Dad on Bipolar: "Get Over It" ...Happy Thanksgiving!

So it's that time of year to spend it with your loved ones, basking in their love and support...oh, wait. Hold that last part just a moment:

My dad is old school, I knew that. I just didn't know how old school. I'm a grown woman, old enough to know better and experienced enough to know that my BP is much better off managed (even with the mania lately, it's better than historical events have shown...) under the care of a pdoc. When he asked after my sleep today at dinner, innocently enough I thought, I said that we were adjusting meds and things should settle soon. His reply: "You know you should fire them all (meaning pdocs in general). And not take anything. Get over it."

Excuse me?

This is the same father that watched me spiral out of control with alcoholism (unmedicated I might add), lose myself to depression to the point of suicidal ideation and lose six years of my life to a horribly abusive man in every sense of the word? That I should *choose* to not take my meds?

I don't know which part of his three-sentence assault to be most offended by. I did notice, however, that all of this was said well outside of earshot of anyone, including my mother. She has been nothing but supportive, looking up ways to help, things to ask me, questions about medications, etc. I had thought that my family was 100% behind me up until today, this has been a blow to me.

Have you experienced this? It almost feels like a betrayal. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm overreacting. Have you dealt with a family member or close friend that thought your BP was a figment? Or something made up? How do you deal with or handle this?? Suggestions?

My late ex MIL said it, and she influenced me and I went off drugs in an effort to save money and it was the most stupid decision. Hold your ground, please.

The only family support I have is my in-laws. When I'm at my family's if I don't keep a close eye my family's psych meds they'll go missing. When withdraw gets bad our meds "show up". Then I get a lecture about how horrible and untested they are. That anyone would get dx.'d as bipolar if they went to a pdoc. That's only because almost everyone in my extended family (grandma, mom, sister and mom) has been dx'd at least 2x with bipolar by different pdocs.

I keep meds out of sight. I view it as anything else political, education and religious issues not talk about it in "polite company". If it comes up a change of topic is needed.

I think its selfish for family members to stay uneducated.....My best friend is bipolar. I am always looking for ways to accommodate him. I have had the opportunity now to be around a lot of his family. For the most part, they pat him on the back and really love him but they don't understand his disposition. His brother is sort of his caretaker which whom he lives with and often says things like, you shouldn't be taking so much medicine or why dont you just get a job or stop sleeping your life away. THen his sisters give him lots of hugs and talk about their growing up but just don't seem to grasp his moods. THey suggested I start going to the doc with him. As good friends as we are, he is very modest and very private. He does allow me to track his moods so I do. We hang out a lot, but when he needs his space, I give it to him. I do get frustrated sometimes and I do talk to him about my frustrations for some of the stuff he does. I dont always get an explanation, but when I do, I can better help him next time. We had a magnificent day, but dark came and he was ready for bed. I wasn't quite ready to end my day so I brought him home and went back visiting with my family. I feel as though he is the only person who understands me and I think I am the only one who tries to understand him.

He quietly holds his own and knows that getting off his meds wreaked havoc in his life. My only suggestion is to direct your family or friends as to where they can learn about BP in order to know that this is not fake or made up..

It is such a difficult thing trying to explain this disease to family and friends. Regardless of the explanations, people always fill in the gaps with their own interpretations. Before I was diagnosed, I did take anti-depressants for periodic depression. My husband and his side of the family would tell me that "it was not good to be taking those medications." Inwardly, I allowed myself to think that taking the medication was a sign of weakness and I felt a sense of shame. Imagine that - feeling these negative emotions for years and the problem all along was not issue, it was their ignorance!

The no med stance has lasted years and after my meltdown 2 years ago, there was some relief when the psychiatrist provided some education.

You cannot control what others think about you or the illness. You can, however, choose to not let their ignorance derail you. I know it is difficult, but it is truly their ignorance.

I am definitely going to hold my ground on this issue. And I know you guys are right, it's not my fault that its his lack of education ( or lack of willingness to understand) that has created this "opinion" of my BP. Maybe I should ask my pdoc to provide some insight or education (thanks BluePoppy) and see if that might help start a real conversation about the reality of my diagnosis. I can't go unmedicated again, it's just too painful!

