need jokes!

tell me a fart joke, and laugh dang it!!

when your awaken by the smell of what appears to be someones new perm..then you realize it was the hair on your partners *****..its a bad night!!!

Okay, so I'm a groaner queen.

Where do cavemen keep their weapons?









In the club house!

LOL, GOOD ONE !! thanx Dark X

.Why did the cactus cross the road????


it was stuck to the chicken!!!!


hello its Ms. Hyde!!!

Okay so a man walks into a diner and he has an emu with him. They sit down together at a booth and the waitress comes up to get their order. He orders a burger, fries, and a coke and the emu orders the same. After they eat the check comes out to $16.53 and he pays with exact change plus exact tip of 20% and they leave.

Next day the same man and emu come back in. Once more they order the same thing. And after they pay in exact change again.

The next day is Friday so they come in and sit down but this time the man order a steak, medium well, and a baked potato and a salad with ranch dressing and the emu orders the exact same thing. At the end the bill comes out to $33.87 and once more the man pays in exact change plus exactly 20% tip. So this time the waitress can't help it.

"I have to ask you about your emu and why you always have exact change," she asks.

The man takes a deep breath and says, "A few years ago my grandfather passed away. I was cleaning out his house and I found this old lamp, and when I was dusting it out a genie comes out and says I get two wishes. So, I decide my first wish is that I want to have enough money for anything I could want or need for the rest of my life. A million dollars can go quick, but enough money for anything I might possibly want or need for the rest of my life means I'm never without the cash I need. Whether it's a stick of gum or a trip to the emergency room, I've got it covered,"

Impressed the waitress says, "Wow, that's an amazingly well thought out wish! But what about the emu?"

The man's face grows dark and he says, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs to always be by my side and agree with everything I say."

Dark, Baby GIRL, i LOVED IT !! thanks!!

my ex Gutairist had a dog with mange and asked us what to do, we told him to put burnt motor oil on the poor dog..
few days later we go to his house for rehersals and didnt have to ask as we stared at the burnt stove, wall behind it, and the pot..lol...these are true stories!!

what goes ha ha plop..... a man laughing his head off!

corny or not, just laugh, keep them rolling.like the dead mans head..hey, I had those ideas many times too! just see some in my head,plop plop...

3 ladies are having lunch, the brunette says, 'my people are so amazing, we were the 1st to go to the moon'. The red head, not wanting to be outdone says, 'my people are brave we're the 1st to probe mars'. The blonde says, 'that's nothing, my people are awesome and will be the 1st on the sun!' The other 2 laugh and tell her that's impossible, they'd get incinerated, the blond replies 'duh, we'll go at night!'

3 friends die in a car accident. St Peter greets them at the pearly gates and explains that the transport they get to roam heaven depends on how faithful they were to their wives. John gets a Ferrari bcoz he was married for 25yrs and never strayed, Paul was married for 20 and gets a Mercedes as he only had 5 affairs, Peter gets a moped bcoz he was married or 15 yrs and had 10 affairs... A while later the 3 men are cruising the streets of heaven, and who should they see, but John's wife on a skateboard!!!

Ok.. so adult only.... :/



What's the worst thing a lady can hear while blowing Willie Nelson?




"I'm not Willie Nelson."

... :/

awesome joke Lia!

So a politician dies and is met by St. Peter at the gates of heaven. After looking over his life, St. Peter says, "Well you led both a good and a bad life so you get to choose heaven or hell." And the politician says, "That's an easy choice," and St. Peter says, "Maybe, but you need to see both before you decide."

So first St. Peter takes him down to Hell. Satan meets them and takes them on a tour in a golf cart. Hell is beautiful. Large green golf courses as far as the eye can see. Beautiful club houses, and staff members to meet your every desire. The politician says, "Wow! I had no idea Hell was so nice!"

After the tour St. Peter brought the politician back to heaven. It was lovley; plus clouds to relax on, no cares or worries and a peaceful place to meditate. After the tour the politician says, "Well, heaven is nice and all, but I think Hell is more my style, so I'd like to go there."

St. Peter says, "Are you sure? You can't change your mind after." And the politician says "yes, I'm sure." So, POOF! He is back in Hell. But this time everything is dead, adn fire and brimstone are everywhere and the people are crawling on teh ground suffering.

The politician looks at the devil and says, "What happened?" And the devil shruggs and says, "Oh, you were here when I was campaigning."

