fascinated with suffering

these last few nights I have been manic....especially today and it's actually hurting a bit by now....not eating ...drinking too much....not sleeping but passing out just in time for the nightmares .

been doing what I avoid mostly and thats playing music and watching seriously deep musical epics....live Pink Floyd...Led Zeppelin...Guns 'n' Roses.... The Eagles ....Elton John...Neil Diamond....Sarah Brightman...Joe satriani...Soundgarden...(and how my mania thrives on grunge)...Nirvana! ...concerts on the youtube....bit of everything....(and how my mania just thrives on anything intense....loud soft thrash or melody...just so long as it blows my mind !)

and I aint' so good in crowds...but I watch these crowds at those epic concerts...and they move as one!....

whatever I can find I want to feel it... stuff I understood before I really got messed up!

and then I went and read about how poor Kurt blew a hole in his head...
and how poor Amy just drank too much last year....and on my birthday!

and then I got curious about "creativity"...and it's ability to influence me in such extreme ways ....deep emotional ways....inspirational uplifting ways....and how it really strains those that are expressing it!...and so universally brilliantly

The relationship between art and pain is undeniable. All art (I’d add the best art) is birthed out of pain, in one form or another. Pain is universal, which is the reason art can break down barriers and bring people together. Art, birthed out of pain, speaks to our personal and communal brokenness and our longing to be mended.
I recently heard it said that poets and songwriters create their work as a result of experiencing pain. So for us to ask for more work, more poems and songs, we are asking the poet and songwriter to experience more pain. While most of us would not actually want someone to experience more pain, we eagerly anticipate more art, because it speaks to the pain in our own lives.

it's so hard to not want to be amongst it...

the way other simply humans share their pain in incredible ways and it means something....and thats just music!....then there are the painters and writers... poets and sculptors...animators....dreamers...we are all dreamers....just trying to make sense of the nightmare

cos life just hurts....no matter what

anything that is birthed probably is painful.... things that feel great at the time, will probably hurt later. yea maybe life is pain.

I'm feelin pretty pain-free. I fear the fall, though....

yeah....thats amazingly well spoken

I fear it too....

and yet?

I still go leaping off the edge

the fall is not a clumsy thing...it's too urgently experienced for that....for me

Im afraid of alot of things yet I continue to do them. Isnt that the sign of insanity lol We just keep jumping off the ledge knowing there will be a fall but its good for a short while at least.

Yup. Oh dear. I hope I can avoid it!

really?? thank you
my head hurts, i had a double death nightmare, i can't make it to work, i'm a loser, can barely form a complete thought let alone a sentence.
but i have hugs

Oh blue give yourself more credit, your not a loser just because your having difficulty.

I wonder that the real pain is the anxiety....

expecting to hit the ground HARD!

but something just "kicks in"...

and with manic wings ...just somehow fly outa' there!

to do it all over again

the accidental mental bipolar contradiction...that I don't really understand?

I gotta feel like I'm dying to feel alive

this cruel impersonal oversophisticated world lacks such simple intimacy C...

your hugs are fine....perfect!

the human embrace historically kept us alive before we all had these alternative conveniences...

hugs are the best things in the world.....