This time, it looks like son is going to move out

It's Monday? How did that happen so fast?

It's 8:50 a.m.

If I still had a job, I would be 50 minutes late now. But, since I got fired AGAIN the day after Thanksgiving due to this bipolar nonsense in my life, I will not be late today.

I fell asleep last night thinking, "Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up early as if I have to be at a job on time. I am my own employer. I must respect that fact. I will get up, throw my clothes on, and take my computer to the room that is supposed to be my office. That way, I won't be tempted by the TV in the other room. I will get things done today."

This morning I woke up with a foggy headache. Probably due to taking Ambien last night, even though I cut it in half as my pdoc suggested after Ambien was in the news recently as often being prescribed as too many miligrams.

I figured I deserved to lie down for a few more minutes and let the headache medicine kick in.

Turned the light on in my bedroom (which I rarely do) because it's kind of dark and rainy outside. Dark and rainy isn't good. That always drags me right down.

Now I'm unable to lie down for a few minutes because I'm Googling the apartment complex my son now wants to move to.

After several aborted attempts to move out since right before Christmas, he thinks they have finally found a place that will work. It doesn't look like a very nice place. It's in an OK area. Kind of tucked away on a side street. It's only 3 miles from me.

But as I'm looking at the photos of the apartment's interior on their website, and how it hasn't been updated for many years (old appliances, old carpet, dreary paint), I'm thinking, "He'd rather live in THAT than at home with me?"

So now I'm back to feeling sorry for myself about the possibility of him moving out very soon. I'm not in as bad a shape as I was when he first told me he was ready to move out. I was crying constantly then.

I keep telling myself, "Well, you rarely see him NOW and he lives here. Why would it be that much different?"

I'll be alone with the pets.

I just pray my elderly dog doesn't die on me. That would be the final blow in this whole mess.

So what does a soon-to-be-empty-nester do?

Many empty-nesters have a partner to go through this with. Not me. It's been me and the kid on our own his entire life.

Maybe I should use this experience and my pain to help others. Do some research. Write a book. Get it out there and sell it online. Land on the Today show with Kathie Lee and Hoda. Drink some wine with those chicks.

Maybe I should force myself to become more structured, since my therapist told me bipolar people NEED structure. Back before we ended our sessions (because I no longer have insurance), she said she was worried about me working from home because I would lack structure.

So I need to put structure back into my life.

I should schedule a time to wake up, no matter what (and stop hitting snooze repeatedly).

I should schedule blocks of time to work on specific projects. If I don't, these projects won't get done. I won't finish writing projects and then I won't make the money that these projects should bring in.

I should schedule more lunches and coffees with friends in person..

I should schedule more phone calls with friends who are far away, but have similar businses interests.

I'm no good at friendships, though, so those last two items might be difficult.

I should schedule time to get out of this dreary, dirty house and go to the gym that I joined that's about 3 minutes away.

I should schedule blocks of time to declutter this house.

I'm full of what I should do, but when I look around it's just too much so I either go back to bed, or I grab my computer and go sit at a coffee shop.

I'm just babbling. Feel free to ignore me. I'm not thinking of doing anything dangerous to myself. I'm just wondering how I'm going to get through life when I frequently go 1 or 2 weeks without seeing or touching any humans besides my son. And I usually have to beg for a tiny hug.

This is where you need to re-arrange your thinking, Purple.

I remember this from when I desperately, desperately needed to get out on my own to learn how to survive on my own. I was 20. Instead of getting out and learning to stand on my legs, I jumped from my dad to my ex husband, who basically became like my dad. And, he never let me know how much money we had, what the bills were, if we had a budget, none of that. So I didn't learn to stand on my own legs until I was 27 years old! Already with 2 kids! And living in intense poverty.

I know that if I'd gotten out, with a supportive dad back home, (instead of the "no! don't leave me! you're going to fail!" dad I had,) then I would have done a better job at that time in my life.

So, it's not that he would rather live there. He just needs to take his steps to becoming a grown man. And that's totally normal. And he's only going 3 miles. And yeah, it's a crummy first apartment. But, it's his acheivement to get that crummy apartment. And someday he'll have a nice apartment, or even his own house maybe. And you'll be super proud of him.

