Beautiful Sensitive People

I have to be honest. If I don't keep myself in check, I am a manipulative, cruel person. I only think of myself and I know how to get what I want. I am not the person you think I am.

but I am changing that. It does take a lot of effort, but I would rather die trying than to continue on being the person I have become.

this is why i got defensive on the subject.

this is the truth.

There are some things I live by, which help me keep on track with other people, yet stay true to myself.

"An it harm none, do what ye will" is one of them.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is the other.

Am I perfect at this? No. But, I try to follow those rules in my life.

I said it. it's not easy facing oneself. but it's the honest truth.

I do run. I do hide. but how else can i find happiness? fake it till you make it I guess. maybe I am fake. after reading my posts... yeah, i guess the truth is, is that I am fake. See.... not a good person.

I do try soooooo hard at being a good person. but underneath of it I am still a horrible person.

So yes, I am fake. I don't belong on here being my true self. I guess I just realized that, and now everyone else knows it too. I will continue trying though, like I said... I would rather die trying than to continue being that person.

I'm sorry. I am really upset now. I have to go to work adn right now I don't feel like I can.

I have to bow out of this thread.

You don't owe me an apology Dan! I was just talking about how you said you question allowing your self to be volnerable. I am wordy and the way I talk admitidly is not always straight and easy to follow.

I hope you all have a beaitiful day!!! I am off to work, will be cleaning beautiful toilets :/....

I agree Being sensitive is looked down on as weakness it should be honored.

We all got our demons. Nothing is all black or white, or good or bad, especially something as complex as a human being.

Seem to me like part of having this bp thing is getting stuck in false beliefs about ourselves. Maybe because we had to hide our sensitivity, we get lost and confused, don't always know who is the real me? Maybe we don't forgive ourselves for our mistakes? Maybe at the height of our happiness someone told us it was not appropriate? That's an emotional mind bender. So was I really happy or was ill? Was I going along blissfully having my beautiful babies and everyone knew I was crazy? Was that just crazy stupid that I married that guy? Was it still my real experience even though I now have this bp dx? Am I crazy, bad, failure? I spent a lot of time in that loop, still go to it sometimes.

But there's no rational way I or you could be completely bad. And with the help of crying my eyes out to my therapist about it, decided those were still my memories and experiences. And can't change any of it, so here we are now. I'm getting to know myself better, understanding just how sensitive I am. All those experiences brought me here now, to the next level of learning about myself, accepting what is, and trying to identify what and where I can improve when I can. Maybe life is a learning place, and there's always more to learn.

I'm a 24 year old, tough as nails, motorcycle ridin, huntin, shootin, coal minin, farmin, true Red, White and Blue blooded American badass.... And I cry all the time. lol

And the ladies tell me I'm one of the nicest, most sensitive and thoughtful guys they have ever met, but I enjoy an honest kill and feel no remorse in it. Only deep respect for the animal that just gave its life to nourish my body.

You are, who you want to be. Don't say you are cruel, that's a choice, you're now taking the right ones.

Thanks, Blue for this. I think it is a learning place. Every day.

What you mentioned is exactly the type of things I have been going rounds with lately. Is my perception of my whole life is really quite skewed and nothing is what it seemed all along? Was I really not always very bright-was I really not as important as I thought? Was I not as great a catch as I thought I was? Did everyone else around me think I was crazy this whole time??

This is all new for me and I have been trying to make myself not think about it because it is overwhelming and surreal to think about that. I usually just stay in my own little bubble of everyday life and hide from all this crap, try to forget, stay off pc, take the stupid pills. I should probably be dealing with it but I crumble when I do because it means my life is confusing and possibly not real. But letting it out feels better...

I have been this hot mess my whole life I guess. But I think that being sensitive is a gift although it does not always seem like one. Not everyone can express what I can in the ways I can. I am good at feeling (just bad about processing). I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, cried for others, cried for animals, during lifetime commercials, felt bad for my stuffed animals when I didn't sleep with them on my bed. One day I will find balance here as well...

There are worse things I think.

Aww Dan you never upset me at all, Not in the least. I didn't see all your posts cause you type so dang fast, and me sitting here pecking at the very non co-operative keyboard on my phone, not very good at all.

I am not going to agree with you about you being a bad person. Sorry no way.. we all have things we do that we might not like. None of us are perfect and we all make our mistakes. None of us are pure good, nor pure bad. We can do things we feel good about and things we feel bad about all at the same time, a perfect contradiction.

I don't think you are fake here, I only know that you talk about having to hide how you feel all the time from your family, and I cannot help but think that has to be extremely exhausting and really not good for you.

Working on who we want to be, that is good. But one thing we tend to do, and I am sure this is just a human trait... is to think there will be some moment where you arrive, where you are it. But maybe we are always trying, and maybe when we are doing it and we call it trying, maybe we are actually not trying and actually doing it. Like Blue said life is a learning practice and I really believe that too.

I'll give you an example, when I was learning to snowboard I used to get very frustrated with myself, I wasn't learning as fast as I thought I should. And even after years of snowboarding I had a few things I would tell myself " One day I will be snowboarding", and " I will never be snowboarding". When in reality I am snowboarding, yet at the same time I am still trying. I am doing both. I was letting my ideals or standards of what I *think* I should be get in the way of realizing what I am in fact doing.

You could apply this to this situation as well. You are both a good person, and trying to work on being a good person. Why not both? There really is not an arriving or end point. We will always be learning, growing, changing, that is the nature of life itself.

We judge ourselves usually a lot harsher than we do to others. Our standards for ourselves can be pretty high. We kind of need to try to look at ourselves the same way would we see others in our situation sometimes.

Things we do that make us feel bad, usually make us feel bad because it is not who we are. So if you feel bad about doing something, it is not because you are a bad person, it is because your conscious knows it isn't true to you to do it. Like a warning system. But it is not because we are bad people. And we ALL do it, and we do good stuff too at the same time. Yeah it is a bit nuts.

I am sorry you thought I was upset, I don't upset about stuff like this tho Dan, and you didn't do or say anything wrong at all. I just had to take off to work quickly.

Nice to see you tree The bp dx threw me for a loop for a long time, I think I had a grieving process of questioning my whole life... it's like a fire I walked through. But I think I processed it. If I had/have bp, ok fine. But I'm not gonna let go of my past happy magical moments cuz I know they were a real experience for me.

I'm like you with the big heart. I'm gonna remember how I had to tuck in every single stuffed animal every night before I went to bed, I'm gonna remember that little girl and smile cuz she was quirky and sensitive. No one else really needs to understand except me understanding and accepting myself. We do end up with some choice of how to perceive things ya know?

Take all the time you need to process it all, it's your story and your experience. If it's gets overwhelming too much, just take it slow, like with therapy. I think it's best bits at a time, whatever your processing time needed is what's right for you, all of us.

Good at feeling (just bad about processing) ... that's intense! Another view might be that you just have loads to process cuz you're feeling so much. Cuz you're a beautiful sensitive lady!