[Secretum]

I met with my t today. She was really concerned about the intensity of my sui thoughts. She wants me to go home, at least for a little while. She thinks that being in a familiar environment will help stabilize me.

I don't want to go. I don't want to explain to people why I had to go home.

I want to get better and go back to Rome as soon as possible. Unfortunately, my mother said that that may not be possible, due to the cost of airfare.

My parents are always freaking out about money, despite the fact that they make 5 times as much as the average household in the US. We're super well-off, but I still have to wear boots with holes in them. Makes me feel really well-loved and like I'm a real priority.

Anyway, I know that this is probably what is best. If I stay here, I might end up acting on the thoughts, which would cause a lot of hurt to a lot of people. I just wish that some of these people that supposedly would be so hurt by my suicide would show me that they loved me while I'm still alive.

Sorry for the long rant. I'm really upset about probably having to go home.

[sugahorse1]

It sounds like a very difficult situation you are in. Do you have a partner in Rome? Or a very best friend that you can disclose to, maybe even take with to a T visit, and ask them to look after and support you through this depression phase?

[BlueInanna]

Awe S, sweetie... I so wanted this semester in Italy to work out for you. You do have much power in this situation. If ur homesick or think coming back to States will stabilize you best, then by all means yes come home next flight. But if u can think of ways to stay and make it work, if that's what u really want, speak up for urself. I suppose I think u need to know what u really want, and then firmly speak up for urself. T and pdoc will always be on cautious side, that's their job, they worry about liability. You've got some issues to work on with ur mom. Conversation or communication could happen where u say ... "I feel really happy when you call to check on me, spend time on the phone with me....." Whatever it is that you could clearly tell her would help you right now.
Regarding the way it is when people have a lot of money, they become more scared of "being without", just the sucky way it works in society. But there are magical people who can break that mold and not live in fear of scarcity, and do very good things with their money.
Anyway, I really hope you can have this situation turn out how you want.

[Secretum]

Unfortunately, I had zero choice in the matter. I begged multiple people, promised that I'd keep myself safe, just let me stay. No, they insist that I have to leave. I feel ten times worse knowing that I have to leave than I did earlier when I was having the sui thoughts. Now I really want to do it (because look, I've failed at yet another thing!) but I can't because I gave all my wellbutrin to my therapist and that's the only med I had enough of to overdose.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think you are someone who would benefit from mindful meditation.

We're all on the journey of life and there will be hiccups. You got to spend a few months in this beautiful country and have beautiful experiences that you'll always remember. Don't let leaving ruin the experience and overshadow what you WERE able to do.

I have co-dependency issues that have prevented me from studying abroad when I was in uni. I am not even allowed to stay by myself for a week if it means I am home alone and not doing anything of significance. When I was IN university I couldn't even spent 6-8 hours alone without doing something dumb or panicking. (I was also seeing my pdoc every 2 weeks...x_x) Even though I had those restrictions on myself, I still see those years with fondness. I want you to challenge yourself and still see the good despite the abrupt end. I'm actually jealous that you were able to spent all that time BY YOURSELF in ANOTHER COUNTRY because I still have those opportunities but I'm too fearful of attaining them.

I have hope that I will learn to deal with myself and gain the independence for travel. I have hope that you will achieve your goals, even if it takes a little longer. Persistence is key, even if there are some hiccups along the way.

[Trippin2.0]

I agree. Yes your experience came to a sucky halt, but don't forget what you did get out of it.

Its hard, but dont think of it as a failure, atleast you had to guts to try. And there's no absolute that says you may not try again

Sure your folks are frugal, but you could maybe find a part time job while you're back home and offer to cover some of the cost. Or propose a loan agreement, where you get to pay them off for some of the expense....

Please dont fall into the fatalistic trap, you just weren't ready for this endeavour right now, but who's to say you won't be ready in the near future?





PS. Unsure if picture is attached

[Victoria'smom]

I'm really sorry that is it is not up to you Now. please concentrate on getting healthy . so that we can help youfigure out a way to go back to Italy for a semester. It really seems like you did not have enough support. I really think that between all of us we can figure out a way that you would be able to go back.

[BlueInanna]

Awe honey you are not a failure!!! I will pm you on FB

[Secretum]

Thank you so much for the support, everyone. I'm sorry that I was so dramatic yesterday. I was really upset about having to go home. I am starting to accept it now.