[canacrip]

Woke up this morning to the phone ringing. I didn't race to get up and answer it. I knew that if I did I would get P.O.'d because I wouldn't be able to find it before it stopped ringing. (I use a wheelchiair, so getting out of bed is slightly more complicated than normal). I did get up, though, to find out who it was. Maybe a friend needed something, otherwise, why would the call? It's my cell phone. You aren't supposed to get sales calls on your cell. Especially not be for 9:00 A.M.!!!!

Phone's not where I thought it was. My wife goes to help me find it and while she is looking, I find it.
"Oh, I'll get it for you". She says.
I don't say anything because now I'm really pissed off. She will use this as an excuse to check my phone. Not that there is anything to hide, but have a little respect. Good Lord! Sure enough, instead of handing me the phone, she looks to see who it was.
"You have a message." She tells me.
"It wasn't them". I didn't hear it beep to tell me otherwise, but that's just not good enough. I know what they are. They are a couple of mundane messages that I forgot to erase before I hung up. Again, nothing to be ashamed of, but still, she will insist on checking, which is just what she does. It's my f'n phone!

I go sort mail and paper work into two piles: one is a trash pile, the other is papers to put away somewhere. She has to check on my trash pile. I feel like a child who always needs checking on. I'm mentally ill, not stupid!

On top of that, I am going on a trip tomorrow and I am stressed because I HATE HATE HATE riding in the car. I could drive and I am a great driver, but my wife acts like something horrible is about to happen and I react. One day I pulled the car over after a major panic attack brought on by her bull s**t. I haven't driven with her in the car since, excI understand and sympathise with her fear, but I know that she can't be doing that when she rides with her friends. Even stranger, She reassures me that I am a great driver. Not good. Great. I drive in situations that scare her, like cities, snow, fog and situations like that.

It's not her. That's the odd thing. I'm just tense and nervous. I also feel angry. My responses right now are too extreme. It's like I am taking the anger from having been rudely wakened out on her. As if I can't find the source of my frustration, so I direct it at her. I hate myself for that. I just hate myself.

Sorry for rambling so long. I'm just scared that I'm getting manic because that means I will also be depressed soon and I can't go there because it ends in depression. Last time it ended with a suicide attempt, a 51/50, another 51/50 (which I volunteered for), followed by a 52/50. That was last month.

[treehugger727]

(((Cana)))

It sucks to be angry like this. It sucks when we lash out at the people we love when like this. I bet it gets frustrating with your wifey double checking. No doubt it is because she loves you (which I am sure youre aware of) but I could see myself reacting in a similar manner. Actually I do that with my son sometimes and it frustrates him so maybe I should re-evaluate those actions as they are applied to my life.

"What irritates us about others often leads us to a better understanding of ourselves."-Jung

Hang in there. It's a good thing that you have some support. I have no good words except maybe to try to distract yourself for a while (maybe a game online or a book?) and try to be positive. I will send over some good vibes and mental hugs

Yep, Canacrip, you need to talk to your wife.

Have her sit down beside you, take her hands and hold them gently. Then tell her to stop checking behind you on everything. If there is something that you need help with, tell her that you will let her know. Been there, done that!

Her effort is to be as helpful as she can be; she's overdoing it, and it's bothersome for both of you. If she knows that you don't like it and would prefer that she not do it, she will stop it, and you'll both be more relaxed, free, and open with each other.

People don't really mean to be intrusive and rude; often, they do it under the misguided idea that they must be superhuman to help their dearest and nearest one.

Disabled and handicapped people prefer to do as much as they can for themselves. It weakens everybody for one to be the patient and the other to be the need-supplier. Both of you need to be supporting each other as independently as possible.

My husband finally said to me, "if I need your help, I'll ask you." That was the greatest relief for both of us. When the time came that he needed me, he called out to me to come to his side. So it does work if managed gently.

Feel good about yourself.

Genetic

[Victoria'smom]

I remember having the "You are my partner not my care giver" speech. Don't hesitate to bring it up with your pdoc or T if she doesn't get the message, Some times it has to come from professionals. It sounds like a situation irritation, hopefully it is.

[canacrip]

Thank you! That was helpful and much appreciated.