[Speed3]

I want to thank all of you for the Thoughts and Prayers,

I had been doing ok till last evening. I have been comforting everyone else. Making all the plans. There have been so many phone calls and visitors.

Last evening my younger brother came over to go over pictures with my husband for the viewing. All of a sudden it just became too much. Too much to handle. It felt like I could not breathe anymore.

Then my husbands twin brother arrived from Virginia, with Jason's cousin and her two beautiful boys 4 and 2. They looked so much like Jason when he was little. I wanted to be a good hostess, but I could not bare to hear their little voices and laughter.

I just wanted to believe none of this is true. I kept seeing Jason on the floor behind his bedroom door blue and lifeless. I rembered screaming at my my husband does he have a pulse quick start CPR. I remember breathing for him. Calling 911 dropping the phone. I remember all the vomit coming up when I was try to get him to breath. It was strangling him, I tried so hard to get it all out. I was slapping him on the face yelling Jason breathe breathe !

Last night I was obsessed with what were his last minutes like. Did he suffer. Why was he by the door was he trying to get to us ?Why didn't I here him fall?
Why WHY WHY
I have to get Through to Thursday, I don't know if I can ?

[Speed3]

If you want to read Jason's obituary and light a candle for him go to

www.msbfh.com Jason Crosby. Under online obituaries

[Phoenix217]

I am really sorry for your loss. I'm new here, so I don't know how much I can help, but I am willing to try. Unfortunately, your questions don't have definite answers but if he was unconscious from an overdose, I would assume that he did not suffer. I hope you find solace in that. As for your other questions, there's really nothing you could do. Try not to think of that and instead think of what a blessing he was in your life. We are all on borrowed time. Try to focus on the fact that he was in your life rather than the amount of time you had him for. Celebrate his existence. Remember, he lived. Don't worry about being a good hostess. If it helps you cope, then keep yourself busy, but now, your only responsibility is to yourself and your husband and keeping your son's memory alive. Share the blessing that was your son with those that didn't have the privilege of meeting him. Cry if you need to. Grieve. Laugh. You have every right to feel the way you do and do what you do to be ok. Just remember, you were blessed.

[Phoenix217]

I try to reply, but my replies won't post. Would talking about your son help you feel better? Celebrating his life and the blessing it was in yours perhaps?

[BlackPup]

You can do this. One moment at a time. No one expects you to be a good hostess - you are suffering. Keep posting.
My heart goes out to you and your family. You are all in my prayers.

[Speed3]

Thank you Blackpup

I need you guys so much. With the bipolar it makes me a little more fragile.
My family and friends have never been able to understand my illness.

I had just got off the seroquel and weaned down a little on the Ativan.
I have been taking 100 mg Seroquel to sleep now. I am taking a little more Ativan than before.

I had started to work out again with my husband. A New Year a new me. I was going to get stronger. I was going to be able to help Jason more.

Never could I have imagined what God's plans were. I am so mad at God right now, for taking Jason.

When he took my Mom when I was 22, I thought that was my dose of sorrow and suffering.

What have I done ? Why my Mom and now Jason ?

What does God want from me ? What should my mission be now ?

Please help me to understand all of this and the bipolar, too !!

I feel there is something I should be doing, but I don't know what it is !

MY tears won't stop! I feel I can't breathe !
I need a million hugs

[Doxie mom]

I cannot even imagine what you are going through. It is true that it is so lonely that the people closest to you cannot really understand your illness. My son went through periods where he was so unwell. He would mutilate himself with straight razors he would have to go to psych wards. It was my mission in life to help him get well but no matter what I did I could not do it. Unfortunately we do not have the power to fix things in another person no matter how desperately we try to. It is not right for our children to go before us I am so sorry you are suffering.

[Clinte89]

Once again I'm so sorry your having to go through this, it's defiantly not fair. But I will keep you in my thoughts and send you as many good wishes that I can. I know you'll pull through it, but you need some you time right now.