So a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead get stranded on a deserted island and find a magic genie in a lamp. Genie says you may each have 1 wish. Brunette says, "I wish I was back home with my family", so poof she's back home. The redhead says, "I wish I was at home with my dog", so poof she's back home. And the blonde, she looks around all alone and says, "I wish I had my friends back!".

So a blond a brunette and a redhead are all pregnant waiting to see the OB. The brunette sayd "I bet I'm having a girl because we did it missionary style." and the redhead says, "I'm probably having a boy because I was on top." The blond then breaks down crying and the other two try to comfort her. Finally she sobs, "Oh no! I'm having puppies!"

What did the fish say when it hit a brick wall..
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dam

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it died.

Why did the second fall out of the tree?

He was tied to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?


Peer pressure!

english, irish and american have been drinking all day, now standing on top of the empire state building
American says 'bet i can jump off here, loop the loop and land safely bach here
English man says bet you cant
sure enough the american jumps off does loop the loop and lands safely back
irishman says cor thats fantastic, think i will do that
he jumps off and plummets to his death
Englishman says...for heavens sake superman you can be a real bxxxd when you've been drinking!

what do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? ....a wooly jumper!

why do centipedes always have bare feet....... would you like to wash all those socks!

what goes clip clop clip clunk..... a horse with a wooden leg

knock knock
whose there
boo
boo who
don't cry it's only me!

A fly was flying over a river.

A trout swimming in the river noticed the fly. He thought, "If only the fly would drop 6 inches, I could jump and catch him."

A bear, wading in the river, noticed the trout. He thought, "If only the fly would drop 6 inches. Then the trout would jump to eat him and I could eat the trout."

A mouse on the bank noticed the bear trying to fish. He thought, "If only the fly would drop 6 inches, then the trout would jump for the fly, the bear would catch the trout, and I would get to pick through his leftovers."

A cat was watching the mouse in hunger. He thought, "If only the fly would drop 6 inches, then the trout would catch the fly, the bear would catch the trout, and when the mouse went to eat the scraps, I could pounce and eat the mouse.

Well, the fly dropped 6 inches, the trout jumped to catch the fly and the bear caught the trout in his jaws. He took the trout to the bank to eat and when he was finished, the mouse moved in to clean up the scraps.

At that moment, the cat sprung from the grass to pounce on the mouse. But the cat missed and landed in the river to be swept away by the current.

The moral of the story?
-When the fly drops 6 inches, the *****'s gonna get wet.

A lady walks into a store and says to the shopkeeper: “Excuse me sir, I’d like to buy that TV over there”
The Shopkeeper looks in the direction she’s pointing, and replies “Sorry, I don’t sell my stuff to blondes”
The lady leaves the store dyes her hair brown and returns to the store the next day.
Once again, she say “excuse me sir, I’d like to buy that TV over there”
The Shopkeeper looks in the direction she’s pointing and replies “sorry, I don’t sell my stuff to blondes”
Perplexed she leaves the store, goes home, dyes her hair black and returns to the following day…
“excuse me sir, I’d really, really like to buy that TV over there”….
Without looking, the shopkeeper absent-mindedly replies “I don’t sell my stuff to blondes”…
Dejected she goes home, dyes her hair a fiery red and returns to the store:
“Sir, I really, really, REALLY want to buy that TV over there!!!!”
The shopkeeper calmly replies “sorry, I don’t sell my stuff to blondes”
Fuming, the lady says: “How do you even know I’m blond? I came in here with brown hair, black hair and now red hair and you STILL won’t sell me that TV!!!???”
The shopkeeper responds: “because that, over there my dear, is a microwave….”

A Scotsman, an American and a Mexican are sitting on the scaffolding on the 8th floor during their lunch break…
The Scotsman say: “If I have haggis for lunch again tomorrow I swear I’m jumping from this building!”
The Mexican says; “If I have another burrito for lunch I’m jumping from this building too!”
The American guy says, “if I have another burger for lunch, I’m jumping too!”

The next Saturday, their widows are crying at the viewing…
Scottish widow: “If only I knew how he hated haggis…”
Mexican widow: “I had no idea he was so fed up with burritos….”
The 2 of them look at the American widow…
American widow: “what you looking at me for? He packed his own damn lunch”

why did tom cross the road....
his... you know what... was stuck in a chicken haha