help me make up a story that does not portray me as completely completely crazy

I am just going to relax and play it by ear. I think that would be best.

I think 2 marriages and hookups are well within the statistical average. I would not dx anyone by just having had two marriages and hookups, else close to half the population would have carried a dx of some sort. He has had a very stable professional trajectory that has led him to where he is now, having a chair, publishing books, lecturing, etc. etc., which is a tad too stable for bipolar/bpd. I am not saying that all bipolar/bpd people are unsuccessful - obviously, not, but the linearity of his professional trajectory just does not speak bipolar to me and much less so BPD. An interesting thought, though.

So now he tells me that in 2008 when he was looking for me, he was completely available and had serious things in mind. And he was looking for me to the point of doing stupid things that at that time annoyed the hell out of me - he posted a question on LinkedIn questions asking how to find such and such, by name. If I do a Google search for my name, this LinkedIn question still comes up in search, and I have always found it embarrassing.

The employer I worked for has a huge office in NYC and would have had absolutely no problem relocating me over there. Had I only known what was in store for me starting in just a few months -- a major suicide attempt, several psychiatric hospitalizations, loss of employment, ex' attempt to conserve me, disability, loss of custody, living in complete isolation -- well, sure I would have rather gone to live with Charles in NYC and kept an excellent job with a good growth potential. It would have been a no-brainer had I known my options. Where the hell was my crystal ball??!!

Instead, I told Charles that I was too busy with work etc etc and even that enraged ex as he found it too welcoming.

But that is OK - hopefully I will win some visitation rights which will justify my staying in the Bay Area. And I have definitely learned a lot of things the hard way living in complete isolation as I did, and I would have never learned these things had I been living in posh conditions in New York. So I think it was worth it. Well, if I stop thinking that it was worth it I will start feeling completely stupid and I do not want to there, I guess...

Tell a yarn - I like that.

I am leaning towards being as truthful as possible, though. It is just that I do not want to be stressed out. If I create a story, I will be stressed out about having to be consistent. If I tell the truth, then everything will flow naturally and I will not be stressed out. Makes sense?

I spoke too fast about statistics. His or my two divorces may be slightly above average. But at least one divorce is average where I have lived, which is large urban metropolitan areas and university campuses. Sure on a farm in the middle of nowhere you would get different stats; it all depends on the demographics. Urban areas always have higher divorce rates than rural areas.

That was not a good rendezvous. An update to follow.

I would hate that if a question about me were posted on LinkedIn. That's just.. lame.

My son actually found a long post my exhusband wrote on a website forum about our breakup. My son searched his father's name and found it. My ex actually used his real first and last name in the whole "boohoo, my wife loves another man, I was a bad husband, used and sold drugs, stole from her and her family, she says she was guided by the universe and having a spiritual awakening, I forgive her but she won't take me back..." It's a pity that is stuck on the internet forever. And even worse, the abundance of grammatical and spelling errors in his post. But mostly that I hear about it from my son, ughh.

Oh, that is really really bad. And with grammatical and spelling mistakes, too.

I am just not doing my write-up because it would take awfully long, but OMG it was so pathetic and even not amusing in the least bit.

He wrote a really nice letter to me. I will wait with posting anything until I figure out where I am with him.

This is just a short update from me. I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to rework the actual past into a presentable story that makes sense, so I am now telling people the truth. That is the only thing that makes sense to me and I am glad I am doing that. Cases in point: one Marianne, in Austin, another Marianna, in Chicago, and my former classmate and friend and neighbor Ron, in SF. I found Ron via LinkedIn yesterday and will have lunch with him tomorrow. And we have been emailing today.

Ron told me that his ex wife took her own life in 2004. She " ended up in a situation very similar to yours - with a demeaning, controlling narcissistic bastard for a husband. Don't let it upset you, but she didn't make it. She took her own life back in 2004. As far as I can tell, our daughter (HB: whom he raised and she is an adult now and just passed the California Bar) has handled it fairly well."

After that sort of an introduction, I told me about my suicide attempt. That sort of felt like the right thing to do. His response was very sweet and touching. I did not expect anything quite like that. "What else can I say? I am certainly glad I did not have to tell my daughter she lost two mothers that way. " After just being classmates and neighbors in university housing for two years, to call me her mother is very sweet.