[Bipolar mom]

A little back story... My husband moved in with my family 3and a half years ago when his father remarried and moved. he was working part time after just graduating college. I got pregnant soon after. We stayed with my parents to save money for a down payment on a house.

My hubby and I have been toying with the idea of moving 3 hours away where it is more affordable to live, at first my mother was supportive because she wants us out, but now idk.

We had a talk the other day that of course started with "your father and I marvel at how far you've come, we never thought you would be able to do all the things you have done in your life..." But then goes on to say that she thinks we should stay close because who will take care of me. Who will be there when I have a breakdown. She thinks my husband will never understand my needs. Basically like she's afraid I'll kill myself of something. She is right, my husband doesn't understand fully, but I know we can work on that. It's like she needs to be needed, but she has been so hot and cold with me my whole life and our relationship has been rocky for many years.

Well today I talked to my manager about transferring to a store upstate. She was supportive and said we will talk to her boss soon about it. So it may actually happen.

When I mentioned to my mom I talked to my boss, she sighed really loud.. She roller her eyes and was like well I guess you made your decision then and walked away. I don't think she understands that H and I will be struggling pay check to paycheck living in a sh***y apartment struggling to make our bills if we stay here...

Thinking about what she has said I feel pulled in two directions. One is that I think she is right I'm always working, worrying about hubby and my son and pushing away my demons and my moods not taking the best care of myself, I'm due for a complete mental breakdown... Maybe she is right.... How will I take care of a house and my family if this happens.

The other part of me thinking a maybe I just need to get away, start my life with my family... A clean slate so to speak.

I suppose I should add I have suffered from separation anxiety from my parents since a little girl and my mother is the root of my abandonment issues. I am excited about our choice to move until I think of my parents and how I won't see them every day.... Then I panic.

Insight please? Can I make it on my own?

[hamster-bamster]

I have many girlfriends who rely on support from parents. Childcare, emotional support, family ties, what have you. I envy them, because I have never had this kind of support. I needed to be very far from my parents to live on my own.

But what I see is that those who really benefit from this kind of support are those who have solid r/s with parents without issues. No abandonment, no rocky r/s, no nothing. Those are really happy. For them, the support does not come with a price. Everything is fluid and easy.

Those who have a rocky, conflicted r/s with the parents (in the case of my specific girlfriends, mothers, for better or worse), the support comes with a huge price.

One eventually settled on her own in another country, with husband and daughter, but she is very, very mentally well. As well as they come, really.

Another is struggling but hopeful that eventually she would be on her own. She is mentally well, but divorced and in on occupation that requires frequent absences for many days, so she needs the child to stay with the grandparents for now. But she has hopes that one day she and her daughter would live completely on their own. This is due to long-standing conflict between my girlfriend and her mother.

Being mentally ill amplifies the difficulties. There are many PROs and CONs that you have to consider very carefully. How old is your son? Will you need childcare and if so, who will provide it? Who will be your p-doc and T upstate? What about the support network upstate - would you be able to find friends etc? It is cheaper upstate - what would you do with the extra money? Have you ever lived alone?

[Bipolar mom]

Hamster~thank you for your response, what you said makes a lot of sense.

I have never lived alone, never been away from home for more than a week.. I went to community college, and have only taken one vacation without my parents.

My son is 2, we would rely on full time daycare.. I work ALOT, and barely see him as it is, so it wouldn't be much different . But we would live close by to my mother in law in case of emergencies(like the baby getting sick or something). I have not been to a t in years, but I think going upstate I would begin again, like I said as a new slate, plus I'm sure I would need some support.

I also need to take my son into consideration. I hate to take him so far away from our family, he adores my parents and siblings and sees them almost ever day. But I feel like we can't give him a good life here. We would never be able to afford to live in the good school districts round here and this island is so congested and crime in my area has been through the roof.

[Victoria'smom]

The best thing is to find a large support system in the community you'll live in before moving. Look for a on-call babysitter (teens are good for this) for when your ill. You can move but it takes planning.

[OutlawedSpirit]

I don't know if this is the best advise, but it's what me and my gf did. We just went for it. We didn't move that far from our parents, but my gf didn't think we could make it on our own.

So far we have been on our own for almost two years, and things have been tight at times, and things have been hard, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. She doesn't really understand how hard things get with my illness sometimes, but she is supportive. But really, how many people that aren't going through it really understand it?

You can help him understand better if you try to describe things in terms he can relate to. I remember trying to describe a crushing depression to her at one point. She works twelve hour shifts, so one day I asked her how hard it would be if I told her she had to sprint 5 miles after she got off work. She looked at me like I was nuts. I told her that sometimes that is how it feels when I'm asked to just get out of bed.

I think you can do it if it's what you really want to do, but is what your mother is saying causing you to doubt because of what she is saying, or because there is already doubt in you? If the doubt is really already in your head, and what your mother is saying is just giving you a reason to voice your own doubts, then I would definitely hold off.

"Mother doesn't think I'll be able to manage it on my own"

How's that for creating guilt and fear?

Of course you can manage on your own with your husband and child. It will be
different, certainly, but much better for you in the long run to be independent
and working on life's opportunities and gifts.

At your son's young age, he will develop new friendships very easily and soon be happily on his way to a healthy childhood with good neighbors and many friends.

It's such a healthy and positive thing to strike out on your own in life. It makes you grow inwardly so well and strengthens you to manage the difficulties that do occur in life for all of us.

There will always be medical help in case you need it and therapy if you ever have a cause for it.

It's a very wise thing you are considering doing and a natural process in growing to full maturity.

I hope you just love it.

[Bipolar mom]

Originally Posted by genetic

"Mother doesn't think I'll be able to manage it on my own"

How's that for creating guilt and fear?

Of course you can manage on your own with your husband and child. It will be
different, certainly, but much better for you in the long run to be independent
and working on life's opportunities and gifts.

At your son's young age, he will develop new friendships very easily and soon be happily on his way to a healthy childhood with good neighbors and many friends.

It's such a healthy and positive thing to strike out on your own in life. It makes you grow inwardly so well and strengthens you to manage the difficulties that do occur in life for all of us.

There will always be medical help in case you need it and therapy if you ever have a cause for it.

It's a very wise thing you are considering doing and a natural process in growing to full maturity.

I hope you just love it.

Thank you so much for your responses. Genetic... You are right, it will be a positive thing to go out on our own. I am hoping things work out for us, because it would be a vey good step in our lives.