Not sure If I'm dealing with bipolar or something else.

Even when I was little, I always felt a strange emptiness. I never had much confidence and I've always had anxiety issues, which were easy to deal with then by avoiding anything that made me feel bad. This became the norm, and now I'm 19 years old and live as if I were agoraphobic. I'm not afraid to leave the house, I simply don't see the point. I graduated high school just barely (missed two years of it), and now I do nothing at all.

I only ever did what was required of me. I went to school, then I came straight home and escaped into the world of video games. This was basically 10 years of my life.

Around age 12, that emptiness grew larger and I became very depressed for about 4 months. It was at that time that I adopted this "nothing matters" attitude that I have been unable to get rid of. It eats away at me. I cannot convince myself otherwise. It makes me want to kill myself.

Now I get mood swings and was diagnosed Bipolar 1 last year. They're quick, often hours, days, or maybe even a week or two. That's really only the "ups". The downs are mixed, angry, dysphoric, and sometimes even dissociative, and the lower I sink, the harder I spring up. I feel like a lunatic at times, but I confine myself to the room I'm typing this in most of the day so no one sees how sick I am. I'm not reckless, I don't spend my money on anything, nothing typical of mania or depression at all, but they're very distinct complicated feelings and states of mind that I find myself in constantly.

I'm diagnosed, but I seriously doubt that I have bipolar disorder. It feels like I damaged myself and this "hole" is the real problem, as it's only getting bigger. Meds don't work at all, which further convinces me my illness is trauma based.

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So, could this trauma be what activated the bipolar, or am I not bipolar at all, or am I merely an ultra rapid cycler--which I take is different from typical and rapid cyclers?

Should I keep trying meds, or should I focus on counseling? My last therapist said I was manic and refused to treat me unless I was "leveled out", but I think she gave up too easily. I get stressed and panicky sometimes, which may be mistaken for something else in the context of bipolar disorder. My pdoc said it's a very sticky label.

I think you need a second opinion. It certainly does not look like a classic bp. You also need to realize that whatever the dx is you will need to practice socialization.

It doesn't sound like BP to me either, more like borderline. But then, I'm not an MD and the smart thing to do would be to get a second or even third opinion from a psychiatrist, rather than seek advice from strangers on the Internet. We can listen and offer suggestions, but we can't diagnose........wishing you the best of luck.

Sounds like depression to me, (but I'm no psychiatrist.) Hang in there and mention this to your psychiatrist, (maybe a change in meds will do you good.)

I agree with everyone .. You need to see a psychiatrist ( or a new one) . You say you do nothing ? No job? Do you live with your parents?

Medications can help of course but they wont fix all the problems, Sorry you saw a Therapist that thought you needed to "level out" .. Odd, strange indeed. I was complete sobbing ridiculous mess when I saw my T for the first time.

There are many diagnosis's that could fit you. Not all mania is WoooHoo Happy events . Bipolar is a complex mess , everyone is unique.

This is just my thoughts and views.. I don't care what it is or what it is called , all I am focused on is... How I can help myself ? How I can function and how to enjoy my life. I believe Therapy has helped me more than medication.

I hope you find help and hope. It is possible to learn to enjoy life

You can also see a PhD psychologist for a neuropsych eva
Luation that would reveal things like borderline personality disorder. It costs a lot of money though, if you do not have insurance. But it would be money well spent, I feel.

Stressed and panicky does not sound like mania but more like anxiety which may be bp and may be a standalone anxiety disorder.

Yes, I live with my parents. Everyday is exactly the same---I do nothing except try to acquire new skills or hobbies, or ease boredom with TV and videogames. It's a mind numbing experience.

I spent yesterday morning coming up with a new "theory". There's simply too much to post online at any given time to give someone a good idea of what could be going on. I attempted this once and wrote over 12,000 words without sleeping and tried to make my therapist read it, which is why she thought I was manic. I also have a hard time not leaving out things that could be relevant due to my own bias and opinions, which further complicates things.

The new "theory" goes something like this:

I have always had an anxiety disorder, more severe than I ever gave it credit. I'm also extremely introverted and introspective. These together have allowed me to traumatize myself little by little, holding on to negative experiences and allowing them to blow up. Like I said, I became severely depressed around age 12, and that mindset became a cesspool of psychologically scarring thoughts and subjective experiences that essentially ruined me. I'm too "in my head". I literally live inside it. Anyways, this depression and anxiety basically gave me a complex PTSD because I realized yesterday I've been reliving negative memories for nearly half my life. I recognized the PTSD symptoms but didn't give it much thought because I've never been abused or traumatized. Around 16, I became even more depressed than before and the episode lasted almost 18 months until I was functioning on some level. The scent of the shampoo I used everytime I showered before going to school my sophomore year would make me shake and feel like vomiting when I started using it again, a few months after dropping out. I was flagged for PTSD at age 16 when my doctor had me screened for depression, which made her question me about abuse and a "certain event", for which I could think of nothing, so it was written off.

