[Lizabelle]

I'm 14, female, and bipolar. Background. :P Anyways-

I feel like my whole life is a fight against itself. I'm entirely made out of opposites, with no common ground to stand on. For instance:
~I hate being lonely, but I feel awkward and exposed and stupid when I'm around other people.
~I try to simplify my life by making systems to keep me on track, but always make them so complicated that it's counterproductive.
~I hate know-it-alls, but I'm probably the biggest one in the school.
~I want someone to care about me, but I don't, because if someone cares about you then they'll try to protect you, even from yourself.
~The depressed part of me wants to give up and slide back into the quiet madness, but the manic, hyper-focused, logical, planning side knows that now that I'm in high school, that would ruin the rest of my life.

Those are stupid examples. Oh well. But it just feels like everything inside me is trying to rip me into pieces, because they can't co-exist peacefully. I even took this personality test thing during a class and it told me the same thing: I'm logical, but like to think abstractly. I'm a "feeling" person, but I am uncompromising and don't care who gets hurt if something needs to be done.

I know it's probably just a part of having Bipolar, but I hate it. It's like, I can't think straight because I'm either focusing on all the details or my brain's clouded with a depressive fog. Everything's just contradicting itself over and over until it's all just muddled mess.

What can I do? Every time I try to think about it, or write about it, or deal with it in any way, it never comes out right. Even this post- it doesn't convey the sense of separateness, of "man vs. himself conflict", of insanity that I feel every day. Do any of you ever feel like this? What do you do to find something solid and unchanging to stand upon?

[~JD~]

I completely understand all of these feelings.

And I hate to suggest this, but if it's as bad as you are explaining, you really should turn to medication. It can not only stabilize your mood, but also keep you out of those debilitating "lows" that we know so very well.

i understand.

and they arn't stupid examples at all.. you make perfict sense to me!

[BipolaRNurse]

Honey, I've got 40 years on you, and I STILL feel like my life is nothing but opposites.....that the only consistent thing about me is my inconsistency. Don't be so hard on yourself; believe me, we get it.

[Lizabelle]

Thanks everyone (:

[renee_28]

I completely understand what you were going through, and having just graduated after 4 years of complete confusion I am right there with you. Medication does help stabilize your moods, but another thing that helps me is doing things I love. I know it sounds simple but finding that one thing that you feel strongly about can really stabilize you and if you do it every day, it really helps. It keeps you grounded and gets you out of your head for a little bit. I'd love to talk more if you need to!

[~Christina]

Do you have a Therapist to talk to ???

[crazymusiclvr]

Originally Posted by Lizabelle

I'm 14, female, and bipolar. Background. :P Anyways-

I feel like my whole life is a fight against itself. I'm entirely made out of opposites, with no common ground to stand on. For instance:
~I hate being lonely, but I feel awkward and exposed and stupid when I'm around other people.
~I try to simplify my life by making systems to keep me on track, but always make them so complicated that it's counterproductive.
~I hate know-it-alls, but I'm probably the biggest one in the school.
~I want someone to care about me, but I don't, because if someone cares about you then they'll try to protect you, even from yourself.
~The depressed part of me wants to give up and slide back into the quiet madness, but the manic, hyper-focused, logical, planning side knows that now that I'm in high school, that would ruin the rest of my life.

Those are stupid examples. Oh well. But it just feels like everything inside me is trying to rip me into pieces, because they can't co-exist peacefully. I even took this personality test thing during a class and it told me the same thing: I'm logical, but like to think abstractly. I'm a "feeling" person, but I am uncompromising and don't care who gets hurt if something needs to be done.

I know it's probably just a part of having Bipolar, but I hate it. It's like, I can't think straight because I'm either focusing on all the details or my brain's clouded with a depressive fog. Everything's just contradicting itself over and over until it's all just muddled mess.

What can I do? Every time I try to think about it, or write about it, or deal with it in any way, it never comes out right. Even this post- it doesn't convey the sense of separateness, of "man vs. himself conflict", of insanity that I feel every day. Do any of you ever feel like this? What do you do to find something solid and unchanging to stand upon?

Have you ever heard Katy Perry's song "hot and cold" ??? that just hits home!

[Lizabelle]

Christina- Nope. (:

crazymusiclvr- YES.