If your going to ask for educational info. I'd ask a doctor that he trusts.

When I read about people such as your dad, liviacat, all I want is to do something physically aggressive to them. Annihilate them a bit .

I want to anhililate him a litte bit too...

My dad is that way, too. I've even heard those words. When I stopped drinking, my Grandfather said I could still have a beer here and there, just stop. Both my dad and grandfather have seen me at my sickest and worst. I have this theory, though. I think the reason family can be resistant, patronizing, etc., is because it is genetic. It runs throughout families. They relate to you too well. If BP is real, that means your crazy. Part fear, part vanity. I know it's hurtful to hear coming from your own family. I'm sorry that happened to you.

My husband did not believe anything was wrong with me. It took my T sitting him down and explaining to him in rather blunt strongly worded way. My husband now realizes that I do have an illness/disorder/condition/whatever. Does he really understand it ? No. He is more supportive now most of the time.

I have other family members/friends that believe in the " pull yourself up by your boot straps" mentality... I can't control what anyone thinks about me and my mental health struggles. Does it bother me sometimes ? Yes. But I can't change how they think, the only thing I can change and have control over is how I allow it to effect me.

I am sorry your Father just can't seem to be the supportive person you would like him to be.I'm sorry you are going through this. The only advice I have for you is try and stay strong and know that unfortunatly there are many people in familys that will probably never understand. It sure isnt fair thats for sure.

Good Luck !

I haven't really experienced it. When I was first diagnosed with mental illness it was with depression (which was wrong) but it was kind of a catalyst in my father and his side of the family. My father was diagnosed with depression and others in his family. But Mom's side (we were geographcially not as close) didn't understand and her mother was very critical that she was making me take medicine. It wasn't until my grandmother experienced severe situational depression and anxiety and finally agreed to take medication that she understood. She even apologized to my mother, but this was many years after my first diagnosis.

My mother refers to it as "your thing"... as in Me: Mom, I'm in the hospital Mom: is it your thing again? If I bring up psychiatrists, meds, bipolar, etc, they change the topic. Once my stepfather came up to me and said, You know you'll go to hell if you kill yourself..... Yes, I really want to hear that. Let's talk.

I can totally understand this. Neither one of my parents (they are divorced and remarried) understand my illness at all. I went home for Thanksgiving, and my stepmother acted like my phobias (I am almost to the point of agoraphobia with my social anxiety) is something I should just "get over" and force myself to do things anyway. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't. The mood stabilizer I've been on for years has made me lose my memory and my balance, and they act like it's a joke. Other than that, they pretend I'm fine, I just make screwed-up choices. They've never bothered to find out anything about my illness. And my mother, she read two chapters of a book I bought explaining bipolar so she might understand me a little better, and put it down after that, because "it was too depressing to know that a child of hers turned out like that." They make me feel like I chose to get this disorder. I wouldn't worry about what your father said, I know he's your father and all, but parents aren't always right. We know that. If you are doing what's right for you, and I imagine you are, since your life sounds like a repeat of parts of mine, then you don't need his approval to seek treatment or stay on it. If it's working, that's all that matters. And you do have your mother's support and love, and that's worth a lot.

The only person in my family I would even remotely consider talking to about my bipolar is my brother. My mom will be supportive one minute then turn around and claim I'm not really bipolar (the doctors tell people they are to get money) or act like I "let" myself be diagnosed as bipolar just to make her look bad. Now I follow the advice the priest at our church gave me---don't worry about or deal with them. Anybody who impedes your ability to get better shouldn't be involved. Worry about yourself and those people who need you, such your spouse, significant other, children and then worry about everyone else if need be.

When I was a teen I was severly depressed, suicidal, doing poorly in school, no friends or social life to speak of, and struggling in general. When I went to my dad he said to me variations of these things: "You're just a kid, what do you have to be depressed about? Everyone is depressed, just suck it up and get over it." So, I had no help in that arena.

