB ♥

Jul 03, 2012, 01:19 PM

Hate to tell you, but night shifts and bipolar just don't often play well together. Any chance you can talk management into a day shift?

Resident Bipolar · Jul 03, 2012, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Hate to tell you, but night shifts and bipolar just don't often play well together. Any chance you can talk management into a day shift?

I realized that AFTER I got the job. I'm hoping if I go to see my doctor and get a sick note for it, they'll keep me on as an employee. We'll see.

RB ♥

rosabella · Jul 03, 2012, 02:08 PM

You may want to speak to your therapist about fine tuning those meds. You are on alot of stuff and still hitting the bottom as hard as that, there is something not working correctly. You should not be shooting to high or too low. That is part of the function of the seroquel, to control the mania. The higher you fly the lower you fall. I know all too well and it sucks when you are working and it happens. It doesn't matter what shift you work, I worked morning shift and found myself crying in the bathroom in between clients. How you feel doesn't stop because of what your doing. I would work with the meds and see if you can change something to keep this from happening. As far as your employer, you may or may not get your job back since you walked off without an explanation. They are not legally obligated to give you your job back doctors note or not. I would speak to your boss alone and if you chose to disclose, make sure that the disclosure does not go on any employment records. Tell the person this is just a verbal disclosure that you don't want it on any employment records or indicated in any reference. Good luck and I hope that you can overcome this and stop harming yourself. I am glad you are trying to stay close to your mate which is very difficult when your feeling bad.
Peace

Victoria'smom · Jul 03, 2012, 02:33 PM

I hopefully after seeing your pdoc you'll be able to get back to the stable.

cocoabeans · Jul 03, 2012, 04:19 PM

You swapped your schedule. That is difficult with anyone, bipolar or not, MANY "normals" can't handle night shifts. Don't take this as a sign that you can't work but, that (if you can keep that job) a sign you need to adjust to nights. Pills to help adjust your sleep schedule (swap it to sleeping days) OR find a day time job, will help.

Picassoschild · Jul 03, 2012, 09:18 PM

I'm a paramedic, bipolar and work nights. I feel like I have a trifecta of failure going on here. It helps, if you have to keep your night schedule, to keep your room as dark as possible when you sleep. I have blackout curtians. And keep it cool in your room. If possible, keep your daytime sleep schedule even on your days off. I sleep during the day even on my days off. (now,I am in school, but my classes are all afternoon). It will be hard for a while but you can do it. I've done nights for 12 years. I even eat breakfast in the evening

its weird, but I swear it's not as miserable as one might think. And 24 hour grocery stores are really interesting at 3am

Jul 04, 2012, 12:23 AM

RB! My last job often involved that shift and it really can be rough with BP.

It might be that for some, a full-on shift in one's schedule helps ameliorate it, but that can be hard to do, depending on circumstances. In my situation, it wasn't feasible, as I also worked days and occasionally swing shift. Days worked and shift worked were random. That's undoubtedly the worst situation(!) One problem with that shift (in my case) was that instead of being tired come morning, I was wired. In a bad way. Also, sometimes visual perceptions went wonky. Rather freaky driving home sometimes.

There were some hallucinations, even after sleep, both visual and motion. Those things can happen to "normals" too, but I'd have to guess we're more prone to it. I never knew where one left off and the other began.

If you are able to switch to days (or even swing shift), I'd really recommend it. Personally, I didn't find pills helpful. I very rarely have trouble staying awake for ridiculous spans of time, but on the rare sleepyhead occasion, caffeine pills were horrid. Talk about feeling shite. At the other end, trying to "un-wire" (mind you, "wired" did not require assistance) took too much chemical intervention, and even then was only successful for a few hours at best, and certainly nothing even approaching a decent amount of sleep. Then stuck in mental limbo-land. Oh. And med adjustment had no effect as it was not a med issue, but a circadian one.

Anyhow, yes, see if you can get switched to days. I was able to speak up both for days and for limiting graveyard shift runs w/o disclosing by simply saying it was "medically contraindicated" or that my medical provider had said that I shouldn't. For him, that was enough. (Didn't mean he never ever asked, just that I had established a boundary to refer to in turning it down when it came up.)

All that said, don't be too hard on yourself. Overwhelm/toilet time can happen on any shift, and has probably happened to all of us. And "normals" too. Your manager was impressed with your hard work and said so. I should think this would incline him(her?) to work with you in finding a schedule that works.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Resident Bipolar · Jul 04, 2012, 08:00 AM

Update

So today I spoke to the people manager. Apparently they're going to get me to see their Occupational Health people to see if I can actually work...so in the end it looks like I might actually get told I'm not fit to work anyway. I'm hoping that'll mean I can get some sort of financial support/benefit because if I get told that I'm unfit to work, I'll have no money.

Other than that, she said that the nights I'm working are the ones they need people for...and as I'm so early on in my probationary period they might not be willing to change my shifts, as normally they won't change shifts and working patters until 12 weeks of work.

She said she'll call me back later this evening to tell me what she's found out, and she may get one of the night managers to call me either tonight or another night.

I'm sick of this.