I was diagnosed last August with Major Depressive Disorder, Change Adjustment Disorder, Impulse Control Disorder.
Most of the stress that I was under at that time is gone or resolved, but some of it has just gone away for a while, scheduled to return I am sure.
I have been depressed since I was a teen; covered it, avoided it, drank and drugged over it (mostly pot, but did have some pills in there like valium, demerol).
And I always had a girlfriend...I mean always...it was like I could not go thru high school without at least some opportunity for sex or sexual arousal.
In 1992 I had been working like 100 hours a week, trying to pay off debt, keep from going bankrupt, and just pay my bills. I snapped.
I had a run in with my snippy little twit of a supervisor (who may have been just a perfect little saint) and I had a meltdown. I laid my keys on the desk and walked off my job. I was in heaven! I had no idea what I was going to do for money and did not even care! I was 26 years old. My father had died in 1990 and I had put my mother in a nursing home earlier that year (she had Alzheimers and I felt HORRIBLE) about putting her in a home.
I ran up my credit cards and was even using a card that was in my mothers name. I did not know what was going to happen to me from one day to the next and did not care! I was free!
Then a few months later, I start to get scared now and so I get a job waiting tables. I was very good at it and made great money at a trendy restaurant.
I spent every penny I could get my hands on. Stopped paying my CC bills, could have cared less about them.
The young woman I was dating, who would become my wife in 1996, suggested I get a "real job" and I agreed so I did.
I became very responsible and level (no meds, no therapist, no pdoc) and stayed on this job for 7 years, got married, finished college at night.
Got my current job that I have been at nearly 13 years back in 2001.
I discovered porn with the internet and computers, had a love/hate relationship with it but eventually used the porn to cover up the pain of the realization that I was the most selfish person in the world. I was a hedonist..if it felt good, I was gonna do it!
Drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, spend too much money...and lie my ***** off to cover it all up. I was OK! Hey we needed to buy that new stuff anyway! Look at that OLD stuff just sitting there getting OLD....NEW NEW NEW! (shoppers high I suppose)
Then my wife got pregnant, had baby girl, got post-partum depression and suddenly hated me with every ounce of energy she had because she had to work and we put our daughter in day care. She would come home and just deride me, tell me ow much she hated me, how she wished she never got mixed up with me, even took our daughter and left a couple times but always came back.
I snapped out of all that was wrong with me. It was like instant sobriety. I paid all bills on time, kept legers, could find every last penny we had. Went from living paycheck to paycheck to having thousands of dollars in the bank. We paid off over 60k in Credit Card debt. Paid off the house. Paid off the cars.
So now its 2007. Wife decides that I have to DO something with my life! ( I already had a good job, but she mademe feel as if I HAD TO DO SOMETHING so we started a gift basket business. Borrowed some money from SBA, ran up a CC for about $25k and I was off!
Well since I didn't really know what they hell I was doing, the business failed.
Now she wants me to get into real estate.
Its 2008 mind you...the bubble has not burst HERE yet, but in lots of other places it already has. I dive in, take the risk, throw caution to the wind.
The house does not sell...we get 5 showings in 6 months. It's too much house and we end up selling our paid for residence and moving into the spec house. The mortgage is more than my salary, but it was that or get forelosed on. Should have taken the F!
But did I know that at the time? Did not care....we were living in this big beautiful house and I just gave up.
We ran thru all the money, and I could not tell my wife we were broke. I could not handle the stress so I started drinking, looking at porn almost daily, then got online girlfriend, and got caught one night after our 16th wedding anniversary. CRASH.
MY bubble burst...now I am deeply depressed and very very ANGRY because this is all "my wifes fault" cause we had to get involved in real estate...i had to DO something with my life, etc, etc.
We fight loudly and ferouciously in frint of our daughter all times of the day and night.
We wake her up...she is scared and crying. Wife decides its enough and they leave for a few days.
I become even more angry and she tells me I need to leave for a while. Instead, like an injured child, I move out. I left. I was manic. I did not care about what happened them, that was my wifes problem now since she screwed up my life so much.
Then the next crash...my daughter wants a new full time daddy...but wait! I am your daddy...just not full time anymore because look at what I did! I crumpled to the floor and wept uncontrollably for 2 hours. I have not been the same since that day.
I started to find out what all was really wrong with me...still not sure!
Fast forward to today where my moods change like the direction of the wind. I am happy, then a few thoughts later I am stressed, a few thoughts later, I am depressed; a few more thoughts and I am upbeat but cautious.
Now I am tired but unable to sleep...and that is how I ended up writing this ridiculously LONG post wondering if I have had or have bipolar disorder my whole life or not...or am I bip at all?
I know we dont diagnose...not looking for that....I see my new pdoc next wednesday for that. But what do you think? AM I just a severely irresponsible idiot? Or does this sound like something other than bipolar? I am so tired of wondering what is wrong with me!!!!!!
I know this is not the first time I have wondered out loud what is wrong with me.
I am woking on that.

Thanks for reading this very long post! I am forever in your debt!

[~Christina]

SpiritOfAStorm,

Sounds like you have been going through a rough time for a long time. I'm 46 and was diagnosed Bipolar I a couple years ago ! It certainly explains alot of things in my life. I had been diagnosed many many times as MMD. Antidepressants just flip me into a ugly mania.

Do you have a Therapist? I feel talk therapy is very important, helps with the current problems and helps you make peace with your past.

Good Luck and glad you are here.

I do have an amazing therapist! I missed my last session because I was so very sick..cough, sore throat. I see her next week as well as my PDoc for Med evaluation.
I was on Lexapro and Abilify.
When I was first taking them it was great...I was able to think and feel and sleep. After a few months I started having horrible physical side affects with muscle cramps up my back into my shoulders, then would become like an anxiety attack...tight chest and labored breathing.
Cogentin was added but it never seemed to help so I had to quit taking the meds.
I do pretty well for a few days but then like today, I could not make a decision about a few things, it was very very difficult to come to a conclusion.
I KNOW what I need to do, its just very stressful to do it.
Thanks for your time!

[hamster-bamster]

If these physical side effects were due to Abilify, you should know that there are drugs beyond Cogentin to help counteract them.

[tattoogirl33]

just for the fun of it research Borderline Personality Disorder..

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

If these physical side effects were due to Abilify, you should know that there are drugs beyond Cogentin to help counteract them.

These seemed to work well for me, just until the side affects started.
If the side affects were not there I would probably still be on them.
I hope the new pdoc can help with that.