what I'm basically gettin' at here is that I'm just really the F tired, not today now but in general...but somedays it hit's me hard in the head that it's never been easy and it's been going on and on dis-easy and feel drained exhausted like my illness is constantly hunting me down and I'm forever on the run whats it gonna do next? where can I hide?....I'm just so damn over it!

seems the best of me has been and gone
and the me thats left's just hangin' on
it really once was such a thrill
to be all free not mentally ill

...the ups and downs can kill the soul
forever climbing out of the hole

unfair this thing this life this test
all I ever done was do my best

burnin' out I need to rest.

(way too cheerful for my own good!)

I was told I had manic depression when I was 27, I shrugged it off, I was told I had ADD about the same time... I was invincible! I was invincible from the time I left home at 18, I was unstoppable anything they could do I could do twice as good and I was on my knees in a dirty dark little shower in a drug rehab in Sydney sobbing quite a bit at 27 years old.

...dried my eyes and outa there and then back in there and outa there and back in there and outa there (stuffed if I know what I'm gettin' at here it don't matter)

...here boy! I'm a doctor..take these, take this as well and take that and then come back for more. ok I will and hey man! on the street, give me that...these and lots of those. Talk about flying blind! nobody knew what to do with me.

they called me the "untreatable" and they put me on the disability.

I kept flying so high and plunging so deep and stopping never to look at whats in between...the ever untreatable me.

then into my 30's I began to get more radical if that was possible?

and of course with radical comes unpredicatable and highly reckless and things start going public and police and hospital beds and courtrooms and on that goes...and a new diagnosis of BPD from out of nowhere but it fit all nice and snug.

up to the 40's and beyond now...soon and the last few years have been the worst because all the excessiveness has met me here and beaten me down and I'm on my knees in a new way but all over again.

I'm not a bipolar mental illness success story yet, not like the 'world' would expect but I'm a survival success story and thats gotta count but who cares? it matters not to me.

I was untreatable from the start...but

something keeps me moving

[Trippin2.0]

s my monkeyman friend! James, you're effing amazing, I hope you know that

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

s my monkeyman friend! James, you're effing amazing, I hope you know that

Ophelia you're some kind of angel in your special way, beyond that I'm speechless...you made me smile I found some teeth I didn't know I had!

thankyou so much x

[cocoabeans]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

Ophelia you're some kind of angel in your special way, beyond that I'm speechless...you made me smile I found some teeth I didn't know I had!

thankyou so much x

Of course I know what you meant but, for some reason, "found some teeth I didn't know I had" made me picture an old guy putting on a wrinkled pair of pants and finding teeth in the pockets. Holding them up with their lint counter parts in the palm of his hand and a big toothless grin. I find spare change that way, why not teeth?

Originally Posted by cocoabeans

Of course I know what you meant but, for some reason, "found some teeth I didn't know I had" made me picture an old guy putting on a wrinkled pair of pants and finding teeth in the pockets. Holding them up with their lint counter parts in the palm of his hand and a big toothless grin. I find spare change that way, why not teeth?

yes indeed ... the alternative version and brilliantly done there cocoa!

something subtle.. subliminal even, in my awareness detected the possibilty of someone like yourself thinking that...hehe

[Trippin2.0]

So glad you found some teeth James! I have 1 in my purse... Sssh, its my daughter's, the toothfairy was on leave

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

So glad you found some teeth James! I have 1 in my purse... Sssh, its my daughter's, the toothfairy was on leave

me too Ophelia, suddenly toothbrush looks inadequate!...

ouch she ok? (daughter)...that toothfairy cannot be trusted everytime.

all said with whisper cos of ssshh!

[Trippin2.0]

Lol, She's good I took over for the toothfairy, the biatch owes me money!

...damn shortchangin' tooth*****!

glad daughter is good

hey I wonder what does the biatch do when her fairy teeth drop out? cos if she doesn't pay up you might get in a fight with her

[Trippin2.0]

Lol, she better watch out yeah

..imagine how tough crazy biatch an elephants toothfairy would be?

bigass crazy tough fairy biatch that one....clear the room I got tusks here damnit!

[Trippin2.0]

James, you crack me up!

resisting the need to analyse the laughing and just laughing yep Ophelia...

really cool indeed!..

[Clinte89]

Wow monkey you are quite the success Id say. You managed to deal with alot and come out here joking and seemingly having a good time. I would say coming from where you came from to here your a success so hold your head high and be proud.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

resisting the need to analyse the laughing and just laughing yep Ophelia...

really cool indeed!..

You're absolutely right James, sometimes (most times) we just need to enjoy the moment. Guess the trick is to know when analyzing is a neccessity, and just let our hair down the rest of the time

Originally Posted by Clinte89

Wow monkey you are quite the success Id say. You managed to deal with alot and come out here joking and seemingly having a good time. I would say coming from where you came from to here your a success so hold your head high and be proud.

well buddy...it's just not possible alone!

all the crap I went through all them years mate....no-one understood me and I'm not sure still if that was anybody's fault it's just the way it worked, blaming people just made me worse cos resentments hurt.

yep it's good to have a bit of a giggle....everyone here seems to get it and thats just priceless!

thanks Clinte you are way kind

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You're absolutely right James, sometimes (most times) we just need to enjoy the moment. Guess the trick is to know when analyzing is a neccessity, and just let our hair down the rest of the time

I'm gonna keep this one

(the hair is as far down as it can get, in fact it has to go up a bit first and then it might want to come down but it looks silly)

thanks Ophelia... x

[Trippin2.0]

I'm glad you want to keep it James Many massive monkey s to you my friend

[Seaswept]

A couple of times, lol, when my kids were little I'd forget to put the $ under their pillow- what a horrible mother! I always told them she must have had a really busy night and then place it there the next night. Another time, my husband thought I took care of the $ and I thought he did- not money in the morning and scrambling to lie lol.

[Trippin2.0]

LOL, that's exactly how the tooth ended up in my purse! I was a silly banana and forgot, had to scramble and improvise the next morning

[Seaswept]

Monkey I just re-read your post this rings true for me. You are mad talented, I hope you are saving all of your poems. Put together a book, I bet it'd sell fer sure! Or to keep it just for yourself

...gee I don't know what to say...umm, thankyou Seaswept that is really kind of you to say.

I find playing with words to be helpful...there is an infinite supply of how to arrange them and the bipolar mind can be like an unexpected explorer in a mad dictionary!

poems, metaphors, figuritive expressions...allthough agonising to produce sometimes...they do seem to put some order to the dis-order. My mind insists on using words and often in ways I don't even get?

I've written lots of stuff on here and just the other day was courageous enough to view some of it and mostly I was shocked! ...I know I have often been in the land of the freeze dried fruitbat (drinking lots during episodes and that kind of thing)....actually I shouldn't pick on the little fruitbat....at least they get their vitamins.

too easy for me to ramble on the subject of writing yep.....

thanks again

[~Christina]

This thread has made me laugh ALOT ! and it comes when I really really needed it

Thank you

[hamster-bamster]

Thanks to the staff of PC the site is always up and everything is saved and the search function works well. It is becoming a reliable archive for all of us. It will be here for you dubblemonkey when you are ready to put together a book of verse.