[Phoenix060912]

Hi. Not doing too well today. I’ve been working on my mask…the one I wear in public and sometimes with my wife. Why do I need one? To keep people and my wife from worrying about me. I am home alone most of the day. My wife leaves for work at five a.m. and doesn’t get home until six-six thirty at night. I have a dog and a cat to keep me company, but that isn’t enough. I need human contact even though I don’t want it. I know…it’s a contradiction. I am mixed and rapid cycling. Right now I’d say that I am feeling rather depressed. But at the same time I am flying high. My mind won’t friggin’ stop. And then the hallucinations come in. I know they aren’t real…at least I don’t think they are, but I never know. The voices are the worst…telling me I deserve to die or be punished; that I should hurt myself; or that I am worthless. I am not working because of the bipolar and PTSD. I haven’t been working in over two years. Last year I spent most of my time either in the hospital or in a partial hospitalization program. I even underwent ECT treatment…a lot of them. I have no family here besides my wife. My parents and siblings all live in the Midwest. I really don’t have many friends. Actually I’d say I really only have one friend, and sometimes I think she doesn’t want to be around me. I feel…no, I believe I have no purpose in life anymore. I was a high school English teacher for almost fourteen years. I taught American Literature to juniors. I was told that I was good at it, but now I don’t have that anymore. I tried volunteering at the public library but that didn’t work. I just got worse. I…during the day, I am holding conversations with imaginary people and I am having flashbacks of being raped repeatedly when I was five. My mind then turns to self mutilation or suicide. I fight the urges off, but what if I am not strong enough to continue. I have to keep the mask up. I am at a loss. I am frightened and confused. I feel more alone than ever though I know I have the support of my wife and family. I just want it all to go away. I want to go away. Not having a purpose in life is killing me. I feel useless…a burden to my wife, to my family, and to society. I sound so selfish right now. But I don’t care; it is how I feel.

[Setso]

sorry today was bad
Hope tomorrow is awesome for you!
Do you like pizza? Get yourself a pizza for making it through today


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[snugglebeary]

I'm a junior in high school taking American literature! Very interesting.
I hope you feel better by the way!

[Blue Poppy]

Hi Phoenix,

I know what it feels like to have no purpose. Usually when I think this, I am emotionally doing a bit better, because I am thinking about my job and wanting to get back to it. I have been off for almost two years. However, soon enough I cycle down and really don't care about having a purpose!
I have felt very bad about myself for not working or contributing, but I have to remind myself that I am ill. Other people don't expect me to be going off to work in the state I am in. I am sure your wife doesn't expect this of you.
So every once in a while, we need to give ourselves a break from out own high expectations and just say "it is what it is".
I hope you feel better soon.

[moremi]

Phoenix

Hello, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I do understand what you are going through. Have you considered getting into counseling? I too was abused as a child repededly then also again two years ago I was raped. I am still trying to deal with the rape, but I am in counseling and I believe it does help a bit. The flashbacks can be horrid. I know how horrible you feel. Also with counseling you would be getting more human contact and a counselor can be a trusted friend in my case. I know things like this can be so hard to talk about with another person but it can be so freeing if you actually get to the point that you can talk sbout it.
I also get the being alone all day, I am here from 6am to 4pm by myself and I have a dog and a cat but no social interaction with people. I get online and thats about the extent of my interaction with real people. I text a few friends and family members but I dont see people very often and its not healthy. This is something we both need to work on. If you ever need to talk PM me. Hope you have a better day.