[purpledaisy]

Today I'm off work because of Veterans Day.

I had intended to use this long weekend to work on my website and marketing to increase the number of clients for my sideline business, in hopes that I can ramp it up and not have to be on unemployment for very long once I get fired in a couple of weeks.

I got some stuff done, but I didn't get near as much done as I had wanted to.

I kept having trouble with WordPress. I'm not techie (which is why I'm losing my job, although for different software), and I kept having problems that were beyond what I could figure out.

The good news is that I found people online at Fiverr.com to fix the problems. Well, most of them. I'm still waiting for one guy to finish the biggest problem and he has a few hours left.

The bad news is I kept thinking, "Wow. I really do suck as a worker. I'm not a good worker for my employer, and now I'm not a good worker for myself because I should have more to show for this weekend."

Am I being too hard on myself?

Then my son accidentally sent me a text that was meant for his girlfriend. It was about their plan to move out in a few weeks. He realized what he did, but it was too late. He didn't say anything bad about me, but it still hurts to know that he will be gone soon.

Then I had to meet my mother for a few minutes and she was talking about what a big failure and disappointment my sibling has been. This is the sibling who is in a dire financial situation right now, and my mom ordered me not to help sibling AT ALL or she would "cut me off for good."

So that stressed me out all over again. Here I am, dealing with this illness on my own without my mom or sibling knowing it's a problem again, about to get fired, son is about to move out abruptly, and my living situation is up in the air, as well, since my mom owns this house and has said before that if my son was not in the picture there would be no reason for me to be in this house.

Now I'm wondering if she'll kick me out. We're in a kind of OK place right now, getting along, making an effort. But I'm always on pins and needles because I can't let anything slip about the dark side of my life.

Will I end up moving back into my childhood home?

Should I just confess to her that all this is going wrong, break down in front of her and cry in hopes that she will feel sorry for me?

That would probably convince her that I'm even more of a failure than she had ever imagined.

Meanwhile, I'm mad at myself. I need to get farther on the project that I'm working on with the website and my marketing plan.

And I'm walking around the house in tears AGAIN because I'm home alone. By myself. And soon I will be home alone all day, every day, without my son coming home in the evening at all.

I used to think I wanted to be home all day, working for myself. And I was successful at it for a while a few years ago. But each day I looked forward to him getting home from school and spending time with me.

Now I'm afraid I'll be back to rarely feeling the touch of another human being, and going an entire day without speaking to someone in person.

I should make the most of this time. I should have more self-discipline. I should follow that to-do list that I made instead of staring at it. I should go outside and walk around the block once in a while to try to get my weight under control.

I've started to freak out about getting fired again. My mom was talking about yet another elderly family friend who went into the hospital, and all I can think of is how I'm about to lose my health insurance.

Then I started looking at job websites again. Nothing pays well in this town. The only job openings I've seen pay nearly half what I make now. They're all a big step down, back to being a secretary or something similar. I'll probably make more on unemployment.

Why does everything have to hit me at once?

At least I haven't returned to the really, really dark depression that I was feeling a few weeks ago. That was terrible.

[unaluna]

omg. you need a hug. so, two directions to go on where you're living (three is you can leave town). But instead of WAITING for mom to find out, why not be proactive and tell her what's happening, with you, with your job, with your son? Do you have somebody to talk this over with? Do you want to leave her behind once and for all? Why not see what's happening with sibling and move 2 hours away with them? Oh, my "two choices" were, 1) get a roommate or 2) wait for son to have to move back in with you, but now with his gf.

[hamster-bamster]

I believe Hankster is right. Purpledaisy, the discovery is imminent and unavoidable; why not be proactive - and tell her? You will feel more in control this way, I think.

[purpledaisy]

It's never been easy to talk about deep subjects with her. I'm afraid if I sit down to talk to her, I'll fall apart like I've been doing so often lately.

I'll be a big, blubbering, crying fool. I hate being vulnerable like that.

It could go a few ways.

a. She would get mad and tell me what a failure I am right then and there. (I can't handle that right now.)

b. She would feel some compassion and realize I'm going through a really tough time, and just let me know she's there for me emotionally. (That would be nice, but it was what I was hoping for a few weeks ago when we sat down to talk, and it didn't happen.)

c. She would take control, sell my house, tell me to move into her house, tell me I need to make a plan. (I'm not sure how I feel about this. In a way, it would be nice to be out from under a house payment each month. She's rarely at her house because she's with her gentleman friend at his house all the time. But it would be weird to be living in my childhood house again.)

A counselor-type person I've been working with off-and-on over the last couple of years has told me several times, "You've got to feel to heal."

I haven't let myself feel. Not until these last few weeks.

Now I'm crying nearly every day. It just pops up. Tonight, I was opening the freezer to get ice cubes and started crying. No rhyme or reason.

I've been close to telling her what's going on a couple of times.

If I keep it all inside, I'm going to explode or have an aneurysm or stroke or something.

Just need to think this through.

[hamster-bamster]

Purple Daisy, do not sit down to talk with her because it would make you really vulnerable. Instead, capitalize on the fact that you are a strong writer and email her. You can post a draft here for feedback.