So I stopped trying to get help from my dad. When I went delusional in my late teens/early twenties, he was equally not there for me. I called the police multiple times on people who weren't actually there, but I thought were walking around outside my window at night. I think he's the only person I never actually told my grand delusion to, though... because I wouldn't tell him because in telling people I was looking for help, and I already knew he wouldn't.

So, when I was diagnosed with bipolar I told my husband and then I said, "I'm not even going to tell my dad, there's no reason he needs to know." Because he doesn't. I know he 1) won't care, 2) doesn't believe in mental illness, 3) has a lot of major health concerns so why stress him out on something he doesn't understand and never will.

My mom's family is full of BP and ADHD and autism but she (I'm sure she put the H in ADHD) insists my BP comes from my father's side of the family. I'm 50, so she's what 75. My BP kicked in when I was 13.

Recently she said this, I swear she did: "How were we supposed to know you were in your room depressed, we thought you were m*st*rbating."

Such a nice mom. Narcissicistic Personality Disorder anytone?

I agree with Blue Poppy and Sushine. Thank you for posting this topic. So far I have not been faced w/ unsupportive family members. Although I only go into details w/ a small group of people. I'm pretty strong willed and don't worry abt giving a care of negative feedback. But I'm glad to read post on positive responses to negative feedback. As one else stated I view my BP as a off topic like politics. My family knows me well enough to know I'm private and "if" I want an opinion on a topic I'll ask. LOL. I hate u received a negative feedback from ur dad. It might be best to set boundaries....things that are just off topics. U have to always thing of you and ur wellness.

Thank you all so very much for sharing your experiences with this topic - it means a great deal to me to know we aren't ever alone! I know I'm very lucky to have the unconditional support of my mother and I'll focus taking comfort in that. My father will either come around to acceptance, or he won't - it's not up to me to "make" him face my BP, maybe there's issues I'm unaware of that have shaped his views in this area. But for now, it is what it is - just something we're not going to be able to discuss.

I thought I was going to the hospital yesterday, (I'm still too "functional") and I thought a side effect of that would be a real conversation about my BP, but that's not going to happen (yet). He didn't have a problem, or I don't think he did, accepting I had a problem with alcoholism when I went into treatment for that almost three years ago - but I guess since this is less tangible it's harder for him to accept? At any rate, I'm staying as strong as I can, trusting my instincts and hoping I remain out of the hospital for sleep deprivation/mania. Thanks again for sharing with me and reading this!

Alcoholism is also more accepted by society as a real thing. Bipolar is considered a joke by many people, or a fake thing, and excuse people make... that's the stigma right there.

If you walk into a crowded room and say "I've been sober for (blank amount of time)" people will cheer, clap, shake your hand, etc. If you walk into a crowded room and say, "I have been stable on my psychiatric meds for (blank amount of time)" people would stare at you blankly, nervously tell you that's good, or roll their eyes.

Very true Dark Heart - very true!

I just remembered something!! When my younger sister became suicidal with her second pregnancy and wanted to go to the hospital (instead she stayed with my parents 700 miles from home for 2 weeks leaving her husband at home with their first child) my dad was nothing but supportive for her. God!! The vindictive part of my personality really, really wants to throw this in his face!!! How could he support her depression and not mine? Or, better said, how can he acknowledge one MI and not the other? How is this not hypocritical??

So, I decided to write an email to him. I haven't sent it yet - but would anyone be willing to give feedback on it before I send it? I want to make sure I don't come off as a whiner or a dumb ***...

Went ahead and sent an email to him - decided to leave out references to my sister because I really can't know for sure what their conversations were like or what substance they had. I stuck to the theme of my feelings being hurt and wanting to start (however late it might be) a conversation about my BP and how his attitude (or perceived attitude) affects my relationship with him for better or worse. I tried to take the high road and not accuse/attack/insult or otherwise be mean-spirited (which meant a lot of editing...) so we'll see how it's received. But I did stress that "get over it" is in no way an acceptable phrase or approach, period.

Good luck with this! Hope he is receptive and not defensive.

Liviacat, does your dad have any medical diseases at all? Such as high blood pressure? If he does, why doesn't he "just get over" them?