[Just a girl..]

I know most of you told me not to put the word Bipolar in my letter., but I feel that, that is the only way to show my mother how I am really feeling, and explain to her what has been going on with me. (Also, since I'm not very good at talking to people, I was thinking that once I actually get into the doctors, I will take this with me, and just have them read this when they ask me what the problem is.) - please feel free to comment and help me make this letter better. It will be much appreciated!

" I need to talk to you, but I don't really know how to. So, I thought maybe a letter would be the best way to go about it. That way I can get everything out there, and have you see what I'm talking about it, instead of you just knowing bits and pieces. So please read the whole thing before making any assumptions.
For the past couple months I have been feeling like I am PMS-ing all the time. I have been having mood swings, and I'm not even really sure how I've been feeling.. Sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world, like I can accomplish anything I want to. Other times I feel depressed and like I'm not good enough. Like everything I do is somehow wrong. There has even been times that nothing is wrong and I just feel like I'm gonna cry out of nowhere, without even knowing what about. ..but the mood swings aren't the only thing that has been going on.
-A couple months ago I went to bed like regular, and I was sleeping fine, but all the sudden my eyes just flew open and I saw something standing in my room. (It was dark, so I could only really see the outline of it.) I thought it was Cody at first, so I asked him what he wanted, but he didn't answer. So I asked again, and he still didn't answer. I was starting to get really freaked out, so I picked up whatever was closest to me and I threw it at it, but nothing happened. So I just kept staring at it, and eventually it just faded away, and then it was gone. I didn't know what to do, so I just kept staring at where it was. Eventually I got to tired to be awake and just fell back to sleep.
I thought maybe it was because of the medicine I was taking (for my stomach), so I stopped taking it.
-But a few months later the same thing happened, except in wasn't the same thing in my room, or at least I don't think it was. This time it wasn't looking at me, it looked like a man was crouched down beside my stand (where my stereo is) , and it was just staring toward my door. & then, again, it just faded away , and I kept looking there until I fell asleep again.
I didn't say anything to you, because I didn't want you to think I was crazy, or that there was something wrong with me.

I've talked to Brandon about it, and he said that he's noticed that I have mood swings. Like one minute I'll be hyper and really talkative, and the next I won't want to talk about anything, and I'll just send one word text messages, and I guess I seem like I'm upset. I also told him about what I saw in my room (after the first time it happened) and he thought it was my medicine too. So I stopped taking it. .. but even with being off the medicine, it happened again. And I told him about that too. He didn't really know what to say, so he just told me to turn my light on and try to go back to sleep.
I didn't know what was going on, and I didn't know if it was something to worry about, or if it was just 'some teenager thing'. So I looked it up online, and I found that I have symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. The mood swings, and seeing things are both symptoms. (I think) I read somewhere that sometimes when you have bipolar disorder, you hallucinate.
-I also read that this can effect your ability to concentrate and stay focused. ..which also could be why I went from being an A & B student, to failing every class that I'm taking..
I also found a website where you can talk to people who have these kind of disorders and other disorders through chats or threads and posts. I started talking to them, so that I could try and get some answers about what's been going on, and they have been really helpful. They are the ones who actually convinced me to write this letter to you and tell you what's been going on with me.
--I have just recently been able to notice changes in my mood myself. So I was going to keep a journal for the next month, of all the times I notice that my mood has changed. , and they all thought that was a good idea. But then the other day, at the beginning of the day I was feeling kind of depressed, but as the day went on, I was starting to feel better. But something was said to me that made me feel upset (I don't even remember what it was now?) But my mind just starting racing and I couldn't sit still, and I felt like I was gonna cry for no reason. So I tried to walk around and see if that would help. But it ended up just making me feel really hot, and like I had a knot in my stomach.
So I jumped onto the chat of this website and asked them for advice. They said that I could have been having an anxiety attack, and that I needed to calm down. , and they told me some things that were calming to them that I could try. - Once I got calmed down they asked me if I was bipolar. (because if I am, that could have been a mixed episode. -Basically where you are really hyper , but you also feel like you're gonna cry) And I said that I didn't know, but that I joined that website to try and figure out more about it. & that's when they convinced me that I needed to tell you and see a doctor or a therapist.

