Deeper and deeper

I've been slowly recognizing that I have a short hypomanic period of 24-48 hours before the longer depressive period hits. Which unfortunately started over the weekend. But now it's gotten pushed into something a lot worse than I am used to handling. Especially after getting another deniall letter yesterday from SSDI. My lawyer was so "positive" that the appeal was going to go through and get a new hearing, blah blah blah.... They don't even return my calls! I got an appointment set up to speak with the lawyer on this coming Monday. I have a bad feeling that she hasn't done one thing on my claim, and let the legal aid do it all. Even after I've pointed out many times the errors that were made with the notes, medical information, etc.

I spent several hours just curled up on the couch, so many emotions are overwhelming me. I would still be on SSDI if I hadn't of gotten married to my ex when I wasn't ready, just to make him happy. And everything I gave up over the 10 years for the same reason. Now I'm unable to work consistantly, am about to be scheduled for surgery for other medical issues, and it seems like I won't even be able to get my disability back that I was on since I was 17. I keep thinking about ending everything, and honestly am not sure what's stopping me. My main thing that has kept me going is getting my son out from the fear he faces around his father. But now that dream is broken. Financially, my savings are gone, my parents who are retired are trying to help, and it's making me feel even more depressed.

It's to the point that I don't see the point of life anymore. I go to therapy, take my meds, have been starting to get involved in my local Epilepsy Foundation. But it's all going backwards faster than I can keep up....

Don't give up. You just gotta hang in there! I don't know what you're going through, but I know nothing is bad enough to end your life over. You just gotta keep your head up. You will get through this.

Thanks for the kind words Just a girl.

I keep reminding myself of that. For awhile it smoothed out to tolerable. But the holidays, starting parent counseling w/ the ex, and the leaving of my p-doc with no forewarning are just a few events/changes this month rocking the boat.

The last week or so I could tell I was in a mixed episode. When my son went back to his dad's today after spending 4 days with me, I lost it, almost before I even got back in the door. It's sent me into the depression.... which I have the hardest time getting out of.

I'm in a similar situation, but we need to go on for the kids' sake. You cannot leave your son without his mom. Try no to lose hope.