[creativelight]

I remember being 14 and calling myself crazy like it was super hip. I always knew I was different, I saw it as just having the balls to do and speak my mind. Friends called me crazy and I felt it was cool. I don't know when the word turned around on me to ***** slap me. But it's not important. What is, is that my now a days crazy is sort of unpleasant. Not like is not like before, is just that now I feel is a problem because I shouldn't be like that. Like I'm so slow for organization, I suck at it. It really burns me to be like that, I feel insufficient. Then there's the emotional crazy, like today I'm watching American pie the reunion, the movie just started and I'm laughing my *** off. Probably cuz it was like watching my life in the movie. So of course right after my laughter attack I start crying. Quietly because I'm totally ashamed to be seen crying after I was laughing crazy. Period I don't enjoy to be seen crying or expressing my emotions like that. I dunno when that happened cuz I had no filter before. Any ways... Is no biggie, but I just dislike it. Like I hate that sometimes I'm not able to contain my anger... For no good reason, as if I just needed to yell. Lol I mean there's always stuff that provokes you but I should be able to contain myself. But I don't, it happens too quick, before I can reason about it. I guess my crazy has never been cool except when its channeled into art and thoughts.. Maybe I was crazy for thinking that my crazy was cool.. Nah.. I'm gonna go with it was cool lol

[creativelight]

Hey I'm being censored! Ok how about this I laughed my **** off and the word came back to female dog slap me lol
Ok see I think that's funny, and there's probably someone thinking I'm so out of place. Like before, now, I choose to not care. Because funny is better than normal. Lol

[creativelight]

One more thing since I ended up venting my own dislikes, I can't stand that everyone can read me because I just can't hide what I think, it shows in my face! Also along with cluttered thoughts, I can't stand to turn on the light and forget to turn it off to have to get back up and do so, I'm so forgetful of stuff in the now! I know it could sound like I'm *****ing about simple stuff and I know there are ppl with real problems and stuff. I'm not really complaining, just venting it out. Sharing it!

[Lauru]

I know this has nothing to do with your post, but the painting in your sig is gorgeous. Who painted it?

And I do remember being your age and thinking it was pretty cool to be a little off like me. Course now I am way off. Lol. I don't find it so cool and funny anymore. Course I am also 40 now, so things in general tend to be less funny for me. oh well...

[creativelight]

Thank you! I did! I'm just always trying to keep a positive outlook, being funny and unusual has always helped. Now, I'm 30 but I still remember when I was 14, 25 and so on lol carefree! Little responsibilities... Just myself.. Now I have a house, husband and two babies, plus an emotionally demanding job. I don't have time or energy to create, paint etc.

[Lauru]

Oh, but you are so talented! I hope you do find your way back to painting/creating again. It is beautiful, just beautiful.

[creativelight]

Thanks so much Lauru! :-)

[manicminer]

Diddo on everything you just posted, except that I'm 24 and still single with little responsibilities; outside of work, loan repayments, bills, etc.

Gives me hope that I can to start a family. Got a new gf, so maybe it'll work out that way this time around

[BlueInanna]

Sounds like the perspective changing like it does over the years and being a mom changes everything. And people may think a 2nd child might only make things twice as busy and difficult, but really it's more like at least 10 times harder. Please do get back to your painting, I love this one so much. Must feel so amazing to create such a piece!

[cocoabeans]

Oh I remember being carefree too and I knew I was crazy, it didn't matter. I was alive then some doctor said oh no, this isn't right, this is a disorder. Let's label your experience, rip the meanings you see away, it's all psychotic, real crazy and now that you've eaten my knowledge you can never be happy again. You've got bipolar. That joy is just mania, that angst is just depression. Your life has no meaning. Your experience is crazy.

[manicminer]

Originally Posted by cocoabeans

Oh I remember being carefree too and I knew I was crazy, it didn't matter. I was alive then some doctor said oh no, this isn't right, this is a disorder. Let's label your experience, rip the meanings you see away, it's all psychotic, real crazy and now that you've eaten my knowledge you can never be happy again. You've got bipolar. That joy is just mania, that angst is just depression. Your life has no meaning. Your experience is crazy.

WOW that perty much sums up exactly how I felt following my dx.
I loved the way I was before I started treatment, just turns out being that way isnt socially acceptable. I say screw what society says. Can't stand all this political correctness in the world today

[cocoabeans]

You stopped feeling that way? I never could. The knowledge is there. Eyes are open and all I can even hope for is sedation.

[manicminer]

Originally Posted by cocoabeans

You stopped feeling that way? I never could. The knowledge is there. Eyes are open and all I can even hope for is sedation.

No never stopped and never will. But I dont hope for sedation. I hope for better understanding and insight, so I can use the symptoms to my advantage and/or reduced their negative effects on my life.

[creativelight]

Blue thanks a bunch! Indeed having two kids is 300% more work and sleepless nights. I'm hoping to get used to the headaches now lol manic and coco I feel you both. I used to embrace my crazy.. Now it's just complicated... I would say more but I just came up with a question I need to ask in The forum lol