[manicminer]

For those of you that live with people other than faimly, how well to you get along with your roommates?

Why do you think this is, and do your symptoms interrupt their lives?

[hamster-bamster]

Many years ago, in Austin, TX, I lived in a house with other students. I had a separate room. We had chores. Everything was well scheduled and the chores were well described. No problems at all. But it was very structured which I am sure helped.

[manicminer]

Any suggestions for a 24 year old bp male living with a 29yo male, his 30yo fiance, and her 7yo daughter to better cope with a "family" life that is not in his control?
Having people worry about you and demand things like they are your parents, when they are not?

Sometimes I just feel like the 5th wheel. Other times I feel like I'm a kid in my parents' home again (very degrading). And its hard living with a child, when I would not be ready to have one of my own, as well as disagreeing with much of the parenting style, wanting to correct it, and not being able to. Its just frustrating how the girl acts sometimes and how it is handled.

Any thoughts?

[hamster-bamster]

I just had the experience of staying with my bff and her family. She has two kids, ages 6 and 4. I have two daughters ages 14 and 12. They do not live with me now but they did when they were young. So, exactly the same age difference. I never ever said to the older one that she owed something to the younger one because the younger one was a baby. Bff did it all the time. I never ever made my kids finish their food. Bff does it all the time. Etc etc

So I get you when you talk about disagreeing with the parenting style.

Since I was only a guest for two weeks, I basically kept my mouth shut.

I do not have other suggestions.

Until recently, I didn't know if I could really do the housemate thing. Especially as it's far less common for my age group. There are so many variables for a successful situation! Not to mention concern over "issues". Like trust. I lucked (totally accidentally, really) into a good situation. The recipe for success on this one is: Private space that is separate from main area of house with a private entrance option. Just a couple of other people (both a bit older). No drama. No kids. Mellow. Quiet, but not stiflingly so. It is equally ok to hang out or not hang out. This is a good thing -- cave-time doesn't get anyone bent out of shape (though this has not been thoroughly tested. Been pretty steady, so can't really comment yet on how disruptive symptoms might be that dynamic.), and getting a bit of socialization is convenient and low pressure. I like it very much actually!

You're in kind of a tricky situation (like you don't know that, right? ). Have to admit that I could not deal at all with a kid in the mix. (Haha, and I have one! He's 20 now though.) It adds a whole 'nother dynamic. You actually put it very well, mm, and it might not need quotation marks... "family". It's going to be hard to not feel like a 5th wheel at times. Rare are the people who can truly make someone feel "part of the family". So that one's going to be hard. On the being "like they are your parents"... Is that in specific ways, or is it just a general feeling/atmosphere?

If you are inclined to say.... How did you come about living there? Did you know them before?

The BP part.... do they know? (That is something my housemates don't know. For me it's a lurking fear that waxes and wanes. Things have been steady, but the fear lurks-- not so much of whether they find out or not, but of what form a "disruption" will take.) That's probably enough questions for now. Have a few more thoughts, but they're kind of dependent on the answers to the ones currently posed.

[manicminer]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Until recently, I didn't know if I could really do the housemate thing. Especially as it's far less common for my age group. There are so many variables for a successful situation! Not to mention concern over "issues". Like trust. I lucked (totally accidentally, really) into a good situation. The recipe for success on this one is: Private space that is separate from main area of house with a private entrance option. Just a couple of other people (both a bit older). No drama. No kids. Mellow. Quiet, but not stiflingly so. It is equally ok to hang out or not hang out. This is a good thing -- cave-time doesn't get anyone bent out of shape (though this has not been thoroughly tested. Been pretty steady, so can't really comment yet on how disruptive symptoms might be that dynamic.), and getting a bit of socialization is convenient and low pressure. I like it very much actually!