What you're going through, Speed, in my view, is part of the natural grieving process. Anger is an early step in it, and things will change with time. If you
feel you need it, ask your psychiatrist for a reference to obtain grief counseling.
Understanding it will help the process.

It's one step at a time, just as Black Pup said. Then, it's one day at a time--that's
how you get through it.

Prayers going up for you now.

Take care.

Speed,

I sent you a PM about some of your questions that I heard addressed just yesterday at a funeral for a dear, young friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

there is no 'logic' at a time like this...

no reasoning with the most unreasonable sadness.

things are going to be very difficult for a while.... until you are completely spent.

there is no mission for this time...beyond being free to feel ...right now everything painful is justified.

life never gets more intense...never more intense than when it's absence gets real close!

Jason...he is on the other side he can see you still even clearer than ever before...

can you 'feel' him watching you?

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by Phoenix217

I am really sorry for your loss. I'm new here, so I don't know how much I can help, but I am willing to try. Unfortunately, your questions don't have definite answers but if he was unconscious from an overdose, I would assume that he did not suffer. I hope you find solace in that. As for your other questions, there's really nothing you could do. Try not to think of that and instead think of what a blessing he was in your life. We are all on borrowed time. Try to focus on the fact that he was in your life rather than the amount of time you had him for. Celebrate his existence. Remember, he lived. Don't worry about being a good hostess. If it helps you cope, then keep yourself busy, but now, your only responsibility is to yourself and your husband and keeping your son's memory alive. Share the blessing that was your son with those that didn't have the privilege of meeting him. Cry if you need to. Grieve. Laugh. You have every right to feel the way you do and do what you do to be ok. Just remember, you were blessed.

Your words are very comforting. Thank you so much. We were so blessed to have Jason with us for so long. He was an amazing person. I have so many reminders of him around me. I just froze the last of the Christmas cookies he made. So I can have them as a reminder of what an excellent cook he was.
He was good at so many things. For some reason he was not able to reach his full potential here on Earth. But there is a new angel in heaven looking out for all of us.

[Speed3]

The mornings when I wake up before my husband and I am alone. Like now.
I weep and talk out loud to my son. It is incredibly painful, but not like the evenings.

In the evenings when the sun goes down. The sorrow becomes unbearable. I keep flashing back to when we found Jason. That image rips me apart. As the night goes on I feel as if I can't live with the sorrow. I find things of Jason's and hold on to them. His clothes he wore and weren't washed I hold to my nose to get his scent.

I wail in pain, my husband, my poor husband, can't take seeing me like this.

He had a good idea. I am going to take a little seroquel early in the evening tonight instead of waiting to take it all at bedtime.

I hope this helps.

If you can post to me please do, you don't now how much it helps!
Thank you all for your support I feel all of you with me
There aren't words to express how grateful I am to have you all

Hope the change in med schedule will give you greater comfort in the evenings, Speed. Honestly, you sound much stronger today, and please know that you will
continue to have times when you will grow stronger; you seem to be progressing each day.

Prayers still going up for you.

[Clinte89]

That sounds like its worth a try, and I hope it helps you. I can't imagine how hard this must be but your strong and you can deal with it. I can imagine finding things of your sons must be tough but those are things you can always hold on to. Just stay strong and safe we all are sending good thoughts your way.

[Anika.]

Speed,

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been reading on here and staying silent lately, but want to reach out to you. My brother in laws mother passed a way 2 months ago, she was not that old. They are Vietnamese and Buddhist. I found the way they approach death very comforting, it is much different than the western ways. They do just celebrate the life of the person, remember what the person did here in this life. Because they believe in reincarnation, and tho you or I may not. They seem to understand that the person is just moving onto the next phase, and they embrace it in a peaceful calm manor, they seems to know that the person is indeed ok, and that the person is just continuing on the path that is meant for them to travel, whatever the reason is.. and we would never know that part.

But even if you believe in god, and might not understand the plan for your son. We can try to understand that he has just passed to a different phase, that you indeed can celebrate his life, and how he touched yours. Know that he is ok. I think in the buddhist tradition they try not to hold onto the person, to keep from holding that person back from their next phase, it's the holding onto the person that makes us feel so much suffering. It did seem to me that the more they could try to let the person go with understanding that the less suffering they too seemed to experience.

