telling my p-doc...

I kept my Lithium...case i need it.

I had a great appointment with this darling guy and I feel good about myself. It feels good to be honest! Thanks for convincing me to take this route!

I am now officially off AP. He has not refilled Geodon. I told him that being completely off Geodon has not only moved orgasms from flat, physical experiences to more of full-body-mind experiences as before, but also returned fantasizing. At medium dose of Geodon I had physical orgasms but no fantasy. So I said, I have this sexual partner and now I am able to occasionally fantasize about him. P-doc said "The only you have over there?" I said "No, locally" and only after I left, I figured that I had forgotten to fill him in on all the latest developments. But at any rate, he accepted that as reason enough not to go back to Geodon, so I told him that I have a full bottle of Ability at home that I have never touched and if anything happens, I will start using it. He said "fine" and gave me an appointment in a month (and not 2 as last time) because he wants closer monitoring with all the medication changes. I said "No problem, now that I have a car, it is no big deal to come in" (it used to take almost two hours ONE way with public transit).

I gave him the neuropsychological report with nothing on Axis I. He was afraid that I would want off all medications. I said that no, I recognize that I have bipolar, I have had typically bipolar spending sprees and now that I am on Lithium, I managed to buy nothing on a trip abroad - nice. I also recognize that I went from excitement to daily work without any anti-climax and probably taking Prozac now played a role. And of course I need Elavil for sleep. So no, not to go off all medications but just to question the need for an AP because - and I told him the story of my convincing a reluctant p-doc to prescribe an AP being convinced by ex that I had schizophrenia.

He said that he also wondered about schizophrenia in the old records because I did not seem that way to him. But, he said, AP's do mood stabilizing work working in unison with Lithium. But if I am taking the Granddaddy () of all MS's, and have been off Geodon for three weeks and doing fine, he is willing to go on like this, even though he is hesitant as with all med changes. But he is glad that I do not want off all meds and thinks that no Axis I on the report is due to being on right medications. I said that sure, the psychologist had interpreted the results this way as well and I am fine with this, I just want to be off AP's.

He then talked to me about my current situation and I told him that I sleep for 11 hours. So, clearly not manic. I complained about the job (this deserves a separate post) but said that I am trying to convince myself to put in effort necessary to be converted and then, once a full-time employee, get transferred to a more interesting department within the same large company. He said that this outlook means that I am able to recognize that I would not be in this current situation forever but see a more optimistic future for myself. So, not depressed. Not manic and not depressed: good enough.

I'm so glad you had such a productive and good pdoc appointment.

Thank you. And now I do not care whether the county extends my subsidized mental health care. I can always pay for Lithium/Elavil/Prozac out of pocket: they are old/cheap.