You're in kind of a tricky situation (like you don't know that, right? ). Have to admit that I could not deal at all with a kid in the mix. (Haha, and I have one! He's 20 now though.) It adds a whole 'nother dynamic. You actually put it very well, mm, and it might not need quotation marks... "family". It's going to be hard to not feel like a 5th wheel at times. Rare are the people who can truly make someone feel "part of the family". So that one's going to be hard. On the being "like they are your parents"... Is that in specific ways, or is it just a general feeling/atmosphere?

If you are inclined to say.... How did you come about living there? Did you know them before?

The BP part.... do they know? (That is something my housemates don't know. For me it's a lurking fear that waxes and wanes. Things have been steady, but the fear lurks-- not so much of whether they find out or not, but of what form a "disruption" will take.) That's probably enough questions for now. Have a few more thoughts, but they're kind of dependent on the answers to the ones currently posed.

Prime example: I went off for a few days with a female companion and did not check in. Because my housemate didnt know where I was, he called my work, my bar, my friends, and was nearing calling the police, and was extremely angry with me when I returned. Now that his fiance and child live with us, the two of them together worry when I do not come home from work on time, or double at work or go to my gf's place for the night without informing them beforehand, and they make it known to me that they want to know where I am.

I knew my now housemate through our fraternity in college, although we didnt live there at the same time. He started a new job at a warehouse that needed a driver and got ahold of me to let me know. I took the job and moved in with/ began working with him and have lived there ever since October 2010. The gf and child moved in Fall 2011. We met her while selling sausage at the local farmer's market. There was another roommate that came home from Afghanistan in Summer 2011, but has since moved out.

My housemates do know of my bp dx, but he has always been dismissive of it, and wasnt extremely dismissive of my need for medication. Although I was to blame for using the disorder and the side effects of the meds as excuses for my poor behavior (made him furious with me and doubt my dx even more) I received no kind of support from him. He was very happy to hear I wasn't taking my, in his words, "zombie pills" anymore.

The ex-husband/father of the child was an issue in the beginning, as she had a PFA against him but he still had partial custody. The man was an obviously mentally ill abusive alcholic and threatened her life on more that one occaision while she was living with us. Its a bit un-nerving for me to get a phone call from my roommate that the child went home and told daddy what a good time she had at our house over the weekend, he was not happy about it, and to strategically place loaded firearms throughout the house in case he came in an attempt to harm any of us. He has since been incarcerated for other violations and is out of the picture for now.

To add fuel to the fire, she does not have a full time job (makes income through selling her baked goods), and he has not worked since the end of July when he was fire from his job as a warehouse worker at another mine. So money was very tight. He cashed in his 401k at 28 and has since used up all of that money.

Luckily through a series of events, we had a need for a temp dayshift warehouse worker here at the mine. When my boss proposed this idea, I told him I had the man for the job and he would not have to just sift through the pool of potential workers at the temp agency (has backfired on him in the past.) So this week he got approval to hire a temp and my roommate started work out here today. Its not guarunteed to be permanent, but at least he'll be back into money for a little while.

[BlueInanna]

Sounds like u all get along for the most part. Awesome u got him work. Thing with parenting, not much you can do except make private conversation with the grown ups about ur concerns or advice. Regarding leaving and staying out, I think it's a good courtesy for housemates to let each other know where they are. You're like a pack of wolves they care about u and want to know ur ok. Bp or not , I think that's how housemates should be.

[cocoabeans]

I dont tend to get into fights but, cant stand living with others. Husband is good but others are not privy to my moods. I find shared housing uncomfortable. I don't find that people react well to weeks spent hidden in my room or knocks on the door at 3 am when I'm hyper either... The whole crazy room mate dilema? I did that in college. Now I'm much more reclusive.

Wow. (Had to look up PFA. That's some kind of messed up! "A bit un-nerving"?! I'll say!) I was curious if they knew about the BP, wondering if such knowledge might be connected with the "parental" thing. (As in taking an over-zealous caretaker role.) Doesn't sound like that's the case here at all. (It's great insight you have, btw -- seeing how it made him doubt your dx more by using the meds/side effects/BP as excuses for poor behavior. That's a biggie to recognize. Sorry to hear he's not been supportive. )

It's great that you have gotten each other some work! (That's how I found out about this place -- it's the person who replaced me when I left my job. Only worked with her for a few days, but it was a positive impression.)

