[Phoenix060912]

It is with a heavy heart that I write this. Five years ago on this date, my best friend committed suicide. She gave no real indication that she was that depressed. Yeah, we joked about how both of us had gained weight and that we were working long hours at our different schools, but when I saw her two days before the tragedy she seemed upbeat. She was a high school science teacher in a low-income school. She was brilliant. At only 33 she was nominated for Teacher of the Year for the school district. She was the science department chairperson. She had completely re-written the science curriculum for the district which included physical science, biology, anatomy and physiology, physics, and chemistry. She graduated from an IB program in high school and fast-tracked it to getting her master's in Science. She knew the body and many ways to die. She didn't leave a note like you see in movies. Two days later, she just took her husband's gun, put it to her heart while laying in bed, and pulled the trigger. Laura didn't suffer, the doctors said. The bullet completely destroyed the beating muscle.

I got the phone call that day while I was in Barnes and Noble with my girlfriend and a woman she was tutoring. I had a carmel macchiato from Starbuck's. I picked up the phone and said "Hi" to Katrina, Laura's younger sister. She said, "Laura's dead." I said, "What? That can't be. I saw her two days ago and she was fine." Suicide never entered my mind. Then she said the three words "Laura killed herself." I crumpled in my chair and felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. My partner saw my face and asked me what was wrong. I told her and she took the phone from me. All I could do was stare in shock.

We immediately left B and N and went to Laura's mother's house. That's where my nightmare began all over again. You see, they knew (and still know) about my past experiences with suicide. They knew I had attempted twice and that I had saved a friend in college from dying from an overdose. They wanted answers as to why someone would do something like this. It brought back so many bad memories, but I felt I had to be strong for her family. Laura's family was a like my family away from home. Every Christmas we'd have dinner together. It was tradition. But not this year. No...we haven't had Christmas together in five years. Anyway, I was bombarded with questions such as "Why would anyone do this?" "Did anyone notice a difference?" "Why wasn't there a note?" "How did you feel when you wanted to kill yourself?" and many more questions like that. I tried to explain and answer them as best as I could. ln the meantime, I felt I wasn't allowed to grieve. I had somehow turned into the grief counselor and therapist. i could have said no, but I saw their faces and just couldn't. It was easier to just put my emotions aside than to face them. The questions and probing went on for days...through Thanksgiving even. Then we sort of separated after the funeral. I said good bye to my best friend.

The problem is that every year on this date I suffer the nightmare of the entire day. My bipolar symptoms go wild. I am so f***ing miserable and emotional. The first two anniversaries I felt sort of numb. But these last three years have been miserable. My symptoms are worse. I have been hospitalized for a total of three months this past year. I've been in a partial hospitalization program for nine months this past year. I've been treated with a series of thirty ECT treatments in the past year. I resigned from my high school teaching position due to my illness this past year. I have tried to kill myself this past year. I am hallucinating more and hearing voices more.

I miss her. When I'm low...really low like the depths of an abyss that has no bottom, I think of her and what her family went through. I thank her for giving me the courage to go on. It works most of the time.

I also really miss her family. Her mom was like a second mom to me. She and her husband were invited to my wedding. I was so happy to see that they came. I called her this year to wish her a happy birthyday. She was happy to hear from me. She told me we need to get together for lunch or dinner sometime. Laura's youngest sister has two boys and lives in Colorado. I wish Aunt Laura was around to see her nephews grow up. Laura's middle sister is a model and actress in Los Angelos. I wrote her today. We both remembered and comforted each other in our memories and our sorrows.

Now that I have written all of this, I just want to say to you, Laura, that I miss you. And that I am angry with you. You left me alone when I needed you. Yes, I have a life partner, my wife, but sometimes we need someone else to just be that best friend. You were mine, Laura. You abandoned me, not to mention your family. But this is about me. About words I've had locked up inside of me for five years. My heart aches when your birthday comes around, when school starts, when today comes, when Thanksgiving comes, when Christmas comes, and when Spring Break comes. I remember the fun we had, the laughter and the joke about making sure you have a gorgeous diamond for an engagement. But now that's gone, Laura. You took that away. Do you know how many times I've thought about taking my own life? In the last five years I'd say over a hundred. But then I think of you, and I cut instead. Still not a good choice, but better than killing myself. In a way, you are protecting me from myself. Maybe that's why you are gone. I don''t know. All I know is that I wish you were here. I NEED that best friend. I'm not doing well, as you probably all ready know. I...I miss you, my dear friend. May God keep you safe and in His arms. You will always be in my thoughts. I love you, Laura.

P.S. I know that some of you who read this believe that God punishes those who have taken their own lives. I do not mean to offend. But to me, God is a forgiving One and He even forgives those who could not hear Him when He answered their calls for help.

Thanks for listening.

[~Christina]

Im very sorry for your loss.

[iluvdukie1]

I am SO sorry about all of this!

[Trippin2.0]

So sorry for the traumatic loss of such a dear friend I pray that God provides you with the comfort and healing you need and deserve Thank you for sharing Laura with us

[OutlawedSpirit]

Originally Posted by Phoenix060912

Now that I have written all of this, I just want to say to you, Laura, that I miss you. And that I am angry with you. You left me alone when I needed you. Yes, I have a life partner, my wife, but sometimes we need someone else to just be that best friend. You were mine, Laura. You abandoned me, not to mention your family. But this is about me. About words I've had locked up inside of me for five years. My heart aches when your birthday comes around, when school starts, when today comes, when Thanksgiving comes, when Christmas comes, and when Spring Break comes. I remember the fun we had, the laughter and the joke about making sure you have a gorgeous diamond for an engagement. But now that's gone, Laura. You took that away. Do you know how many times I've thought about taking my own life? In the last five years I'd say over a hundred. But then I think of you, and I cut instead. Still not a good choice, but better than killing myself. In a way, you are protecting me from myself. Maybe that's why you are gone. I don''t know. All I know is that I wish you were here. I NEED that best friend. I'm not doing well, as you probably all ready know. I...I miss you, my dear friend. May God keep you safe and in His arms. You will always be in my thoughts. I love you, Laura.

That was beautiful. I'm sure she is waiting for you at God's side. I wish there was more that I could say or do for you. But maybe her purpose was to save you from yourself. I wish for strength for you. We're always here for you if you need a shoulder to lean on. Don't be afraid to ask.