[purpledaisy]

I had a REALLY, REALLY crappy annual review at work today.

Met with my young, inexperienced, girl who just became a manager even though this is her first real job and she's only had it for less than 4 years.

I was not fired or put on probation, but I was told that things can't continue this way.

Confiding in her about my bipolar will NOT work. I know this now, after the review. I'm afraid she'll be one of those bosses who fires me for it but uses another reason.

A lot of the negative things in my review are due to the bipolar, but I couldn't tell her that.

Along with many terrible things she told me about myself and my performance, she said that she caught me nodding off, catching myself, and waking myself up during a couple of meetings. This happened not long after I was hired, back when she was not my supervisor.

The nodding off was due to my sleep apnea, and I was nodding off because the machine I wear each night so I can breathe while I sleep was in need of some maintenance. I didn't know this yet because I had not yet had my appointment with those specialists and doctors. Once I had the appointment, they gave me a loaner machine while mine was gone for service, and I've been doing great. No nodding off at work.

Yet she remembers this all these months later.

When she brought this up, I said, "Yes, but that's because I have sleep apnea."

She interrupted me and said, "That doesn't matter. So-and-so also has sleep apnea, but he doesn't fall asleep at work. Look, I'm not going to argue about medical conditions. The bottom line is we're all here to perform our jobs."

It is difficult for me to follow directions. One of the people who has been training me started writing out directions in detail. This has really helped me and, from what I understand, is often helpful for other bipolar people.

She used that against me in this evaluation. She said it wasted my coworker's time to create that step-by-step guide for me to use and I need to do my work without those kindsd of helpers.

Wouldn't that be classified as reasonable accomodations to help me do my job, if I were to come forward with the bipolar diagnosis?

There are too many things to go into more detail here. Brand new employees have zoomed past me and are being praised. I don't follow directions, I miss deadlines, I don't take ownership of my projects, I don't understand the techy side of the job. Yet she said I listen effectively and always ask questions.

I just sat there thinking, "Geez. I didn't think I was THAT bad at this job, but I really don't have the energy to care enough to turn into the most valuable employee."

I'm feeling pretty crappy about myself in some ways right now, but on the other hand I've always been an entrepreneur at heart and this is a wake-up call and reminder that I never intended to stay at this job for very long. I had intended to stay maybe 2 years while I build up my own business on the side, and then quit the job once my own business actually brings in enough money to do so.

She did give me great scores on my communication skills, getting along with others, and all that stuff. Most of it is because, while manic for a good while, I was the department party planner and had several events to try to get everyone to get to know each other better.

I hit a depressed spell and, next thing I knew, they had taken my party planning role away and gave it to this little ***** that I work with.

Enough babbling from me for the night!

Just wanted to share my lovely review and the fact that I'm even more hesitant about sharing the bipolar diagnosis.

Several people on this forum suggested I check into short-term and long-term disability insurance here at work. I do have it and they would pay a pretty good hunk of my salary if I were off for a while. I've printed the info and will review it. Might be a good time to see if I can get my doctor to get me a few weeks off. My regular MD is still trying to get me in to see a psychologist. My MD felt it would be easier to get a psychologist and then get in with a psychiatrist. Difficult to get appointments with either around here lately.

P.S. I think I'm still a little manic because I bought a Kindle Fire online, bought an expensive new purse and organized everything in it (I'm a very disorganized person), I've been shopping for rental houses and apartments and ALMOST put down a big deposit on one but caught myself, I was able to jump out of bed this morning at 6:30 and made it to work by 7:30 (usually get here a few minutes until 9:00), and I've been cleaning my house like I'm on a marathon.

FOOTNOTE: My grown son and I were about ready to make the decision to move in order to be out from under my controlling, narcissistic mother's thumb (since she owns the house we live in). But with this terrible review, I'm nervous about leaving. Renting something comparable will take about $300 more per month, plus moving expenses.

[eloquentdisaster]

I'm really sorry to hear about your review. A lot of people are still really ignorant about mental conditions and illnesses.
I hope you have it better if you decide to move, especially if you'd be switching locations and job as well. It might be hard, but it sounds like it would be worth a struggle.

[hamster-bamster]

Well, they are NOT putting you on probation. They are NOT firing you. From your earlier post I feared the worst, frankly.

[rgb11]

Keep in mind the economy this year....

I put in a STEALLAR performance this year. Extra hours (that were not negotiated up front). I'm talking 2am phone calls. 5am phone calls. Sunday morning work (unplanned). I was praised. Most difficult year of my life and I am NOT bipolar. I was promised I'd be rewarded. I also moved to California where my cost of living skyrocketed.

My jaw hit the floor when I was told "3% raise"

My boss thought this was GOOD and I'd be HAPPY and that I was 'ahead of the pack'

I was and am terribly insulted and I'm fighting it. I couldn't have put in a better year.

The fact is, the economy sucks and companies are trying to pretend this is a good thing (having a job) and really treating people like they are replacable.

So, take it with a grain of salt. At least you didn't lose any percentage points like a lot of people did this year.

I'm supposed to be happy with my 3% but it felt like a slap in the face.

[BipolaRNurse]

A lot depends on the workplace culture and the kind of boss one has when it comes to disclosing a bipolar diagnosis on the job. I'm very fortunate in that I work for arguably the most decent human being on the entire planet; however, not everyone else at work is as educated or as knowledgeable as he is, and I recently learned that some of the staff are nervous around me. They don't know if/when I'm going to "snap"; they don't understand how I can be the consummate professional some days, and on others I suck at everything. It never occurs to them that once in a while, a bad mood is just that---a bad mood---and bipolar people have 'em just like everyone else.

I'm the same person they knew before I was diagnosed. Why doesn't anybody get that?

[BuggsBunny]

RN, too many Psycho movies and the bad movie and media rep we get just being mentally ill (regardless of the diagnosis) has people leery of anyone with any sort of MI label. And the older the person, the less understanding there will be. They just assume we are all schizo and on the very of cracking and going on a murdering spree. At least, that's my experience with people I have told.

Mostly, I stay in the closet, even when I was working in social services, where you would expect people to know better. I think it's way safer that way.

Purple Daisy, if you haven't told your boss, my advice is that you don't. You might want to look for a more BP friendly job, but don't get yourself fired from this one in the meantime. And judging by what you report, I think that telling her would make a prefect excuse for your younger and less educated boss to fire you.

Please wait until you talk to a psychiatrist before making any major decisions.

Try not to worry about the annual job report.

(Others over her head are watching her performance, too. Too much of that and she'll be the one to go. Job performance ratings are designed to help, not to put down.) She seems able to spot the negative, but not so much of the positive...hmmm, makes you wonder, doesn't it?) Morale is important in the workplace, too.

The right medications may help you perform at the level you feel is safe for you.

Take care of yourself first, please.

Genetic