Another mental issue??

I don't know if this goes here or not. I'm hoping not... I'm hoping it doesn't belong anywhere but here goes...

For the longest time, I've had this issue and never really occurred to me for it to be more than just self esteem issues, but I'm starting to think it's more than that now. Been thinking about it a lot, actually, and yesterday made it more intense because my 10-year old daughter and I were having a discussion and it went there after. Where to begin?? Most recently... after my third kid, none of my clothes fit, like many moms, I guess. But after each one, I've been getting bigger and bigger, I guess this may be the trigger, this last one. I've never liked the way I look in pictures, or anything. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think I look "OK", but that's it... and I always pick myself apart. Lately, I don't even look at myself in the mirror. I've always thought I was fat, but lately I'm overwhelmed at how big I've gotten. I have no energy to work out. I've never worked out and therefore lack the discipline needed. My workouts were WORK, serving tables and bartending keep you fit... or at least they did for me. Yesterday my daughter said to me that she didn't think she was beautiful when I told her she looked it. She started crying. It broke my heart. She's gorgeous, inside and out, how could she not see it? Later, something happened and I said because I "was fat"... my daughter was very upset with me! How could SHE believe in her beauty when I couldn't believe in mine?? But I don't see myself that way! I never had and now it's worse than before!!
I've tried working out. I do it for a couple of days and then something happens, my sciatica starts to hurt, or my period, or I don't feel well or my husband is off, something.... then it takes me a week or more to get back into it. I feel HUGE, as big as a house... when I look in the mirror all I see is the huge belly and the huge arms... swollen face... I just can't look in the mirror any more. AND I don't have pictures of taken of me at all!!
Is this something else that I need to worry about? Something that therapy or pills can help? Actually, I haven't found therapy to help me at all, not with depression or bpd. I'm at my limit with everything... I'm sorry, but I'm praying to be put out of this misery!

It's hard to lose weight, that's the first thing you have to remember. It's not easy. It may feel like you put the weight on rather quickly, but it took time. So it will take time to take off.

The key with working out is that you don't have to jump right in to "working out." Start slow. Go for a walk 3 days a week. Get a pedometer (you can get a free app version for a phone if you have smart phone.) Start setting step goals. If you need help with that check out America on the Move (americaonthemove.org) and you can start "challenges" to walk famous trails virtually (by number of steps per day.)

Then start making small changes to your diet. Slowly start lowering portion sizes. Don't give up the foods you love, but start eating a smaller portion. Start adding new things like whole grains or vegetables.

It may take 52 weeks, but if you lose 1 pound a week that's 52 pounds. And you'll feel good and not deprived. If nothing else, you'll just feel better because you know you're doing something good for yourself.

There are some good smart phone apps like Lose it, where you keep a food journal and exercise log. I agree with Dark Heart, you didn't gain it in 30 days so don't expect to have the pounds melt away in a month. It takes time and patience. If you can't get out of the house for whatever reason look into an exercise DVD. I also find that reading books on healthy living is inspiring. Just toss the fashoin mags IMO.

Good Luck,

TnT

Oh, and guess you could say I picked the profile name thickntired for a reason, but I'm working on it

Topamax or Wellbutrin or both might help.

Thank you all for the weight loss tips. They are appreciated. I am currently on Wellbutrin, always have been, no change whatsoever. It's frustrating to not be motivated to loss the weight even though it's depressing to see. I get really angry at myself.

Motivation can be a real pain. I have horrible self-image issues myself. You'd think I'd be obsessed with making myself up and trying to look "pretty" but I am just proud that I shower and brush my hair some days. It's really weird how the mind works, you know?

Gave up on looking pretty, I don't think it's possible and feel like I'm just wasting my time. Most of the time if I wear make up, which I never have, I feel like the donkey in Nanny McPhee!!! Seriously! Again, I just don't look in the mirror any more. I hate that I can't see myself the way those around me see me. I just think they're lying to be nice!

I do not recommend weight loss goals. Set goals in terms of steps, as Dark Heart has advised. You will feel better this way. Weight depends on a myriad of factors, most of which are outside of our control, so setting weight loss goals can be really really frustrating. Step count is something that is totally within your control. Goals should be "SMART" - see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SMART_criteria - where A stands for Attainable. Steps - attainable, weight loss - not necessarily.

Makes sense?