Not good

This will almost certainly be triggering to some people so please don't read if you're not stable.

I came out of hospital about a week and a half ago after being in for 15 days under a section. This was due to having a Bipolar meltdown among other things and basically wanting to kill myself. It's all planned, notes written etc which to me is a comfort because the option is there without me having to do anything else when I feel the time is right. I've been hanging on a knife edge since coming out of hospital and must admit I did lie and pretend I was fine just so I could get out. I've dropped really low today and am struggling. Do I ring the crisis team or not? If I ring them there's the chance that they'll admit me again which I don't want but then I'm not managing lane. I rang the cmht today but my new care coordinator wasn't in...reception have left a message for her to ring me tomorrow but it seems so far away. My brain is telling me to get on with it but my heart is hanging on in there and resisting. I'm a bit of a mess to say the least.

Anyway I'm sorry to anyone who decided to read this...I'm just whingeing and whining as per usual.

In this case, listen to your heart......it's telling you that you want to live.

I know you don't want to go back to the hospital, but you must. You are not safe right now and need to be where people can look after you and adjust your meds quickly to get you past this immediate crisis. Go today---go NOW if you can.

Good luck, and God bless!

I just can't face it...I always feel worse when I go in because I've got serious control issues and you lose every iota of control in hospital which really stresses me out. I've just got to hang on until my care coordinator rings me tomorrow. And pray she doesn't initiate getting me sectioned again. I can do it...I think..maybe. The joys of Bipolar..gotta love it!