well?...forget the riddles it's either it is or it isn't?

I have the luxury and the doom of equal capacity to do all this by myself.
I miss people I cry for strangers I hate everyone sometimes I need comfort and I also need to die very much.

...with tremendous inconvenience.....I believe that everyone is out to punish me but luckily subject me to less pain and shame than I can...
apply to myself!

and thats the shame of it all!...everything is about me and I'm not so lazily impressed than immediately disappointed.

I fail at human contact my nerves are seriously shot!...any disrupt and I'm freaking history man! I can't keep my emotions together any hint of "my fault" and I'm outa there!

and call it stupid and I won't even arrive it's the dumbest thing to assume people have control!

my intimate arrival in life was so meek and beaten down so suddenly by the emotional overlords and I just want to destroy them!

F__K it!

so easy to go brutal...

but I turn it inside cos I'm not made that way

[Travelinglady]

Another great expression of your mixed feelings, dubblemonkey! By the way, folks do care. Maybe you aren't bothered when people don't respond, but I think sometimes they don't because they are overwhelmed with your ability to express these feelings. I'm glad you have a way to get them out.

[manicminer]

Its good you dont "go brutal", but bottling stuff up can lead to even greater problems. Eventually, you'll crack and who knows what the consequences will be...

[~Christina]

Monkey whats the half way point to me ???? seriously look it up, and I will met ya there

what can someone possibly say to that.

I know that I've been there
I exist there for prolonged periods too

when that desperation comes out in the form of repulsive energy. affecting everythign around you like a depression would, attaching it's own meaning onto everything.....

dude! it hurts but you have to let it be better.

this bad place is predictable and you know what to expect.
but going away from it, and I know it's not by choice, is very hurtful and scary.

it is for me.

it leaves me so vulnerable.

but that is how we get truly strong.

I often feel that I am a repulsive waste and I remember growing up knowing that I was different and that I would never ever fit in. that something was wrong with me an that i was defective from the others and that I should just be dead. it made sense back then and it makes sense today if I let it.

mabyee I am borderline as well.... but to scared to let pdoc go there. who knows, all I know is that I get it.

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

Another great expression of your mixed feelings, dubblemonkey! By the way, folks do care. Maybe you aren't bothered when people don't respond, but I think sometimes they don't because they are overwhelmed with your ability to express these feelings. I'm glad you have a way to get them out.

you're right...I'm not bothered Payne...I woulda' given up ages back if thats what I was after.
thanks for bein' glad for me...

Originally Posted by manicminer

Its good you dont "go brutal", but bottling stuff up can lead to even greater problems. Eventually, you'll crack and who knows what the consequences will be...

I know exactly what the consequences are...mm

Originally Posted by morethingswrong

Monkey whats the half way point to me ???? seriously look it up, and I will met ya there

sounds great Christina....am on my way

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

what can someone possibly say to that.

I know that I've been there
I exist there for prolonged periods too

when that desperation comes out in the form of repulsive energy. affecting everythign around you like a depression would, attaching it's own meaning onto everything.....

dude! it hurts but you have to let it be better.

this bad place is predictable and you know what to expect.
but going away from it, and I know it's not by choice, is very hurtful and scary.

it is for me.

it leaves me so vulnerable.

but that is how we get truly strong.

I often feel that I am a repulsive waste and I remember growing up knowing that I was different and that I would never ever fit in. that something was wrong with me an that i was defective from the others and that I should just be dead. it made sense back then and it makes sense today if I let it.

mabyee I am borderline as well.... but to scared to let pdoc go there. who knows, all I know is that I get it.

I know you get it Dan...you 'get' massive ammounts of stuff!
I believe you and I came from the same distant world

[roads]

riddles delay us (I think) when
we don't want to go
where we know we're headed ...
give us time to find
another path
to find
a change of course ...

and when you are a James-person who,
in his essence, never wants to
"go brutal"
you go from astray to
somewhere else to found or
lost and looking

Edward Albee said in a play early when he was very young,
"Sometimes it is necessary to go a great distance out of your way
in order to come back a short distance, correctly." (The Zoo Story)

this has always made sense to me, although
I can't explain it
can't explain me neither

love you, James
Roadie

love you too Roadie!..

thats some kinda real sense you made there.

what scares me is that starting?...at a place thats already a huge distance past the reasonable...and then going further out even!

...how does anyone ever get back?

sad paces in bad places

the steps that pain take are many times more bigger steps than the steps of comfort...

but if?..... even a comforting little toe wiggles by accident!....exactly when this misery is a-foot!

yes it can take it all back ...all the damn pain...and such is the mystery of love solved

it's freaking effortless!

ever wonder what life would be like.....
if we were just free to be ourselves....
like, around people and such. let ourselves relax with no consequences? and have that be ok?