[noshadows]

I, at a very young age, I somehow realized this and had to improvise. Telling it as it is, is not going to work full stop. I could try and have tried but end up sounding more crazy and confused than I already felt. So, I rather try to convince someone that I am very, very sorry, thus taking responsibility for ‘what I have done’ or try to justify it. Yes, come up with any and everything that might sound like a legit reason for I did ‘what I did’. Examples relating to the above analogy can be stuff like: I would really like to do the best job possible and when I found that I hadn’t, I decided to wreck everything and start over. Or, a very familiar one that seems to work very well (and leaves a massive backlash that hurts as hell); blame the accuser. Because mom, you are always so strict with me, I hate it, I hate you! You are never even here to see the times it is neat and tidy, you don’t even care about me! Ok, so that was the vicious one and although the prize (mom forgets about the mess of a room, feels bad about working late and holds baby boy in her arms) doesn’t justify the sacrifice (knowingly hurting his mother and feeling really sorry and bad for it) it works and that was the main objective. Lastly comes the ‘pity’ card; I so sorry, I don’t know why I always disappoint you, I know I am not a good son or anything to be proud of. I will try harder, I promise I will (with lots of tears). This one is closest to truth but still one battled alone in his head.
I would follow an episode like that with feeling deep guilt and remorse. I would feel hateful about feeling sad or sad about feeling helpless or angry about feeling guilty or or or. My mind then plays further tricks on myself, alone in bed, after the whole episode where I am left alone to figure out what really happened. May be I just stressed or over worked? May be I am rebelling, I am twelve after all, aren’t one suppose to be rebelling at that age? May be I am still angry at my mother about yesterday? May be all of that of worst case scenario – may be none of that. Now that is a realization I never liked coming to so I’d very gladly pick one of the previous may be’s , even if not fully convinced myself and let it rest. Because the real, delusional truth is what follows ‘may be it’s none of those reasons’ MAY BE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, MAY BE I’M CRAZY? And worse yet….how do I know? And worst of all…… who will help me figure this out?

[~Christina]

Welcome to PC ,

Seems as tho you have a whole lot of stuff going on. Of course no one here can diagnosis you, This is just my advice to you.....

You should talk to guidence counselor at school. They can talk to you and see what other help you may need. Its also a good idea to have a regular checkup with your regular doctor for routine blood work.

At your age (12) you are going to be dealing with a ton of hormonal changes.

Hope this helps even if its just a little.

[ultramar]

I saw in your profile that you're 33 --when you say you're 12 do you mean that you are reflecting back on interactions you had when you were 12 with your mother? Are you trying to figure out what was wrong back then?

[noshadows]

Yes, I'm 33. Not what really happened, trying to explain the ways I, or one might, deal with the consequences of tings you did that didn't feel like you did it. Saying that my young brain instinctively came up with either denying (that didn't work cause who'd believe that another boy just like you appeared out of nowhere) or fighting or giving the other person the blame or making them feel guilty, just to kinda 'get away' with whatever happened (in whatever context) that wasn't understood or couldn't be explained. Know what I mean? I always had and still have an excellent relationship with my mother, these were examples x

[noshadows]

Oops, see that I didn't explain what goes before my post. It goes like this...
Imagine...
A few months back I remember jokingly trying to explain a (probably bizarre) thing I have done. I said it is like a little child playing in his room. Mom walks in and says “clean your room please”. The little boy makes work of it just to have another little boy come in and destroy his handy work. In walks mother to find all the boys clothes on the floor, the bed side lamp on its side, the pot plant broken and the little boy looking very confused and guilty. You can imagine the mother’s disbelief and in her anger or disappointment shouts “what the hell? What happened? I told you to clean it, not make it worse!” The little boy’s reply: Mom I was busy cleaning my room, I promise! I was almost done and then a little boy, who looks just like me, came from nowhere and wrecked it. He just walked in, made a mess and walked out, I promise.
This to me is a classic example of how I usually feel after a ‘not so good’ incident. One, that it wasn’t me which makes it difficult to take responsibility and blame. Two, that I can’t even explain in words where the hell ‘she’ came from, why or why and whereto she disappeared as fast as she appeared. Three, having to now feel guilty or show remorse for something I feel wasn’t me or at the very least, not intended. Four, the predicament of no one believing the story in any way.
I, at a very young age, I somehow realized this and had to improvise. Telling it as it is, is not going to work full stop. I could try and have tried but end up sounding more crazy and confused than I already felt. So, I rather try to convince someone that I am very, very sorry, thus taking responsibility for ‘what I have done’ or try to justify it. Yes, come up with any and everything that might sound like a legit reason for I did ‘what I did’. Examples relating to the above analogy can be stuff like: I would really like to do the best job possible and when I found that I hadn’t, I decided to wreck everything and start over. Or, a very familiar one that seems to work very well (and leaves a massive backlash that hurts as hell); blame the accuser. Because mom, you are always so strict with me, I hate it, I hate you! You are never even here to see the times it is neat and tidy, you don’t even care about me! Ok, so that was the vicious one and although the prize (mom forgets about the mess of a room, feels bad about working late and holds baby boy in her arms) doesn’t justify the sacrifice (knowingly hurting his mother and feeling really sorry and bad for it) it works and that was the main objective. Lastly comes the ‘pity’ card; I so sorry, I don’t know why I always disappoint you, I know I am not a good son or anything to be proud of. I will try harder, I promise I will (with lots of tears). This one is closest to truth but still one battled alone in his head.
I would follow an episode like that with feeling deep guilt and remorse. I would feel hateful about feeling sad or sad about feeling helpless or angry about feeling guilty or or or. My mind then plays further tricks on myself, alone in bed, after the whole episode where I am left alone to figure out what really happened. May be I just stressed or over worked? May be I am rebelling, I am twelve after all, aren’t one suppose to be rebelling at that age? May be I am still angry at my mother about yesterday? May be all of that of worst case scenario – may be none of that. Now that is a realization I never liked coming to so I’d very gladly pick one of the previous may be’s , even if not fully convinced myself and let it rest. Because the real, delusional truth is what follows ‘may be it’s none of those reasons’ MAY BE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, MAY BE I’M CRAZY? And worse yet….how do I know? And worst of all…… who will help me figure this out?

[noshadows]

Thank you Cristina and Ultrmar for reading and replying x