Can't Calm Down

This is killing me. Literally killing me. I can't take it. I seriously can't take it. I've been in a manic state for almost two weeks now and I feel like I'm dying. It's a slow painful and miserable death and I'm taking everyone down with me. I don't know if I'm crashing or what, but I just feel awful.

This morning I woke with the voice telling me that I should call off of work today. I didn't. Even though I probably should have. Since I work in an office job it's easy enough for me to isolate myself with my headphones and not pay attention to anyone. Which is what I did. But I still couldn't take it. I got severe road road on the way into work this morning and the literal sound of people talking when I GOT to work was really setting me off.

So I decided to tell them I was leaving at noon. Knowing that my husband was home today with our daughter. So I thought maybe I'd just go shopping or something. But I get home (since I had to bring them lunch anyway) and seriously EVERYTHING is setting me off. I'm actively trying to not be angry. I'm actively trying to not blow up and I'm doing it anyway. WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP??

I tried to run away to the bathroom for a minute and my husband follows me with the "what's wrong, why are you angry" like he's freaking hounding me. I just wanted to be alone for a minute. Seriously. I can't take this anymore. I really can't. So I tried to run away to the bedroom and he follows me AGAIN with "just wanted to make sure you're ok".

Really, the logical side of my brain gets it. He's just trying to be helpful. He's just trying his best. And to see the hurt on his face that I myself am causing is literal torture. And I can't stop myself from doing it. Can't it just be over already? I'm so done.

I advise that you find the nearest pillow and scream every obscenity you can think of direclty into it. Then, once that's done, count backwards from 10. Lay on the bed, and take deep, deep breathes and do an "in with the good, out with the bad" focus of your thoughts as best you can. Maybe put a cool wash cloth across your eyes as if you have a headache, and turn the lights off.

Maybe put a sign on the door that says: "I am not well at the moment, please take nothing personally, I need some quiet time to calm myself. I love you." This may stop him from trying to talk. Later when you are calm you can talk to him.

If things are not calming down in an hour or two, call your T or pdoc if you have one.

Nessa, are you treated by anyone? There's no reason for anyone to be on a manic tear for two weeks! You poor thing.
If you have a pdoc, call or go to the office now. You need a mood stabilizer. Do you know how to meditate? Do you do yoga? Do you have a therapist who's taught you any coping skills?

You should never have to suffer like this. Your husband of course is worried--he needs to read Bipolar Disorder for Dummies or some similar book (it's at the library) so he can understand it's not him.

roadie

The health system around me works at the speed of... I don't know... something really really incomprehensibly slow. I hadn't been to a pdoc in over a decade so trying to find a new one was amazingly difficult. I do see a family doctor tomorrow morning, it was the best I could do. The soonest any new pdoc could see me without a referral was mid March. (This is when I was calling around at the beginning of January.) I took the whole day off work tomorrow (probably foolishly and naively) hoping that maybe I could get a referral for the same day if I let them know what's going on.

I've never felt off enough to go to the hospital, although that's always been in the back of my mind as kind of a last ditch effort. I was just hoping that it would pass, really. And it's just not. Today was just a bad day. God, I realize I sound like a child. Man, I'm even setting my own temper off. *shakes head*

And dark heart, I love that sign on the door idea. I will have to do that.

And for clarification, because now I'm obsessing about it and feel like a child, I think it's only been really bad for the last 3 days or so. The first week and half was just amazing. I didn't even feel off, probably more of a hypomania than anything, really. I only knew it was off because I was getting about 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night. Other than that I was feeling pretty awesome. Like I have to tell any of you that.