[dugan123]

I have so much positive, great husband, good paying job, family, friends yet there is this need to grab the negative. I have suicidal thoughts and struggle with my work. I have huge fears about work, stupid stuff. These struggles have gone on for so long that I'm worn down from them!! Seems they never change and are always there. I dream of having an auto accident that gets me out of work or an airplane hitting my place of employment so I can get out of work. Next week I start working 3 days a week so maybe that'll help.

I don't understand why I struggle so much? Why does life have to b so difficult? It seems I can't get past my trivial struggles that drive me batty! I'm rambling so I'll shut up now!

[Clinte89]

Sorry your having such a rough time of it but I understand how you feel, it sucks but depression sucks. That's just how it is.

[gary290]

Dugan123, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I think our own stuff, no matter how small it may seem, piles up and piles up until it's overwhelming. I deal with suicidal thoughts also. I have to use thought stopping techniques to get a grip on them. Hope things get better with the 3 day work week. Take care. . . .Gary

[manicminer]

The best way I found to avoid negative thoughts is to find the things that trigger them and avoid them or cut them out of my life. Lifestyle changes are needed and can be difficult or impossible to accomplish, but even small changes can make a huge difference.

Switching from 4 on 4 off 12 hour shifts to a steady 5 days a week 8 hour shift, with 12 hour weekend shifts every 3rd weekend made a world of difference. Luckily, my employer made this change.

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by dugan123

I have so much positive, great husband, good paying job, family, friends yet there is this need to grab the negative. I have suicidal thoughts and struggle with my work. I have huge fears about work, stupid stuff. These struggles have gone on for so long that I'm worn down from them!! Seems they never change and are always there. I dream of having an auto accident that gets me out of work or an airplane hitting my place of employment so I can get out of work. Next week I start working 3 days a week so maybe that'll help.

I don't understand why I struggle so much? Why does life have to b so difficult? It seems I can't get past my trivial struggles that drive me batty! I'm rambling so I'll shut up now!

When you're in the pits, it doesn't matter how many blessings you have---you feel like crap, and THEN you feel guilty because you feel like crap. After all, life is good.....what do you have to complain about when there are so many other people out there who are so much worse off?

The thing is, there is no answer to that---no logic to it at all. Depression doesn't have to have a reason for existing; it just does, and until such a time as it lifts, you're going to feel like crap. And there are no "trivial" struggles: everything looks like a mountain when you're so deep in the valley you can't even see your way out.

If you aren't already receiving help, please do so.....it doesn't have to be this way, at least not permanently. That's one of the few blessings I've found in being bipolar---I know that even depression doesn't last forever. But whatever you do, DON'T lose yourself in guilt over feeling bad despite your overall good fortune. It doesn't do any good and leaves you feeling even worse. Take care.

[Gaijin]

You're right, BPNurse. And it only get worse as you get older.

[BlackPup]

A bad work environment makes life really hard. Hope the 3 day week helps improve things. Also are your anxieties realistic or out of proportion? One thing that helped my anxiety with my old job was to only let's self worry once something had gone wrong. Sounds weird but it really helped. Another friend had a rule that she wasn't allowed to stress before 10 am!