[Speed3]

I went for my intake yesterday afternoon , to be admitted for an outpatient day program. After going back and forth with the intake person, I decided to do it.

It is only a 10 day program, or two weeks. Going over why I wanted to do it was extremely draining and upsetting. To top it off my husband had to stay late at the hospital for an emergency case. I went to bed at 7:00 pm.

This morning I had every intention to go for my first day, start time 9:30 am.
The problem is ever since Jason died I have a very hard time in the morning with flashbacks of when we found him almost dead and then dead and leaving in a body bag.

They only way I have been able to deal is to take enough seroquel and Ativan to knock me out and I sleep for two hours.

I tried to take less meds so I could go but it didn't work. I had to take the full dose, therefore unable to go.

I don't think this group program could give me enough attention to help with these flashbacks anyway, and then there is the agoraphobia.

I called and quit this afternoon.

I just don't know where to go from here ?

[bos314489]

I am sorry you were not able to go. I wish I had the answer for you. The only thing I can say is remember how you felt when you got the ketamine injections and the depression lifted. You know there is a medication that is capable of making you feel that way again. I personally am awaiting the new medication azd6765 that you mentioned. I really hope it will not be too long before this becomes available. I really hope you feel better.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by bos314489

I am sorry you were not able to go. I wish I had the answer for you. The only thing I can say is remember how you felt when you got the ketamine injections and the depression lifted. You know there is a medication that is capable of making you feel that way again. I personally am awaiting the new medication azd6765 that you mentioned. I really hope it will not be too long before this becomes available. I really hope you feel better.

Even if I had the money, I was told not to do ketamine right now because of the flashbacks.

[Speed3]

I think everyone is sick of hearing about my grief and other symptoms revolving around my Jason's death. THis is the worse depression I have had in the course of 41 years.

No one on here wants to hear it. My PDOC doesn't want to hear it. My husband doesn't want to hear it. My one friend is too busy to hear it. My family hasn't been checking in. My psych unit is upset over my reaction to not letting me use felt tip markers, so really don't want me back after going there for 12 years.
My pastor is still recuperating after falling at Jason's funeral. So he can't hear it.

So I will continue my research on which of my meds my help me leap over to another world were none of this sh...t means anything.

Thanks for all the good advice anyway

[~Christina]

Speed

Noone is tired of you. Personally I often can't put words together that I think will help you. Your life has value and worth. I do know it's so hard to just keep breathing when there seems to be hope, there is always hope

Stay with us

[Moose72]

You are listened to here. I know this is a very very hard time for you.

[belledisastre]

You are not a bother to anyone. This is what we're all here for: to listen to others, support them, and get support ourselves. Losing a child must be absolutely terrible and no one should ever have to go through that. We're here to give you all the support we can.
Have you considered a grief counselor, or going into a group therapy specifically for grief? The grief issue seems to be the biggest thing that needs to be addressed at this time. And since you feel like you have no one to talk to about the loss, grief therapy seems like a good idea. We're always here too.

Also, I'm surprised that your IOP is so inflexible (exactly 2 weeks, no more, no less). Are there any partial hospitalization programs in your area? It's basically the same as IOP, but more therapy per day. IOP is often a step down from PHP. In my program, you did get individual attention as well since you had your own clinician/therapist (not everyone had the same therapist) that you could talk to privately as needed. I got IOP/PHP in the same program so it was the same in IOP. In my program, it was roughly 3 weeks in PHP, then 4-6 weeks in IOP, but it was very flexible. For example, I spent a month in PHP, then had a breakdown a week after I entered IOP, so I was sent back to PHP for another 3 weeks (just until I got better) and then I returned to IOP for another 5 weeks. It was very individualized on how well I was doing. I ended up staying a bit longer than average, but I got better, and that was the goal.
Because my program is an average of 7-9 weeks for most people, we really got to know each other so it felt much more individualized.
So you should probably consider that. Maybe there's a program in your area that's longer, more flexible and more individualized.

But if that's not an option, I truly think you'd benefit greatly from grief therapy. You should really consider it.

I wish you all the best. You are wonderful and strong.