I would be drunk right now

I would be calling into work. I would be on my fourth or fifth beer already. I would be calling up friends who I used to drink with. Life would feel new, possibilities endless. I would be helping out those drinking buddies with projects that we prolly never should have started. Life would be fun.

I am craving that right now! I am craving that feeling of new, of possibilities. of FUN. I don't ever have any fun anymore. it's always work and responsibilities and managing my moods and taking my meds and getting enough sleep. everytime I try to have fun someone asks if I am hypo or not.

I want everything that I can not have right now. I'm ready to rebel.. the one thing I exel at anymore! But I don't want the consequences. I don't want to think that I will screw up the meds that are working for me. I don't want the fighting with my wife over it. she is black and white... no grey. I want grey!

Ugh.

Yes, I could take that flight for a short hop. Hm ... Think about it, anyway. It's one of "those" days--hee hee. But I'm a bipolar alcoholic, so one in two is (on average)

Maybe try amending "All I want is for everything to be okay" to "I want me to be okay today." And you live in Arizona ... no greys there. Such a stark land of sharp contrasts.

But I hear you. Life is hard!

Roadie

Drowning everything out would be great. I've learned that even drunk nothing gets drowned out. I get angry, I want to mess things up. And my mind just races through all the crap I've been through. So... I don't know if drunk is so good for me.

Something to just make it all stop for a day would be nice, though....

I think you should make an effort to get back to running to get the endorphins. I should not be writing this, because I myself keep making excuses for myself: during the move, I misplaced my new HRM and I keep postponing going back to the treadmill until I find it. But for sure running will help you.

Love making with your wife would give you the endorphins, too. Running is low risk; love making is no risk. Beats beer consumption in high quantities.

I just really miss it! It and what comes with it... all of it

If you miss what comes with having the company of friends, perhaps try non-alcoholic beer? Say, one beer with alcohol followed by 4 non-alcoholic beers.

no hamster, i shouldn't drink at all. I'm paranoid to screw up my meds or bring on depression. I just really miss it. I miss the alive feelings i would always get, the indestructable and really just the fun feelings

Right, you are on Abilify, you should not be having any alcohol. That is tough... This is not something I understand at all, as I do not react to alcohol in any manner, good or bad.

It soundslike you are struggling, Dan. I don't know if it is your thing but would an AA meeting help?

I know what you mean Dan...that urge to leap off the giant edge with eyes closed just so they really OPEN up as hoped....this urge is massive powerful and very frustrating to hold back too.

you deserve heaps and heaps of credit for resisting!

I don't know what it's like to have your responsibilities and a wife.... the wife part must be awesome.....beneath all the stereotype crap marriage gets...it truly must be awesome especially if she means enough not to want to damage the relationship.

I don't answer to anyone and barely anything and always jump off the edge and despite the freefall being a quick BUZZ....hitting the rocks below head first kind sux real bad and then climbing up again ...yurk!!

you deserve lotsa credit