My PTSD isn't severe, but rather low level and chronic, just like the things that caused it, which leads to feelings of emptiness and eventually depression. That's my guess, assuming this is PTSD.

When Bipolar disorder came up as an issue, and eventually my diagnosis, it became apparent to me that I had a huge number of memories in my early childhood that were consistent with the disorder, becoming more pronounced with age.

-I would get these wild ideas and obsessions, lasting weeks or months.
-I would go overkill on schoolwork sometimes, almost crazed with blind ambition.
-I was hypersexual years before puberty.
-I would act goofy or not as myself, and then wonder what the hell I was thinking. This got me in trouble a few times.
-I was a totally different person throughout school. I easily see a cyclical pattern of being withdrawn and quiet, to hyperactive and downright shameless at times (really embarrassing). Each grade seemed to be the inverse of the last, with few exceptions.

I didn't recognize this pattern until around age 18. Besides the two major depressive episodes, my experiences and behaviors didn't seem severe enough to myself or anyone else to be evidence of a life long mood disorder (I knew I was scarred for life, but not bipolar).

Around January/February 2012, in hindsight it was clear that I had entered a productive hypomania that escalated to the point I had become aware of my own manic symptoms, which the stress of not understanding rewired me and opened a Pandora's box of new symptoms. The stress of not knowing what was wrong and trying to figure it out lead to either a mixed episode or Ultradian cycling, as I was clearly manic and depressed 2 or 3 times a day. The stress acted as a feedback loop that only intensified how awesome and horrible I felt until I totally dissociated and took a bunch of anti anxiety meds and cut my arm open.

Point being, I have strong bipolar symptoms, but it's merely a side show to the real problem. I'm starting to think the PTSD/anxiety is what really escalated the bipolar in me. Stress always makes mood issues come up. So does insomnia, which I've had to some degree my whole life. Add to this entering young adult hood and kindling theory. Both could explain the increased bipolarity---the episodes seem to burn brighter and faster, and so are not drawn out like in normal bipolar. I believe stress is doing this.

This could also not be bipolar disorder at all. Maybe I have an eccentric personality. IF I'm bipolar, the other complicating factors are likely why I don't exhibit normal bipolar behavior (because I don't leave the house often etc).
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I've also considered that I may have borderline personality. It's hard to determine because of my abnormal lifestyle. I can see me being borderline, but it seems I miss the core features of it. I see nothing but shades of gray most of the time. Black and white thinking sounds like an alien concept to me. I have also never been in a relationship, so that part of the criteria becomes irrelevant. I do have, however, have no sense of self, history of self injury, thoughts of hating myself, chronic feelings of emptiness, periods of mental or emotional dissociation (flat effect, no empathy, memory blackouts), and the rare occasion where I become overwhelmed with emotion, usually anger or frustration. I guess I do think in black and white terms with people (including myself). It's hard to explain, but I frequently right off other people as idiots that can't be helped. I recognized this tendency at an early age, and the only way I can get around it is to emotionally distance myself. Combat it with apathy. This works, but seems unhealthy. My ego is fragile and can barely handle competition of any sort. Even complementing others is painful. Receiving complements is just awkward. What really drives me insane, pathologically even, is when someone tells me something I already know and I was expecting them to tell me it. It's the anticipation and fulfillment of it that just makes my insides hurt with pure rage and annoyance, which I can hide at the cost of producing mental anguish in a bottle.

I've also considered autism spectrum, narcissism, anti social personality, and even psychopathy. Avoidant and histrionic personality also come to mind---however contradictory that would be.

All this being said, I feel much more mentally healthy when I don't think about any of it. That's partly why I joined several months ago and have only a few posts.

I guess I wanted this to only be 1 or 2 disorders that are easily treated with targeted meds or general therapy, but it seems like it could be at least 3 or 4 tricky illnesses complimenting each other. Mood, personality, and at least 2 anxiety disorders.

It also doesn't help at how skilled I am from hiding my problems. I project a mental straight jacket around myself that will only allow my subjective opinions out, which to my doctors is the only thing that can even provide one iota of a hint of what might be wrong. If it only exists in my mind, and isn't effecting those around me, maybe I could "decide" nothing was wrong, but clearly that was a pipe dream.

I've always been fascinated with neuroscience. I've often wondered how I'd go about getting tested like that. I hate the subjectivity of psychotherapy, as it and medication have clearly been a massive failure.

I'd practically expect the fMRI or pet scan machine, or whatever they use, to reveal all sorts of anomalies. I haven't felt like a normal human being at any point in my lifetime.

oh, well. I hate writing things this long. Hopefully it makes sense, and hopefully I won't need a moderator to approve it since I'm clearly not a spam bot or griefer/troll at this point.

I agree with getting another opinion so many symptoms are seen in other disorders. Best wishes