[hamster-bamster]

Our county has full time psych urgent care. I will use it for the first time tomorrow. I will say at work that I have a stomach virus. I started having problems concentrating at work, and I am afraid to lose my job. I was given a splendid project today, a chance to shine, but I am afraid that I won't live up to expectations. I have an upcoming interview for a permanent position at another company; I should be preparing but I cannot focus. It would be a dream job - using the skills I already have, health insurance, etc. But with so much at stake, I freak out. I get stressed over the fact that I will be competing with other candidates for the position. Getting worked up is not what I need; I need calm thoughtful preparation and a relaxed performance.

D. has not written in two days. I am prepared to write him off as he takes more energy than he is worth; I do believe this situation with him has destabilized me; will be sure to tell the doctor all about it.

I have had a lapse in judgment signing up for expensive therapy - I have just enough money on my banking account to cover the therapy check... that is insane.

I had a period of unexplained anxiety at work - I would have reached for Klonopin had I had it in my purse (a lesson for the future).

Something is wrong. I am an unstable mess. I will go to bed now, get up in the morning, write down everything that is bothering me, and go see a doctor.

[BlueInanna]

Please keep us posted. We love you!

[cocoabeans]

Good luck!

[~Christina]

Hope your feeling better

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I have had a lapse in judgment signing up for expensive therapy - I have just enough money on my banking account to cover the therapy check... that is insane.

Something is wrong. I am an unstable mess. I will go to bed now, get up in the morning, write down everything that is bothering me, and go see a doctor.

...Hamster it appears more like instinct working in your favour here....
You have alot going on outside yourself and mostly extreme anxiety cannot be explained without some guidance...

there is nothing insane about you...rather, I will suggest and stand by this you are complex intense and loving...

bipolar stuff yes but also very human and worth every cent to maintain these qualities get the most out of them hope you get a good rest.

I slept 12 hours last night...off and on...wanted to keep going hope you get a good rest

[lonegael]

Hamster, you know that is's time to get acute help, so do so. try not to make any decisions like writing off people until you have stabilized, and you don't have all the chaos making ithard to think. Then you will be sure that it's the right thing to do. You sound like you have some very clear thinking going on. Good luck and HUGGGS!

[venusss]

What do you expect the doctors will do for you though? Because no offense, it seems a lot like a self-esteem thing and overthinking that. You been freaking out over this job... and it is working out so far. Just do it... you won't die. Don't drive yourself crazy and try to distract in between of actual thinking. Hard as it sounds, it can be done.

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Please keep us posted. We love you!

seconded!

hope you'll be okay

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Please keep us posted. We love you!

Thirded.

[BlueInanna]

Hamster - how are you? what did you decide? I see Venus has some good points. I feel like you are too hard on yourself sometimes. You needed to see a doc, and you did, that's a good thing. And I live in same area, this is just how much they charge $175 actually on the low end compared to some. Can you partial pay him? I do that often with pdoc and therapists. You've been doing a great job at your new job, I'm not there... but you are going and showing up and making it happen. Believe in yourself - you are such a smart lady who I admire. Hope you are ok

[Trippin2.0]

Thinking of you HB. Take a step back, inhale, exhale, as you inhale think 'i can do this' as you exhale, expel your fears. Repeat. Relax, clear your mind, or atleast unclutter. Then strategize, you got this, don't panic, 1 thing at a time... You got this, no doubt in my mind. Don't freak out about the project or interview... Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be. Do your best, thats ALL that can be expected, and no matter how ANYTHING turns out, you can say with conviction that you did your best.

[BipolaRNurse]

Hamster, you are doing so well, even though it may not feel like it. You have enough insight left to know there's something wrong, and you're acting on it before things get too far out of control. You couldn't have done that even a few months ago. So please give yourself a pat on the back for this, try not to over-think the situation, and take care. We'll be here for you!

[bluemountains]

I'm curious, HB, what services are provided at the psych urgent care? Are/were they able to adjust your meds? Is it an overnight facility? I am curious because I have not heard of this type of urgent care.
I hope you are able to get the help you need in order to focus. Knowing you from this board, I believe you will ace the project and be ready for your job interview.
Bluemountains

[bluematador]

Good luck with your job interview. I know I can completely lose it when good exciting things are happening. I hope the urgent care center helps you stabilize and focus. It sounds like you are doing a great job doing everything you need to do to keep things on track and take care of yourself.

[Bipolar1Disorder]

Hang in there girl you can make it to the other side.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad that you are being strong enough to get the help you need. I'll be thinking of you. Stay safe and I'll be cheering for you

[ChristySpirals]

Hope you are ok. Hugs

[BlueInanna]

Where is she???

