[OutlawedSpirit]

I don't know if maybe my brain just likes playing devil's advocate, but I've been thinking about something that has come up quite a bit here. In fact, I think dark_x_heart summed it up best in saying the we have a cold, we are not a cold.

However I've been thinking about it and maybe with bp we are the cold. Although it is a disorder and we try to treat it to make the symptoms go away, I don't think we can say it isn't a part of who we are like we can with a cold or diabetes.

All our lives, we have been shaped by the disorder. To an extent, even our personalities are molded in with the disorder. While the core of who we are may not be changed by our disorder, the way other people view us definitely is. It effects our interpersonal relationships, whether we like it or not.

It can shape the kinds of people we interact with on a social level, as well as on a romantic level. For a long term relationship, we are steered towards people who have the patience and understanding to be able to handle our ups and downs, to handle our manic highs and our depressive lows. It can effect the types of relationships we have with our families.

I for one haven't talked to my father in almost five years because we happened to have a manic stage at the same time and clashed like oil and water. I don't know if that relationship will ever be fixed, considering he told me I was no longer his daughter, and I'm not sure that is something I can ever forgive, and understanding him like I do, it is something he will never acknowledge as his fault.

Bp is a major mental illness, and while it is an illness, it is also part of who we are. Maybe we would be better off embracing it as a part of us than trying to sweep it under the rug. I for one, am thankful for the disorder. If it wasn't for a bout of mania that gave me the courage to go after my gf, I would never be where I am today. I never would have pushed the boundaries I did as a teenager and I never would have learned how far is too far. I would have never learned to appreciate the good things in life the way I do without the crippling depression I have gone through that has showed me some of the worst that life has to offer.

Bp lets me see somethings from completely different angles. After going through an extremely bad depression last month, I woke up, in a manic state to see the colors of the leaves as they turn for the fall. The colors are as brilliant as I have ever seen them, and I appreciate them for the work of art they are. I can walk through the woods and drink in their beauty like life sustaining water. The bad makes you appreciate the good, and the extremely good give you something to hold onto when you fall into the darkness yet again.

Bp makes us stronger. It gives us the wisdom to know that every storm will pass, that the sunshine doesn't last forever. And while sunshine doesn't last forever, we also know that it will come back, as brilliant as ever.

I may not be a cold, but I am bipolar, and I am willing to embrace it as a part of who I am, because it has undoubtedly help shape the person I am today. It wasn't all good, and the road is undoubtedly full of dark and dangerous turns, but I take it with my head held high. Depression has showed me the dark parts of me that I want to change, and mania has shown me the beauty in life. For something to be good, you must know what the bad can be, and mania can give you the desire to aspire to something more.

[Trippin2.0]

My stance is much like yours. I say AM bipolar, not have. 1 reason why, well they cant detect it in my body, I didnt catch it... You get the picture, the other reason is this. I find it much easier to swim with the current, as opposed to against it, trying to fight it. Trying to seperate the bp from me is way too foreign for me to fathom,it has shaped me and my relationships from early on & it being a part of me, is just much easier to deal with. Bp is just 1 of the dimensions of what makes me me...

[OutlawedSpirit]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

My stance is much like yours. I say AM bipolar, not have. 1 reason why, well they cant detect it in my body, I didnt catch it... You get the picture, the other reason is this. I find it much easier to swim with the current, as opposed to against it, trying to fight it. Trying to seperate the bp from me is way too foreign for me to fathom,it has shaped me and my relationships from early on & it being a part of me, is just much easier to deal with. Bp is just 1 of the dimensions of what makes me me...

Like I said already, I completely agree that it is a part of who we are. Have a cold doesn't shape our personalities, but having bp does. Especially since it is a lifelong thing. Even something like diabetes can sometimes be managed to make it go away. You know, people who get it from poor diet\ exercise can change those things and reverse the disease. Bp is for life, meds can manage it but can't make it go away. I don't think that something that is that ingrained can be said to not be a part of who you are.

I also agree that it can be easier to manage if you just accept it. It's a part of you, so just take it and run with it. I also think it is easier to share knowledge about it that way. If you embrace it, it is easier for other people to accept it as part of who you are, as opposed to something you caught. I firmly believe that the more positive you are about it, the less likely other people are going to look at it as a negative thing. Not to mention I think it is less likely that people will make it worse for themselves by trying to fight against it instead of just riding out the highs and lows.

[faerie_moon_x]

Okay, but having cancer also shapes who you are, how people view you, your interpersonal relationships, the choices you make, and it is a part of who you are. So if you are diagnosed with cancer and go through all the treatments, surgeries, hospital stays, gaining of new friends, and loss of old ones (yes, people do abandon you when you get a major illness like cancer,) then that makes you cancer. Right?

Or how about diabetes? Because when you are diagnosed with diabetes you need to take medication, change your diet, change your lifestyle with exercise, check your feet to make sure you don't get scars. Yet people rebell against it all the time, they don't take their meds, it effects their health and wellbeing. It causes major mood swings and their ability to make judgement calls and they can have explosive temper tantrums (especially when way too low or way too high.) So those people are diabetes.

Of course our illness has shaped us. I'm not saying it hasn't. But that doesn't mean it defines you as a person. It's just one small part of who you are. You have bipolar.

