[holsie]

I really do not even know where to start. I guess I can start back in May. I sent a text to my friend randomly who at the time I didn't really know very well. It started a 3-4 weeks constant texting frenzy. We wouldn't usually go more than a few hours without texting, and even stayed up till all hours of the night using our phones almost like a chat device. We decided we wanted to catch up, having not seeing each other since January.

Just prior to this, he mentioned that he found me very attractive. Although in different words; which are a long way back in our text conversation to find! We had mentioned we had been far more honest with each other than most people in these conversations, and somehow him telling me this didn't surprise me. He told me however he was not going to act on it because he did not want to mess me around at all.

We caught up, and all was fine. Fast forward a few weeks of catching up, and we got drunk one night and hooked up (made out, I mean). We caught up about a week later and the same thing happened. It was at this point he said he wasn't interested in a relationship, or anything long term really. This was fine as I wasn't in a position to either, I was moving overseas within the next few months. We kept just catching up, making out. To the point he stayed over at mine, or I stayed over at his. We never had sex though, but did usually end up naked.

After this had occurred for a few weeks, he became a little uncommunicative one weekend. We were trying to make plans and he was either taking a long time to respond, or it would take 2 messages to get something back. I worried about what was wrong, or what was happening because he had mentioned a few months prior, that he had personal stuff going on. We had almost made plans, but nothing set and it got to the night of catching up and nothing set in stone was in place. I messaged, and then called and nothing. Then 5 minutes later I get a message back that turns into us having a conversation about how he's in a bad place, but just needs to deal with it himself and cannot handle any emotions right now so has to shut me out because he cannot deal. I was very comforting and said to take his time and let me know when he's up for catching up again.

We were messaging every few hours over the next day, when suddenly he messages asking if I'm free right then. I say yes, and although I had family over I knew that seeing him was more important, that he was initiating something and that was important. He said he didn't want to communicate emotions, but did tell me a little bit. He said he found it really hard to trust people, and basically didn't trust anyone but that he felt very comfortable around me, and trusted me as much as he could trust anyone, and was thankful for me being so nice about it all. He said however that it was just something he had to put up with, that there was nothing to be done, and that really he wasn't doing anything about it at that point.

Fast forward a few weeks, to a week ago. Everything had been going great and I had gotten to the point of trusting him enough to sleep with him. I felt he had become a very good friend and while we weren't putting a label on anything, he was teaching me a lot and I was thankful to have someone I could trust in this way like him, after being hurt right before starting things with him. He was very patient and didn't want to push me. I finally gave in...but it was he who stopped it. Said it didn't feel right and his insecurities made him feel uncomfortable about it and he felt he would feel way too guilty if he did. He felt like he had pursued me, and all.

I was confused by this, and just wanted to see him again to either...make it happen, or understand why he had such insecurities. I knew he had a lot of things to sort out in his life, and this did confirm that he respected me and wasn't just friends/with me for one reason, but I didn't quite understand his sudden hesitation when we had done pretty much everything but sex leading up to it and it had been going on for 6-7 weeks.

A few days later I invited him to an event in a few weeks. I had previously invited him, but hadn't mentioned it since. He freaked out and felt it seemed relationship like. I tried to reassure him that I was simply asking him as a friend, but let it go. I try to initiate another catch up with no response. I got worried. I knew it wasn't me, but based on him a few weeks prior and shutting me out (even if it was solved quickly) I worried it was happening again. I facebook messaged him asking if I could call him that night, which he said was fine. He then said it wasn't my fault, that he was pretty much bipolar. This didn't surprise me, I have another friend who I have known for years who is, and given she is a good friend and I knew her before she was on medication, I know how she acted. This was on top of him telling me he had Aspergers and had schizophrenia when he was younger. I tried to call him that night, but he didn't answer and told me he was drinking to forget about everything and would call me tomorrow. He didn't call, rather messaged saying he couldn't handle things at the moment and he would let me know when he was ready to talk. It was so brief though I questioned my own behaviour from it. It had been pushy all week, and stupidly thought it was some vendetta against me. I knew it wasn't, but part of me worried it was.

I sent a message the next day asking how he was, with nothing. But later on, while stressing and thinking it over, I just realised I myself could not handle it anymore. I couldn't handle the instability and needed to know what was going on. I knew I couldn't help him - he had made it clear he had to do that, but I just wanted to be a friend and have fun with him. I hated the feeling of knowing he had shut me out again. Hurt me again. I never knew when it would happen again, and I couldn't handle not having that security. I had friendships in life previously where I tip toad around them out of fear of losing them but I couldn't do that with this situation. I cared deeply for him, and felt we had a connection and just got each other, but I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't just sit back and let him keep doing it to me, because I felt he was just doing what suited him, no matter how much it hurt or inconvenienced me. I sent him a message saying I couldn't do it anymore, and had to speak to him. I tried calling and nothing. But I got some extremely long text messages back a few hours later saying he had warned me, and that it was my fault if I didn't respect that and accept it and just leave him be (to put it simply...lot more words were said) and that he couldn't deal with my emotions and it had to end. I knew there was potential for that, but pushing him but I simply cracked finally and I guess it was to much for him. He said some very hurtful things, and it seemed no matter what I said back, he wouldn't change his mind. I finally said that if he had any respect, he wouldn't end things this way. He seemed to get that, and changed his mind but said he just needed time, and that he would come to me. I thanked him for realising that, saying I didn't want things to end like that. He agreed that he never wanted to end it that way. I said I would give him time, and then we should talk. Whether there was a friendship there or not, we needed to determine it in person.

