[wildflowerchild25]

So yesterday I made the decision to trust my coworker whom I have come to consider a friend over the school year and tell her that I may have bipolar disorder and am awaiting diagnosis. The reason I told her was because I am having a seriously difficult time hiding my depression this time. I have absolutely no energy and I feel as though the air is crushing me as I try to breathe. This has been reading on my face. and since I was so high on Friday, she naturally noticed the complete shift and asked me what was wrong Monday. I declined to say, but on Tuesday I decided I could confide in her as she has confided in me about big issues she's dealing with that cause her to spend time in her office crying. Also, I wanted to ask her if I could use her office during the day if I felt I needed to get away (btw - I am a teacher in a special ed school where every classroom has their own social worker, this coworker is the social worker so she has a tiny office). She was very supportive and helpful and listened to me and did not come off as judgmental. I felt better knowing that someone knew what was happening.

Today, we were chatting at the end of the day and joking about how everyone who works here is just as crazy as we are, and we're just better at hiding it. She offhandedly mentioned that she knows she should probably seek counseling but she believes most people can 'fit in' to society if they really try and don't necessarily need meds. She was referring to her own brother who she believes is just taking pills and not dealing with the core issues of his depression. And I KNOW she didn't mean it as disrespect to me at all because she is absolutely not that kind of person, but I was kind of upset by that. I guess because I've been able to function off meds and out of therapy for six years now and I don't understand why I suddenly can't manage.

I feel like I'm probably just being a dramatic whiny baby and I actually don't have anything wrong, I'm just making it all up to be special or something. I feel like maybe I'm forcing myself to be depressed or just not trying hard enough to climb out of it. The fact that I even went to work was huge today - I put a request for Friday off in already because i can't face two more days. But at the same time I feel like I'm just being stupid, that I'm doing this on purpose for some misguided attempt at attention.

I just feel like such a freaking jerk because it's beautiful out but I can't bring myself to take my son out to play in his sandbox. I can't even think about opening my lesson plans, especially now that I have to do double the plans because one of my students went out on homebound and apparently I have to provide the plans from all his classes for HB, not just mine (English). Then, I have to do an IEP for a student who is currently incarcerated JUST IN CASE he gets released after his court date. Meanwhile, the curriculum director is treating us like elementary schoolers and sending out "Perfect IEP" emails and admonishing the rest of us for not proofreading hard enough. So I'm a jerk English teacher who can't even proofread 36 pages of IEP to her standards.

And also one of my students asked me for his grade today and I said I didn't have any put in yet. He said "Well the math/science teacher has my grades. The social studies teacher has my grades. You don't have my grades ready? What does that say?" Now mind you I work in a behavioral school so students saying mean things to teachers is the norm, they end up being addressed through our model and most of the time it doesn't bother me because I know it's a manifestation of their disability and/or life situation. but he's right! I haven't put in ANY grades and the marking period started two weeks ago. Last week i was high but I had decided my time would be better spent writing various motivational essays because I was convinced I could absorb people's emotional pain. This week I want to cry thinking about the pile of folders of unmarked work on my desk.

I feel like a failure of a teacher because I don't really teach lessons - I don't use the computers - I don't use the smart board - I don't grade like the other teachers - I don't assign homework. Now most of that is because I had to adjust my teaching to reflect the class; they can't use the computers because they were inappropriate with them, and I don't teach whole 40 minute lessons because they can't sit long enough for that. But I just feel like a huge jerk.

I didn't even want to keep my pdoc evaluation tomorrow because I feel like i should just be able to figure this out on my own, like I'm just not trying hard enough. I did keep it and I AM going to go, mainly because I've been waiting two months to get in and if i cancel now hubby will be super pissed.

Sorry for the long post...I just feel like such a complete failure at everything right now

[faerie_moon_x]

I often feel like a failure. I think that's a common thing with depression. I think the world puts a lot on our shoulders and expects everyone to run at the same level. But, it's just not possible. And, I know it's hard but you shouldn't beat yourself up about having a hard time with your depression right now. Each cycle is different. Just because one is worse or longer doesn't mean you fail.

And, it's good you are confiding in someone. If she knows you were upset just apologize and say you were having a bad day. I mean, that's perfectly normal even if you don't have a diagnosis.

Our society puts so much on "independance" and "take care of yourself, alone." It's stupid. Humans are pack animals. Sometimes we need help and support. There is nothing wrong with that. Anyone who says otherwise has no idea what they are talking about.

I'm glad you kept your appointment.