[Lauru]

I don't know what to do anymore. I started working on abuse issues with my T and I am feeling horrible. I am spiraling down into a depression. My T is also my pdoc, and he knows this. He is increasing one of my meds. I don't know if the depression is what I am talking about or just my cycle. It has been a while since I had a depression, so it's about time for me according to my cycle.

Now I am sleeping 16-18 hours a day, not leaving the house much, cutting, and thinking about suicide. I really want to drink, but I can't. I'm an alcoholic. Drinking always leads to an attempt. I am struggling to hang on. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if any of this is even worth it. I'm sorry guys. Sorry for being so pathetic.

[Victoria'smom]

Your not pathetic! I'm glad your T/pdoc know. Try to stay away from drinking it'll make the depression worse. Do you think you should stop the abuse work until your more stable? How often are you seeing T/pdoc?

[sugahorse1]

Can you let a friend/relative know and maybe get someone to stay with you and keep you company as well as check that you are ok?
Thinking of you

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Your not pathetic! I'm glad your T/pdoc know. Try to stay away from drinking it'll make the depression worse. Do you think you should stop the abuse work until your more stable? How often are you seeing T/pdoc?

I see T/pdoc weekly. I don't always work on the abuse, and when I do, it is very limited during the session so that I don't become overwhelmed. I have been working since September and it hasn't triggered me. I think it is just the depression cycle coming around. idk. I'm tired of this, whatever it is. So tired.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by sugahorse1

Can you let a friend/relative know and maybe get someone to stay with you and keep you company as well as check that you are ok?
Thinking of you

Thanks. I have family that lives next door, but they don't know. I live alone. I can't tell my family it would overwhelm them and they are already overwhelmed with their own stuff. i am alone

[BlackPup]

therapy can be really triggering. I think it's a good idea to stop for a while if you can. But only if that would help u not think about it. If its really on your mind it may be better to push through. You are not pathetic. But it's normal to feel like it when you are depressed - don't believe the lies your depression tells you.
Hope the med change helps and you get some relief soon. Keep posting to let us know how you are going.

[Doxie mom]

I agree with black pup maybe right now you need to back off of working on the abuse issue. Your mind might be saying it is to much right now. You are far for pathetic I think the bravest people are the ones who reach out for help and face their issues.

well someone has to tell you. I hope that you are using clean blades and taking care of the cuts so you do not become infected. Even with cutting, there is a certain amount of responsibility to it. i know, believe me I am a cutter too. not currently cutting though. i won't tell you to stop, but have you considered that it in and of itself is a trigger? the after effects just feeds into the depression and self hate if there is any. maybe something else to take it's place that has lesser of the lingering effects?

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

well someone has to tell you. I hope that you are using clean blades and taking care of the cuts so you do not become infected. Even with cutting, there is a certain amount of responsibility to it. i know, believe me I am a cutter too. not currently cutting though. i won't tell you to stop, but have you considered that it in and of itself is a trigger? the after effects just feeds into the depression and self hate if there is any. maybe something else to take it's place that has lesser of the lingering effects?

I agree with you. My problem is getting myself to stop cutting now that I have started. It is a horrible loop as you said. Depressed so I cut, then I cut and get more depressed, so then the urge to cut gets greater. I see my T/pdoc on Thursday and I am going to talk to him and let him know what is going on. I'm scared, just so damn scared. By the way, I do take care of my cuts, which are shallow and I don't get infected, so no worries there. Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

[Lauru]

Thank you to all who have responded. If you pray, please pray for me as I am very scared. Otherwise, if you would just send some positive thoughts my way. Thanks all.

[BlackPup]

thinking of you
Will include you in my prayers...