"Fuel to the fire". Yeah, tight money and lack of work can put people on edge. And maybe provide too much time for getting worked up, which no doubt exacerbated things. At the core of it though, I'm with BlueInnanna. It's just good form to keep 'em posted. Not every minute of every day, lol, just a check in. Like texting "Going to be away a couple of days with GF." "Double shift tonight.". (Doesn't have to be like FB where people are apparently compelled to report every time they change their shoes. ) You know how it is, people worry, tend to imagine the worst, which goes 'round and 'round working them into a froth. Not knowing can really gnaw. The good news is that they care.
They'll just care more calmly if you let them know.
(No one could get hold of my BF for a few days awhile ago, and I was freaking. And I most definitely ain't his mother! (Or father!) Hahaha!)

You originally posed a question asking whether symptoms have interrupted/interfered in the dynamic. Do you feel like yours have? Mine haven't, but it's only been a short time. Kind of nervous about the prospect. Thought especially about it early on as moving in came only weeks after my worst month ever. But I've been struck with a real contentedness here and been really stable, so.... hopefully that will last. It's always a fear though. History hasn't been pretty that way and I dread people (especially those that haven't before!) seeing me like that -- Well, mixed or highly agitated anyway. I don't want to give them second thoughts or be seen differently, negatively, you know? That's the main thing. But you've been there for a couple of years. How has that part been? (Only if you want to say, of course.)

[manicminer]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

You originally posed a question asking whether symptoms have interrupted/interfered in the dynamic. Do you feel like yours have? Mine haven't, but it's only been a short time. Kind of nervous about the prospect. Thought especially about it early on as moving in came only weeks after my worst month ever. But I've been struck with a real contentedness here and been really stable, so.... hopefully that will last. It's always a fear though. History hasn't been pretty that way and I dread people (especially those that haven't before!) seeing me like that -- Well, mixed or highly agitated anyway. I don't want to give them second thoughts or be seen differently, negatively, you know? That's the main thing. But you've been there for a couple of years. How has that part been? (Only if you want to say, of course.)

Its been a roller coaster really. I did very well when I first moved in. But last October I was working 4 on, 4 off to the tune of 70-80 hours in four days, sleeping little and either living at the bar or travelling to my old college town to party it up with my active fraternity brothers on my 4 days off. Heavy into the booze, with no sleep, money troubles and a lot of back pain, I was at nearly the same level of unstability that I was before I was hospitalized. This led to troubles at home (leaving messes, appliances on, doors open all night, disappearing for days, not helping with anything bc drunk all the time. When questioned, a blamed it on the disorder or the medication and because he did not believe in my dx or taking of meds, he got absolutely furious with me and threatened to kick me out if my behavior did not improve. Well I got the message from both him and my new p-doc that made it clear he did not approve of the way I was managing the disorder, and my behavior did improve. We have been doing very well lately, especially through hunting season when we got to spend a lot more quality time together.

And I have been checking in lately, because the calls of we were just wondering where you were and the constant reminder that they're worried about me annoys the crap out of me. Not sure why, just hate people wasting their time worrying about what I'm doing. I know they mean well though...

Originally Posted by manicminer

...And I have been checking in lately, because the calls of we were just wondering where you were and the constant reminder that they're worried about me annoys the crap out of me. Not sure why, just hate people wasting their time worrying about what I'm doing. I know they mean well though...

Pre-emptive strike! There ya go! Lol.

Glad all of it is going better now. That was some chaos for sure.

[hamster-bamster]

I am watching this thread with great interest because I might eventually have to sublet my small second bedroom to raise money for making support payments. The person would use the hallway bathroom. I am glad to see that many bipolar people can handle housemates with success.