I know it will be lonely without him. But, he's not going far, and you'll always be mom. But now you get the next part of being a mom, which is different in that he doesn't need you like when he was a boy, but still extremely important to him.

I'm 33 years old and I wish I had a supportive parent out there, instead of the big black hole parent, sucking everything out of me.

So, anyway. It's going to be okay. And everything will be fine. And it's only 3 miles away.

You're right, Dark.

I left home to get away from a very controlling mother, and never thought about leaving home and being strong on my own. I thought I had to get married to move out. For some reason, I thought I would be a grown-up if I had a man in charge fo me, instead of being in charge of myself.

Terrible thinking for a girl who had always prided herself on being somewhat of a feminist.

Now I know it's all up to me.

But you're right about all of this being normal. He needs to become a man on his own, and he can't do that with a whining mother.

My mother has always set me up for failure, and I still hear her negative voice in my head. I don't want my son to think of me that way.

But I still feel bad about the things we never got to do together. Trips we didn't take. Mainly because I was never successful enough to make enough money to go do these things.

And I hate the idea of being even more alone than I feel right now.

Someone suggested I start dating, since I have not done so since at least 1997. The idea does not excite me at all. Just trading one set of troubles for another.

You know, Purple, I think we're a lot the same. Because I did exaclty the same as you. I thought I needed to get married to leave, because my dad broke me down to think I couldn't do it on my own. I didn't even go to university out of state like I always dreamed. I gave up before I even tried, didn' even take the SAT. And even now, he's the same negative, "you're going to fail" person in my life.... Yup. I tend to project his attitude onto others, too.

But, just because you're son is moving out and you never had money for things doesn't mean it's too late. Too late is when you're in the ground. Too late is me and my mom, but I still lived her dream even though she wasn't there. She wanted to take me to Italy when I graduated high school. Well, she died before that. But, when I was 18, the summer after high school, I went to Italy. And she was everywhere. I saw all the pictures she had shown me, but for real. And I kep thinking, "Mom was standing right here."

So, not too late.

Just because you're son is grown and out doesn't mean you won't continue to do things. My mom and my aunts and uncle were always taking my grandma places. We took her to South Dakota with us. My aunt took her Hawaii. My uncle took her to Italy. So, don't give up on that.

Just got the news. Their application for the apartment was approved, and they will be moving Saturday.

New chapter in my life, here I come. Ready or not.

Now I need to decide if I need to get all sappy and write him something (and put in a card) that tells him I'm proud of the man he has become and will be. Sort of "You're done. I'm proud. See ya" message. Ha.

I can't say things like that. I've never been able to say how I feel, but I can write it.

Purpledaisy, things are going to be different, but they can be different in a very positive way.

You need to associate yourself, in my view, with a group of people in a small church (of your choice, of course) and get interested in some of the things these people do. It's a growing process and you will learn how to do the things you feel that you just "aren't that kind of person" in trying.

Fear is really the only thing we have to fear in life. Nothing is better for the soul than giving it some positive experience with those who know what positive things can do for us.

Pep talk? Yes, in a way, but it's the real truth, too. Put the negative things in a bag and toss them in the river. Read books that are positive self-help things, like
"Around the Year With Emmet Fox" or "Keep It Simple" or "Forgiving and Moving on".

In my view, you might wish to make your theme for living through the next few months during the adjustment period "Dusting Off and Moving To The Positive Side".

Take care.

What about just "I love you" and ask to go to dinner next week. Make a weekly mother/son night. Text when you wake up a little "have a good day", or "how was your night" My parents and I talk more living apart then we did living together.

Don't take it out on yourself is young folks are always looking to move out for one reason or another and it rarely has to do with our parents. I tried to move out before being crippled by bipolar and want to now but know I'm not ready even though I'm 24. It's all when they are ready.

Purple,

Make a cake/ buy a cake .. have a lil get together, a celebration for him for moving out. Of course its not a real happy thing for you, but for him it is.. Us parents always put on a happy face for our kids.

Keep going to the gym. Make plans with your friends, keep busy. Mentally you can no longer fall back on " my son is here, if not I'd never see a person" It's not true.. You can and do see people, make the effort, force yourself. Sometimes even us Bipolar people need to force ourselves past our comfort zone.

You can do this. I am certain you can do this.. You deserve a happy life and you can have it.

Just have faith in yourself.