I don't know if that helps any. It was new to me, but very beautiful. Do know that we are with in spirit. You are not alone, lean on us for strength when you need too. Please don't worry about being a good host, I am sure this would be the last thing to enter your family's minds at this time. Can you ask for any help with some of the tasks, I am sure they would be more than happy and able to help you in your time of need Speed.

I am thinking of you and Jason, sending you millions of hugs, strength and healing.

[wing]

Speed- I don't know why God allows these things. You've suffered the worst thing any mother can face. There is nothing I can say...I know your grief is unimaginable.

[costello]

Speed, I have a facebook friend who I met through the NAMI forum. Her son died suddenly of a heroin overdose too. He was 26. Nearly two years ago now. I hope you don't mind that I messaged her and sent a link to your first post about Jason. I don't know if she would come and talk to you, but she's been where you are now.

Oh, Speed, I wish I could make it better for you.

[costello]

Speed, I PM'ed you with contact info for my friend.

[Victoria'smom]

Speed, I hope you can get a little bit of peaceful sleep tonight.

[Nobodyandnothing]

Speed, I am so sorry. I believe there is another angel in heaven and his name is Jason. It helps me to think of all those I have lost having a huge party in heaven and waiting for us to join them when it is our time. I hope I have not broken any rules writing this.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by costello

Speed, I PM'ed you with contact info for my friend.

Costello,
I got the PM and responded. Thank you

[Speed3]

I took 50 mg of Seroquel around 4:30 pm yesterday. It wipeout me out.
I fell asleep on the bed with my clothes and slippers on.

Luckily my husbands coworkers came over, so he was not alone. I feel bad I missed them though. My husband is in so much pain and grief. I woke around 10:00 pm they had brought food. He had went out earlier to get drinks. He didn't remember to offer them the food or even give them drinks. He said they just talked. He is very close to his coworkers they are like family.

I worry about him. Jason was his buddy. Right after Jason was born I went back to work after two months. My husband was in between careers. He was a stay at home dad. Because of this his bond with Jason was so special.

I am so so so worried about him.

I will try 25 mg of seroquel this evening.

Thank you all for your support

[sassymck]

I know I don't know you or Jason, but I lit a candle because having lost so many loved ones and having kids his age plus a son who is 27, my own heart just relates to your pain and loss so deeply. I'm not sure there are words to tell you how to go on til Thursday. It's just something you seem to do because you have no other choices. You either give up or go on, and you know you can't give up so you go on. It's so natural to be triggered and to re-live the events; also to ask yourself WHY????? It's just all such a normal part of the shock, trauma, and grief. I don't have to tell you that it is Hell because you already know it. At first you go through preparations and you seem to be the rock. You think it's gonna be cool and then you fall apart. I'm just so sorry, and if ever you want to talk or get support, just keep writing away. We are all here. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. I just can't imagine your pain right now. The thought of it makes me shiver. Please accept my condolences. Keep telling yourself you will get through it because somehow, some way, you actually will even though inside you feel you will crumble. I promise.

[Speed3]

I had a total melt down yesterday.

I had to find an outfit for the funeral. All my clothes are casual. It did not go well.

Nothing felt right, and how could it. Please tell me how you find something to wear to your beloved son's funeral ???? I did but.....

I felt like I was having a psychotic break. My brain just could not handle anymore. I came home and took a lot of Seroquel and went to bed. I left my poor husband to finish all the tasks to be done.

As each day goes on I feel my bipolar illness getting worse. Tonight is the Viewing, tommorrow the funeral. I tried to get an appointment with my PDOC for Friday, but he did not call back.

I have found strength somewhere to give Jason and his friends and family the best possible viewing and funeral. ( it feels so strange that I am writing these words). But after this I don't know where my mind will go.

I promised my husband I will not take my life. But I said after Jason almost died in August that if he died I could not live.
You are all so sick of hearing this, I am so sorry.