But I, if I do it, will insist on the least disruptive profile - a single professional working at one of the nearby tech companies, and preferably an immigrant from Asia.

Glad I've not been profiled for this. I am very ill-defined by generalized assumptions based on my demographics.

In answer to the thread title, yes. But why? Really got thinking about it and had some thoughts on why some shared housing works and some doesn't. It's rather long (careful what you ask, mm, 'cause I just might answer in epic form ), but probably worth reading if shared housing is something anyone's considering. In assessing why this is working so well (unexpectedly -- remember, I didn't think shared housing was for me), I think if people really thought about their particular needs, expectations and personal quirks in the following matters, it would greatly increase the odds for finding a good match. Chime in if you think of other things.

Structure : H-B, your saying you found your college situation good because it was well-structured made me think about that aspect. Mine is very unstructured and I like it that way. It only works though because everyone here is mature and does what needs doing without being asked or told to do so. Many situations are not that way. I wouldn't like a highly structured environment for 3 reasons.
1) I cannot stand being told what to do and when to do it. It's not that I don't want to do the thing, not at all. Even as a teenager my thinking was, "I will do this chore gladly -- and thoroughly--of my own volition. Telling me to do it takes all the fun and giving out of it. It becomes just an obligation." Being keenly observant made "being told" rather insulting as well.
2) To have such a structured arrangement would suggest that it was needed. Which very likely would mean the other people were not of my nature. So that wouldn't be great as I hate having to point out the obvious. Or play the heavy. Which I don't, and instead end up doing it all myself, which over the years many have been more than happy to count on me doing. It's a recipe for resentment. Especially if the arrangement encourages the attitude of "It's someone else's turn so it's ok to leave a big mess since I'm not the one who has to deal with it".
3) Sometimes I just plain can't manage doing things. I more than make up for it when I can though(!) That work style doesn't jibe well with regimentation.

Boundaries: Respecting others' space. That's a huge one. I don't invade others' space and I sure as hell don't want them intruding on mine! That refers to both physical space and personal boundaries. Also, is food separate? Shared partially or in full? Swiped?

Trust: Definitely related to above and necessary, as not having it really stresses me out. Even if I do trust, my space must be lockable. Are others cognizant of safety? Locking outside doors? It's bad enough for me as a checker. Wondering if someone has gone behind me and is careless is crazy-making.

Degree of personal space: I need my very own very separate burrow. Others prefer more interaction and closer proximity. Shared space is fine and an integral part of shared housing. Just how much separation is wanted will vary from person to person.

How much and what kind of social life the place has as an entity: Quiet? Party house? Big, medium or small gatherings? Is anyone majorly gregarious with people coming and going all the time, or only a few visitors that you are introduced to? Do you particularly like or loathe the others' tastes in music? If I like it, loud is fine. If I hate it, I'll be crawling out of my skin (and might get ugly about it).

Are there kids, pets or regular visitors? Do you like 'em? Trust 'em?

Level of cleanliness and/or organization: This is one that I am surprisingly flexible on, especially considering that I'm kind of a neat freak. BUT. I realize that this is my issue and do not hold others to it. My space is tidy, but it's ok with me if shared areas less so, and I don't give a hoot what people do with their own space. AS LONG AS we're not talking bugs. Rather serious phobia there, and I can't set it aside. So much so that it is the #1 consideration in housing for me.

How are bills handled?: Included? Shared? If so, what do they run?

Do you care what hours others keep? Do they mind the ones you keep?

Some other things that others might find apply... As much as there are things about living alone that would be appealing, I know that I'd be a much bigger danger to myself in such a situation. (Psych agrees and thinks this is a good way to go.) Feeling greater security especially when on edge, and knowing that if I have a medical emergency, someone will probably be there to help. Also, the considerably lower rent allows me to live in a neighborhood that I really like, but otherwise couldn't really afford. That's worth a lot sometimes, especially in terms of getting out and about in fighting depression. Liking it makes going more likely.

(Sorry such a grammatical and POV hodgepodge...)