[MyLovelyDownfall]

Okay, so I really don't know where to start. This is some of what I had posted on the new member forum:

I'm 18. I'm attending college for business management. I've always had issues with moods and whatnot, from the time I was a child. My father was diagnosed with quite a few things, and my mom is OCD and has anxiety issues. I was diagnosed with ADD and bipolar when I was 12, but I'm afraid I've developed more than just that. I was on meds for a little bit when I was diagnosed, but I haven't really been on anything since then. I've been pretty under control of everything, or at the least I've been good at hiding it for the past few years.

I started dating my current boyfriend about a year ago. I moved him with him this past July. I don't know what happened, but I completely fell apart. I feel like if I keep all of this up for too long I'll lose the one I love. I tend to notice when I'm doing something abnormal, that is more "out of place", but I didn't notice when I done anything this time, and I don't know why. The past few months I've fallen into a more depressed and very moody stage. Some nights I end up crying until 3AM for who knows what reason, I don't sleep well at all, I haven't been eating much. When we moved in together, we actually moved into an extended stay hotel in a tourist town. He ended up making new friends, while I kept to myself. I felt like they took him from me. I felt like he was happier around them and he was around me, and that he was going to leave me just to be with them. Pathetic, I know. Considering this was a married couple with kids. I ended up leaving him in a huge fight about a month ago, for no reason, and I honestly regret it. He's given me another chance. I don't deserve it. I do this almost every year, about the same time. I freak out and end up hurting everyone around me that matters. I've fallen back into my old habits..playing games every hour of the night, eating one time a day, not talking to anyone, keeping to myself.

I've tried talking to him about me being put back on meds, or going to talk to someone with me. He says that there are ways to control "bipolar" without meds. I know. I haven't been on meds since I was 12. I don't want to screw everything up with him though. I don't want to end up making him hate me, I love him. I just want him to understand. I was wrong, and I may, at one point in time, be wrong again. I don't want to hurt him again. How can I get him to understand, or should I just not bug him about it?

Now, with college, I don't know if I'm going to be able to finish out my degree. I can't talk in front of class, I can't give presentations or speeches. I end up doing okay for the first 30 seconds, then I start crying and leave class. It's odd, because I'm okay to go up and talk to any stranger on the street, but when I feel like something is expected of me I end up freaking out. I fail at everything. I know I do, but at least I try, yes? I feel like I've put myself in this situation, that I've allowed myself to become this way again.

There are a few things that have happened that I can't think of at the moment, if I happen to remember I may post them, I don't know.

Again, much longer than I wanted it to be. Maybe I'm just imagining things and there's honestly nothing wrong. It honestly feels like something has changed in the last few months though. Don't know.

[BlueInanna]

Hi and welcome!
There are ways to cope with bp without meds, but it's tricky. You'll find people here who do it successfully. But ideally, I would think since you're adult now, meds could be helpful while you do therapy and work on the coping skills. Get through school and then get ready to do it med-free. Don't let your bf's view of meds stand in the way if you want to try a pdoc and everything. Or maybe you are on meds now? If you are, maybe pdoc could give you something extra for anxiety to help with the crying spells and help deal with school. And so long as you're trying, you're not failing. That is negative self talk spirals that eat away at us. And if you're already depressed, no need to get doubly mad at yourself, you have bp, this happens.

[Eliza Jane]

Why should your boyfriend have a say in whether you take meds or not? Is he controlling in other ways?

I'd also say that many people find that their bipolar (especially the depressed part) gets worse as they get older. So maybe you could get away with meds until now, but your brain has changed.

Things can get better. Hang in there.

Best,
EJ

[MyLovelyDownfall]

Well, he's not necessarily controlling. I can be more controlling than he can, I've been trying not to be though. He's never actually came out and said that he doesn't want me to take meds, but it really seems that way any time I mention it. I was prescribed Abilify and Vyvanse about 2 years ago but after about the first month we never got it refilled.

[hamster-bamster]

You should immediately get a psychiatrist to write a note to your school's disabilities office so that you can get special accommodations - I do not know what they would be in your case, but the doctor and the disabilities office should come up with something. Maybe written assignments in place of presentations while you are working on getting the skills necessary to present without crying.

If I understand your situation correctly, your biggest problem with school is not bipolar but anxiety. With limited success, medication and therapy (therapy includes doing things that you are afraid of doing) are effective. There is a forum here for anxiety, panic and phobias - you may want to post there about your failures with presentations and such. It's an anxiety issue more than a bp issue, and anxiety is at times so strong that bp people carry a separate dx of anxiety, even though the more basic, garden-variety anxiety is present in many bp patients without a separate dx.

[faerie_moon_x]

I agree now is a time when you need help. Your school probably has some type of help for students? I'm guessing you are having a hard time because bipolar is cyclical (yearly really,) and you're not only going into your bad time of year but also you had a big change when you moved in with your boyfriend. Big sudden change is hard for people with bipolar sometimes.

-first off, you need to see a psychiatrist and get on meds if you can
-secondly you need to get in to see a therapist
-thirdly, you need to do this even if your boyfriend doesn't understand why, you need to help yourself
-fourthly I agree with hamster that you need to let your school know and get in process for help with accomidations.

Hang in there. I have been to that dark place where you feel like others are trying to take away your loved one, and they are willingly going. I have been there. It's not a good place, so don't worry. You do deserve to be loved and you do deserve to be well.

[hamster-bamster]

Your bf is probably not much older than you are and thus, most likely, uninformed about the disease. Take his opinion with more than a grain of salt.

[Victoria'smom]

Look into the TRIO program too. They have walk in therapists, tutors and an array of other services that can help. I'd start at your counseling center at school tomorrow then head to the disability department for the paper work. There are non-medicated thing that can help, like running. My dog is seriously a life savor.

[MyLovelyDownfall]

He's 3 years older than me, so no he's not much older. He say's he knows quite a bit about bipolar and whatever else, but I really don't know if he does or not. I've found that going to the gym does help, when I find the time to go. I'll have to look into the TRIO program, that's one I haven't really heard of. My school does have some help, but I have to be currently on meds or seeing a therapist. I'll try to get in to see a psychiatrist, I'll just have to find the time.