This happened last night. I have been in tears ever since. Wondering whether I was right to push him. Questioning everything about our friendship and reviewing it all. Hoping he does value me enough to contact me, that he wasn't just saying that to spare my feelings. Wondering how long I have to wait. I have 5 weeks before I have to say goodbye to everyone. I know what we had is gone, the physical side and I guess that hurts because I was so attracted to him and felt a draw to him and wanting to kiss him etc, but his friendship means SO SO SO much more to me than that, and that's what is making me so upset. I felt so different about this friendship than I have about a friendship in such a long time. I trusted him like I hadn't trusted in so long. Was 100% myself, and said what I wanted which I hadn't in such a long time. And now I feel empty, and angry at him, and myself for pushing the issue and forcing it to come to head. I don't know when I will see or hear from him, and it's the not knowing what the outcome is that is stressing me beyond belief.

[cocoabeans]

Ah, reminds me of my youth. Very common situation.

The casual sex with friends thing doesn't usually end well. If you want casual sex, make a casual acquaintance who you can call a friend on Friday nights. Talk about what you want, do what you want but, know it's just fun. It's a lot easier not to develop feelings when you're not really friends and if he does, it's a lot easier to make a clean break. (Guys are just as bad as women when it comes to falling for their fb).

Sounds like your feelings for him are getting in the way of the meaningless sex, he lost interest because he didn't want a relationship. If you actually had sex, he risks having to deal with someone who developed feelings that he had sex with or is risking his own feelings, since you guys were at least beginning to be real friends.

And it is casual sex, no relationship intentions.

A good relationship is a friendship with a sexual component.

Doubt his supposed mental illness(es) have anything to do with that mess.

It's time to move on.

[holsie]

....I don't think you actually got the point of this post?

Yeah, I'm attracted to him. But I care for him only as a friend. I would never want a full relationship from this.

I'm upset because we are friends, and I can't bare the thought of losing that. I even said to him in the last few messages that the physical side, I don't care about, just the friendship.

[Victoria'smom]

My rules:
Sex + close friendship= Relationship
Sex + (stranger, acquaintance) = fun night
Friendship - sex= friend
sex + friend's SO= No

I know I can run when things get intense/confusing BECAUSE I don't want to hurt the person with my f'ed-up-ness. I also have sex when I'm on my way down and then seclude myself when it gets to bad. I think you may want to text him and say you'll wait but you need to know for how long.

[cocoabeans]

No, I got the point. It was a friendship screwed up because it turned sexual and you guys didn't want a relationship. Miguel's mom summed it up nicely.

[Victoria'smom]

However it's not unfix-able but you do need to know if this is mood related for him. If he wants a relationship just doesn't want to hurt you more in the long run or if it was a fluke.

[holsie]

I read over his messages today, with a much clearer head space.

From what he has written, he has stated he cannot handle the commitment of a proper relationship or friendship, he simply cannot handle the whole emotional side; hence when it got too difficult he would just need his space.

It all makes so much sense, and I feel I understand him now. I want to contact him to let him know that, briefly and then just to say that I will still respect his wishes for space, just wanted him to realise while it has hurt both of us, I understand it all now.

I have no idea what to do though. I fear he thinks I just don't understand him, and want him to know I have come to the realisation of what it is like for him; but don't know how or when I should go about it?

[Zoesmom]

Is he taking your calls? Emails or notes? I really would rather have a face to face or at least phone call rather than a note. Then you can explain all this?

I hope you can get all this sorted out and save the friendship

[holsie]

He said initially that he agreed we had to discuss all of this in person, but that he was not able to do that right now and would let me know when he was.

I want to text him so he KNOWS that I understand him, as I am worried that he may be thinking I'm not, and part of his decision about whether we can still remain friends could be based on that misconception.

So no, we have not spoken, it has only been a few days though.

[~Christina]

Sometimes things will never have closure for either party for whatever reason(s). Sometimes its best to just live and learn and move on... Life is short.

Sorry you have had a ride on the emotional rollercoaster.

[holsie]

So would sending the text be wrong? Even if it doesn't do any good, that we never contact each other again, I do want him to know I understand, even if he cannot come to terms with this...