[Common99]

Been reading this wonderful forum for awhile and (I think) I'm finally ready to put myself out there.

Early 30's male, misdiagnosed with depression for 17 years. About a year ago, I started therapy again and was correctly diagnosed as BPD II. My shrink tapered me off the Zoloft and eased me into Lamictal, now 200 mg daily. It took a few months for the therapy, meds and lifestyle changes to kick in but as of now, this is the most balanced I've felt in my adult life.

The problem I'm having now deals with this almost paralyzing regret when looking back. It's as though the better I feel, the more clear my mind is, the worse the remorse, the uglier the memories. I feel like I'm assessing the damage from a 17 year long hurricane. I was an awful, angry, crazy drunk who scared people, mostly my friends. While I'm nearly 3 years sober, I still can't talk about my prior self, those terrible nights, with those that were there, with those friends I hurt. And I feel as though that's all my friends see when they look at me, as I'm incapable of acknowledging my past actions. My bad nights are not spoken about, even with my closest friends who saw me at my worst. I want to be able to forgive myself. I want nothing more than to sit down with every person affected and apologize, talk it over, explain what was going on in my head at the time. But the thought of it makes me shutter. Additionally, aside from the drunken regret, there's an endless amount of manic, frantic sober actions that I also feel embarrassed about.

Oddly enough, despite these issues, I managed to graduate law school and this past January, opened my private practice. It's incredibly stressful but it's a natural, rational stress that I've dealt with through therapy, meds, yoga, exercise, etc. And my friends and family are all still here.

My questions are:

How do you handle the remorse/regret/embarrassment?

And for those who have gone about making amends, did you make mention of the bipolar disorder? I'd like those close to me to know why I acted the way I did, as the person they see now was quite different from the monster they dealt with in the past.

Phew. That was tough. Thanks in advance for your comments, everyone.

[Trippin2.0]

Just want to give you a heartfelt and a HUGE congratz on graduating AND opening your practice!! I dont have much advice tho, my gut says that the whole cards on the table apology will work in your favour, as those close to you, are still close to you, even tho you've mistreated them in the past... Maybe an email would be a less intimidating approach for you to take? I think that you'll be better able to forgive yourself once you have 'proof' that your loved ones have forgiven you.

[hamster-bamster]

Passage of time will help. Knowing that you are behaving differently now will help, too.

[NDNOutlaw]

Im dealing with the same. I found out from my Dr. that the big break throughs in psychiatry were only recent. In the 1990s they found out more about how the brain functions then everything that was known before. I pity all those people who were institutionalized and went with out hope because there were no real meds to alleviate their pain and confusion at the time. I also realize despite my condition I am still responsible for my behaviour. It hurts to remember. There's no sugar coating that but despite I still have an improved life to live.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hi, welcome to PC!

Well, as for making amends I guess you might need to think on a person by person basis instead of thinking as a group. Taking people aside on their own to personally apologize for personal wrongs might be easier. Plus you can then gauge who will be more receptive and who won't, because each person is different. Using your sobriety as part of your appology would be good because you can say, "I've been sober this long and making amends is important to me."

Now, as the for the bipolar part, I will be honest and the unfortunate truth. Bipolar is not really accepted by a vast majority of people as an illness. It's considered a fake thing that is overblown by the media and people seeking attention or wanting to relinquish responsability for their actions. Very few people understand it, including people in healthcare, and even fewer people actually care if you tell them you have bipolar. It's the stigma we all live with that people with bipolar are crazy, heartless, and dangerous. We rampage the countryside and destroy everything... according to these people.

So, disclosing should be done very cautiously. Again, person by person basis. And sometimes best not to tell at your job (and you have your own practice so that's good.) My philosophy is a "need to know." If they don't absolutely need to know, then I'm not going to tell. You'd be shocked how quickly people will change on you if you disclose...

So your apology should just be from your heart. But the bipolar, that's a tricky one.

[Common99]

Thanks everyone. I think the one on one apology/amends is the way to go. How deep I go into the mental causes will depend on the person. Time has certainly helped the regret but it still remains and I need to out it out there, to talk it through, so that I ca get past this.

Anyone have stories/experiences/feedback on making amends? I found that people were very supportive of my sobriety decision and I hope that my making amends will be treated similarly.