-Also on this website I took a quiz to see if there was a chance that I was bipolar. (And I know that internet quizzes usually don't give correct answers, but I didn't have anything to lose by taking it.) I took the quiz and I got a 44 out of 50 “Bipolar Disorder – Moderate to Severe symptoms”
I also took a quiz for Depression and I got a 56 out of 60 “Severe Depression”

[MommaR]

That sounds good. I didnt proof for errors but the composition was good and I the way you worded it did not sound as if you were trying to self-diagnose, which I think was everyone's concern with you using the words "BiPolar" but just said that you think some of your symptoms fit. Good luck. I hope they make an app for you right away

[Just a girl..]

Thank you. Now that it's written I have the first step done .. now I just have to figure out a way to give it to her. I feel that if I am in the room then she will not pay as much attention to what I am trying to say in the letter , and just start asking a bunch of questions. I thought about printing it out and taping it to her mirror, or somewhere would she would see it, but I fear that someone else would find it before she does..

[MommaR]

Maybe hand it to her as you are leaving for school- I mean literally as you are walking out the door and tell her you need her to sit down and read it asap.

[Just a girl..]

That sounds great , only problem is that I don't go to school.. I am cyber schooled and do all my school at home on the computer.

[Sannah]

I think that the letter is great also. Can you give it to her and then jump in the shower or something?

[Just a girl..]

I could do that. That's a good idea!

I haven't been online often recently and am not familiar with the circumstances of your situation, but I do have a question: are you not able to talk to your mother about this? A letter seems a bit distant to me, and you need her input if you are close enough to your mother to feel she can communicate with you.

I've talked to another young person some time ago who had a similar problem, and she wrote a letter, too, but later regretted it because her problem was a real disconnect between her inner self and her mother. Bringing Brandon into the conversation might be helpful because he knows what you're experiencing.

My first thought would be that there's something wrong with your relationship with your mother. The major thing your mother needs to understand is that you feel you need help--the kind which a psychiatrist might give.

I hope you are able to finally resolve this and get the help you need. It is so important for your security and well-being.

You're a very smart young person to know all this about yourself and to have done research to try to learn more; not all young people recognize these feelings as being part of an illness.

[patches4.0]

Hi Girl
The letter looks good to me, I wouldn't waste any time in getting it to her. Everything will be okay, you'll see.

Patches

[Just a girl..]

I just feel that a letter would be a good way to explain everything to her.. and later on we can talk more about it

[faerie_moon_x]

Sometimes it is easier to write it down than to say it out loud. I really hope this works out for you.

I went to my dad over and over again asking for help and was brushed off every time. So even now that I know I have bipolar, I don't ever tell him. It would be pointless.

[Nixi]

I think the letter is put together very well. I wish you the best of luck with it. Let us know how you get on xx

[Just a girl..]

I'm sorry to hear that :/

[Just a girl..]

I will let you know

[Broken Angel]

Writing a letter is a really good idea
Hope for you the best.

[roads]

I'm bipolar but I've never had a hallucination like those you describe. Maybe typical of bipolar I with psychosis ... Not sure.
Not all bipolars hallucinate, though.

Otherwise, okay.

[SingDanceRunLife]

Originally Posted by Roadie

I'm bipolar but I've never had a hallucination like those you describe. Maybe typical of bipolar I with psychosis ... Not sure.
Not all bipolars hallucinate, though.

Otherwise, okay.

Same. I'm bipolar 2 and have never hallucinated.

[Just a girl..]

I don't even know if what happened then is connected to being bipolar or not..