I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I'm a daughter. I'm a niece. I'm a step-aunt. I'm a writer. I'm an artist. I'm a woman. I'm a gamer. I'm a secretary. I have bipolar.

Here's antoher interesting thing. People will say "I'm bipolar." Do you people say "I'm boarderline personality disorder?" I usually hear "I have boarderline personality disorder." Or how about. "I'm major depressive." Don't people usually say "I have depression." (Sure they may say I'm depressed but that's a mood vs. a diagnosis.) Why is it that some of these diagnosises get the "I am" and others get teh "I have." I don't see people saying "I'm generalized anxiety disorder." They say I have. These things effect things just as much as bipolar, and a lot of them (like GAD and depression) people have had probably just as long.

So what is the difference?

[Trippin2.0]

The difference is personal choice, and that AM bipolar is grammatically acceptable

[OutlawedSpirit]

Dark Heart, I understand where you're coming from, I think the real difference is perception. I guess what I am really getting at is that for some people, me included, it is easier to accept the dx of bp if you are willing to embrace it instead of fight it.

Because it is a lifelong disease, I think it is easier to accept by saying "I am bipolar, and it is okay". I am not saying that it is the same for everyone, and if it is not part of your personal feelings, it's okay. I just think that it is easier for me by saying that I am bipolar, so I have to go see my T and my pdoc and take my meds because it's who I am. Doing all the things necessary to get stabilized and maintain that stability is also a part of who I am.

Going to a T to help recognize triggers, signs of going into an episode, and how to mentally handle episodes to keep them manageable, is all a part of trying to control a part of who I am.

I guess the difference is that it is easier for me to personally accept it if I look at it as a part of who I am, instead of something I'm afflicted with. Like I said, it is a personal preference of how you chose to look at it. If you chose to look at it as a disorder that needs to be fixed, and that is how you handle it better, then I am by no means saying you are wrong. I am merely saying that if I acknowledge it as part of who I am, it is easier for me to accept.

Part of that, I think, is that my father is bipolar (undiagnosed, but blatantly obvious). I see who he is, which definitely is shaped by the disorder, and I don't want to become who he is. By accepting who he is and who I am, it is easier for me to follow my treatment plan because I don't want to become him. Bp is going to shape me into the kind of person he is if I don't take steps to get it under control. I just feel that it is an integral part of who I am.

But like I said, if you don't, you are by no means wrong. It's is just a difference in perception. You may think it is cold outside and I may not, but that doesn't mean either of us is wrong. I am sorry if I gave the impression that I think your position is wrong. I just thought it would be something interesting for everyone to think about. Maybe I should create another thread and do a poll, just to see if there is a general concensous.

Also, sorry if I was rambling and not one understood half of what I said. I'm a bit manic and so thoughts are flying faster than my fingers.

it has to be ok

can't cope with the alternatives



...like it really has to be ok!!

I completely accept my bipolar diagnosis. I certainly don't try to hide from it. But it isn't who I AM; it is just something I HAVE to deal with. Personally, I have been much more shaped as a person by my PTSD diagnosis than my bp diagnosis, but no one says "I AM PTSD."

To me, the word "am" functions like an equal sign. I = bipolar? Nah. Not for me. My husband has bipolar disorder also, but like me, he has been far more shaped by his PTSD diagnosis. His medical diagnoses of RSD, diabetes, and severe hypertension actually affect his lifestyle FAR more than his bipolar disorder diagnosis, but he would say he IS RSD, or PTSD, etc. either.

But, which preference people have for "am" or "have" is completely a personal choice. I can respect both ways of thinking.

[Clinte89]

I look at it like this I have bipolar because I didn't choose to have it I didn't plan to make it part of my life it just this intrusive little monster hat plays games with my emotions. Yes it had shaped who I am the relationships I don't have anymore and how I am stronger now than most people ever will be although I often feel I'm loosing the battle. But I have bipolar not am bipolar thanks for listening.

[faerie_moon_x]

I guess what I'm saying is that no one sneezed on my mom and gave her cancer, either. And it wasn't my fault that I was born and gave it to her either. (which is what her doctor told me the day she died, "If she hadn't of gone through pregnancy, we might have been able to save her.") But no, he was wrong. I didn't give my mom cancer. It just happened.

So, no, I didn't get bipolar from something like that. Who knows why. I don't. But my mom wasn't cancer. She couldn't get out of bed. She couldn't drive me to school. She couldn't clean house anymore or cook dinner. She stopped being able to speak or make sense when she talked. The last thing she said to me was "Mickey Mouse." People would stare at her with pitty in their eyes. She had to use a cane and then a wheel chair. She lots entire parts of her body. All of her hair fell out. She bloated up like a parade float due to the vast number of tumors that infested her belly. But she went to all of her treatments, she continued working and going to school, she took her meds every day and night. She said, "When you granduate college I'm going to take you to Italy and show you all of the artwork that I love."

She had cancer. The cancer did not take away Frances. It didn't destroy her soul, even though it killed her body.

I am not bipolar. It won't destroy my soul, even if I only have 5% left of me and they are sucking the black sludge out of my body, I will not lose to this stupid illness. It will not define me. My kids will say "my mom had bipolar, but she was the best mom." Just like I say my mom had cancer, but she was the best mom."