[sugahorse1]

How are you?

[~Christina]

HHHAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR

We are all wondering if your ok

Sorry I yelled

[hamster-bamster]

I DID NOT GO! I slept so well, I decided to go to work. I am supposed to work on a report all Friday long and submit it on Monday morning. I decided that having to do the whole report on Monday morning would be even more stressful.

But I have thought hard about "debugging" the problem and... it is neurological! It is not a psychiatric problem. I did the right thing not going because a p-doc would not have helped. What helps me is a shot of coffee at Starbucks! Like psych patients flock to p-clinics for shots of long-acting Risperdal, I go to Starbucks as if it were a neurological clinic. Because otherwise, I get caffeine withdrawal weekend migraines - I have had them for two weekends in a row, all weekend long, so I have not gotten any rest, it is as if I were working non-stop for weeks on end, no wonder the stress level went up! I just need migraine-free weekends! So today I went to SB twice - once to a local SB, 15 minutes on foot one way, a single latte, and once to a far away SB, 25 minutes one way, a single latte. That is the same amount of coffee I drink during workdays. And I do not have a migraine. All I need is to have the same level of caffeine in the blood on weekends as on weekdays. As I have a tiny kitchenette without counter space for a coffee machine, the solution is coffee shops. I also ate at SB - it is a little embarrassing to admit but I like SB food, I like their "bistro boxes", so that helped, because two weeks ago I got a migraine through skipping lunch. Money adds up, but I will keep doing it until I get organized enough to have lunch food at home. And I got my daily dose of walking this way, too! Tomorrow I will try a local non-chain coffee shop near the farmers' market.

It is THAT simple. And I will not write anyone off in that state. that is really good advice.

I did have a migraine yesterday night though. This is called a stress let down migraine and it occurs when the work stress stops. You would have thought that I have a perfect ending of the work week - on Friday nights I go to Restorative yoga and then eat at my favorite Turkish place. But apparently this is not enough. More frequent exercise is supposed to help with migraines so I will try that. I have also upped the Depakote.

I really did the right thing not going to urgent care - I finished 80% of the report at work so I am not stressed out about what I have to face on Monday. And I took little breaks from the report to write a bunch of documentation, which is always nice. I have not started the new project but I spent some time planning it out, which is helpful, especially with my tendency to just run without pre-planning. I had some anxiety but not enough to reach for Klonopin (which I do have in my purse now). So all in all it was an OK day, if not for the migraine at the end of it. But again, there is nothing a p-doc could have done to prevent that migraine.

Thank you for loving me! I need it so much! I cannot express my gratitude enough!

PS The book that helped me find the root cause of the problem is called "The Migraine Solution".

PPS I arrived at what I think is a good solution re: my shy cat. Someone from SF wants her and will look at her after the Labor Day weekend (the first weekend of September in US) but we are afraid that they will not want her because she is so shy; she runs away and does not let you pet her. And she plays really well with my cat - the female cat whom I adopted. So I was not sure it is a good idea to separate them. And I was thinking that maybe I should adopt her too. The thing is, when my female cat is alone, she comes to my bed to sleep, and I like it. A cat sleeping on my legs at night is the best memory of my childhood. When they are together, they hang out together at night and I do not get to recreate that memory. So there is a benefit to me in letting go of the shy cat. So I was torn. Now, I have decided to just go with the flow - if the people like her, wonderful, let them have her, if they do not like her, sure, I will keep feeding her. And I would not try to interfere with the course of events.

[bluemountains]

Yay, Hamster, I am so glad that everything worked out! Is your migraine completely gone now? Isn't it interesting that exercise is the solution to making all of our problems better-such an easy solution, but sometimes so hard to do!
Bluemountains

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

Yay, Hamster, I am so glad that everything worked out! Is your migraine completely gone now? Isn't it interesting that exercise is the solution to making all of our problems better-such an easy solution, but sometimes so hard to do!
Bluemountains

My migraine is at 1. Almost gone. I will go for a walk now and then spend some time, leisurely, without stressing, preparing for the interview. Basically will browse the website of the company, nothing more. Thank you!

[Trippin2.0]

Really glad you're feeling so much better

[hamster-bamster]

Thank you. I wish I were not a migraineur. Then I would not need Depakote. My p-doc said that I can stop taking Depakote as a psych drug. Depakote causes weight gain. I wish I could do without it. But I cannot. I know that if it is that bad with Depakote, it would be way worse without. I would get three migraines a week without Depakote, I know it. And with that I would not be able to work. So have to pay with weight gain - what can I do?