Theres no way that I can admit that right now
I need things to be okay somehow
If I were to admit what darkheart told me
then I would be bound by it with no way out, can't you see

But if I just continue on
and believe what I must
then things will be okay
this is all I can trust

So excuse me if I won't say it
I know I am depressed
but I can't afford to be right now
I'll play it off as being stressed

everyone else will believe it
those around me everyday
but I can't get away with it on these forums
I guess that will have to be okay

Admitting it is like admitting defeat
I need to be bigger than my illness
I have just too much going on
to be so defenseless

but I don't know what I should do
continue the farse or give in to the truth

i don't handle this well
as it is clear to see
anger is my defense
safe, it has always kept me

I'm better now, I am
no more depression here for me
I am happy, I am fine
Everything is great, can't you see

I can go out and have fun
I can bask in the sun
I can drive out to the sea
I'm as okay as can be

I really am damnit
I really am today
I really can't be anything else
I really can't afford to pay

the price of depression
when it affects so many around
So I'll try and keep it up
and not be so bound

by this depression that I hate
I have to move on from this fate
and find the old me again
I can't lose, I have to win

you want to look at me with those hateful eyes
you want to judge me and fill my head with your lies
you hide the truth behind your pathetic disguise
and you beat me down until my spirit dies

you really think that I'm okay with you doing this ****
like I won't lash out at you doing this ****

who the hell do you think that I am
just gonna sit back and take it with a dumbass grin
or maybe you think that I was asking for this
and you jumped up to the challenge and took your best shot... HA MISSED

Now the ball is in my court
I'm not just gonna stand by
and be judged and put down no more
I just wish this would die

sorry... I'm a little mad right now. not at anyone here

feeling a way that I would rather ignore
avoiding the truth like a philosophical *****
panic sets in at the thought of going down
in a sea of protest against this sad frown

I can make it be better
if I just try hard enough
and push through the anger
that sets in because

of pain, depression and misery
don't you know who your messing with
your messing with me!

of the feelings of empty, the hurt left inside
you think you can win
I'll take YOU on a ride

and around and around
we will go until you see
that your out of your league
so stop messing with me

cuz I'll cut you off
right at the knees
so depression and pain
just stop messing with me

I'm starting to feel better
yes, i'm really starting to
I know i can control this
i know just what to do

it's an intellectual battle
perspectives draw the front line
and the anger marches up
and starts to combine

until it's all I can manage
all the anger inside
and it makes the first move
and the time I will bide

and the depression reacts
it spreads out its wings
around the attacking anger
devouring while it sings

a sick and twisted song
telling me that it's really ok
to give up all hope
and stop fighting today

but my anger is strong
it pushes back my depression
and they stand off just staring
at each others expression

but neither side will give
not even an inch
they have claimed their territory
neither one will flinch

and now it's up to me
to side with my anger
for the only other choice
would put me in danger

so I'm sorry if I'm angry
but this is the reason why
it's how I fight the depression
me, and my anger by my side

my wife will soon be home
from her day of teaching
and if she knew i was sad
she would start preaching

that I should call pdoc
like he can do anything about it
it's something that happens
no need for her to have a fit

so I'll go on auto pilot
and she won't know anything's wrong
I can't talk to her about it
I won't sing her this song

but if you could just see me
when she gets home tonight
you would see the determination
you would see all my fight

cuz you wouldn't recognize me
I do this for her
so she won't go off
and have her own emotions b'come a blur

I told Hamster I would write
more rhymes about how I feel
and told her this thread
is where i would reveal

but now I am done
my mind a blurry mess
I need to concentrate now
on dealing with this stress

of feeling this way
without being able to show it
to spare my family the drama
.......... don't I ever know it