[Deb5302]

I've only been a member here a few days. So far I've liked the experience. I see there are lots of people on here I can relate with.

I've posted more than I expected, too. But I've noticed a general vibe I think I've put out there and its anger. What's strange is I rarely get angry. I always thought of myself as someone who looks on the bright side, etc. But I'm looking at some of my posts and thinking," wow, I am angry."

I guess it's good I'm getting in touch with my anger towards this illness. For a long time it made me sad, and I would cry alot. I recently came out of a depression. It followed a manic episode I had in the fall of 2010. I was stable 15 years than poof - Im in the hospital.

But getting sick again brought up all the feelings of shame, failure...and I thought it was behind me. Now I wonder, wtf is God trying to tell me? Why won't this GO AWAY?

I looked at the grief wheel (about the stages of loss - for me its the loss of my mind again). Thank god after anger comes acceptance.

[Clinte89]

I never thought of it that way but yes denial came first then anger and so on. I hope your less angry now. Hang in there

[MommaR]

Best of luck in the process of feeling comfortable in your own skin with this illness. I'm just working on it myself.

[missbelle]

I am so sorry you are feeling shame and failure. Still today in the year 2012 we see any mental illness as not being strong, or capable...and like you said a failure! Why do we want to think we can control our illnesses? If you had cancer, or diabetes or arthritis would you feel a failure if it returned? No you would not. Because we cannot see it we think we can overcome it. Its an illness not a character defect. Its not something you can will away. I am so sorry that you and so many others here feel that its about being strong and capable. Its not. You have some control but it is an illness. What we do is take our meds, see a therapist, try to live a healthy life but the rest...the illness still exists.....no matter how hard we try to think it away and live well.

You show to our young members that they can fix themselves. They cannot. ....not totally. We were probably born with this. Its probably in your family somewhere. Not the bits of depression we experience due to a loss, etc...these are situational...meaning they go away when the situation changes but for the rest of us, the disease exists.

We are not our illness. We are not victims but we are sick and need to care for ourselves just like if you had parkinsons, diabetes, MS, or arthritis etc. We have not failed.We will never be failures, not ever!!! We just have a situation that needs attention.

Please, never think you are a failure, or be ashamed! We all care here, and the stigma of mental illness still exists and we need to break that stigma and show we are not victims but strong men and women with an illness! We are fighters and survivors!

[unaluna]

boy I am cranky today. but it does make life seem a bit lighter.