I'm not well...

I wish I could blame it on sickness, but no, it's so much worse.

Due to overwhelming circumstances/decisions/consequences in my life, I finally went to mental health services instead of general doctor. They have diagnosed me with BPD. I haven't grown comfortable with this yet, so I still post here where I am.

BPD has a worse stigma than BP. It makes me feel as though my personality, my core is somehow flawed. That is beyond meds to control the emotions. That terrifies me!!

So I sit here in the limbo of life that I managed to create. I have no job, no insurance, had to sell my horses, in limbo with my life partner, which puts me in limbo of losing my house, my cats and dogs, everything that is my life.

I hate my life......I just want to be able to conquer this mind **ck.

Awww Aphrodite, bpd sucks WetRabidDogAss, but I promise its not the end of the world. Just this last 6 months I've made progress with my bpd in leaps and bounds, its not a hopeless sitiuation.

Its horrible to feel that your core is corrupted in some way, but bpd behaviour can be challenged, we can learn to reprogramme our default setting to a good degree. Its hard, I won't lie, in the beginning its draining to be at constant war with yourself, but it does get easier and become more natural with practice.

I'm really sorry your life has been turned upside down, the damage left behind us, bp / bpd is never pretty, but we can pick up the pieces.

I mostly post here, my family is on this board, so I keep them in the loop and that includes my bpd journey, but I do sometimes post on the bpd board when I feel its most relevent there. So don't feel that you should stop posting here or not post about your bpd here

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Just remember that BPD isn't something imaginary or created. It is caused by very real things that have affected you in a very real way. And, knowing that it's there can help you find the right tools to find your wellness. You're still you and you can now move forward toward being the best you possible.

Hang in there, we're all in this together!

Muse I'm sorry you are having such a struggle. Now dealing with a different diagnosis certainly is easy. BPD does not make you flawed not at all.
Please don't feel the need to stop posting here, Post anywhere you want and where you are comfortable.

I personally think Bipolar and BPD share so many symptoms its often hard to see a clear line... I think life is one big blurry line.

Be kind to yourself

PM me anytime

I'm sorry honey I agree the stigma seems worse with bpd, horribly unfair, the bp stigma is bad enough!!! And like Christina said, they share so many symptoms it's hard to tell. And for me personally - never know when pdoc is going to change the dx....

We do have a lot of parallels lady! I'm on the edge of a shitstorm too with risk of losing job, house, MY PETS!! I can't tell which end is up and the uncertainty is such hell. Seriously can't tell if this storm is a comin or a goin.

BPD is confusing for me - but makes sense how it matches a lot of my symptoms... it's something I'm only dancing around and peeking at because I'm afraid of it. So basically trying to learn more about it, and gently as possible face my fear. I didn't exactly have a traumatic childhood, but I was a weird kid (lots of living in a fantasy world - but that part was cool - I don't want to call that "illness"!!) ... I've noticed a lot of people in the bpd forum say they did not have the traumatic childhood hallmark either, and pdocs seem to believe it absolutely can be hereditary. So I'm still trying to wrap my head around it - what the heck is it? And still haven't figured out what the heck is bp??

Try to tell yourself nice things, like you would tell me or I would tell you. What I do see as obvious is that bp with bpd people are Highly Sensitive - to physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual realms. My current theory is this leads to the overwhelm... and then if we're misunderstood, not treated with care, stigmatized, shunned... the overwhelm is even more overloaded. So self soothing, finding people who are gentle and kind to you (like animals are the best at that!), get disability if you can and then figure out if you can work, or maybe something calm part-time work. Caring for your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual bodies are your job right now. Even if you're used to working, let it go... for now... you can find a job later if you feel "well". Just want to see you take care of you.

PM me anytime too, I like them actually.

I'm so sorry to hear that Muse :/

I just wanted to say that, although not officially diagnosed, I too suffer from many BPD symptoms. I was diagnosed Bipolar I & ADHD and most recently I've been compainig of obvious BPD symptoms. My pdoc says that I "may very well have BPD as well"... but basically because there is no medication and real viable "treatment" for it (in insurance eyes) he didn't want to officially diagnose me with it.

HOWEVER I just wanted to tell you... that I see a psychotherapist and she works specifically with people who have Bipolar, anxiety, BPD, and other personality disorders. I know you said you don't have insurance, but perhaps you can look into seeing if there are any psychotherapist's in your area who offer their services on a sliding scale? She helps me a great deal in terms of learning how to "cope" and how to deal with my very real and INTENSE emotions. Things like "cognitive behavioral therapy" and "dialectical behavioral therapy" are specific techniques we use in therapy.

Also a book I got on Amazon that has helped me and is a great tool is called "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance" You can find it on Amazon here.

Hope that helps! Just know you're not alone and there is help out there for you!

I have just began DBT Therapy. About to attend my second session this week. I get a little freaked out knowing that she takes notes on me and I don't know what about.....

Oh how I could use a time-machine in my life right now.

I would maybe ask what are the notes she's taking... I want to know that stuff. Pdoc asked me recently, "are you having any (pause) road rage?" She always asks stuff like this, in this tone & manner. I told her, "I will tell you but don't want you to write this down because I'm not going to hurt anyone and can't risk losing my license (she nodded agreement she better not report me) but yes, I get really irritable and rage screaming while driving sometimes." Point being we should have rights to know what they're noting about us, need that trust. I would tell her I need to trust you. May as well be able to voice your concerns if the therapy is going to be helpful. Chances are they've heard so much from their numerous clients that we can trust them, this is my reasoning.

bpd huh? borderline....

it's like you have a perspective and it changes the way one looks at everything, affecting all the decisions and actions that ya can make. but that perspective changes, and no matter how much one tries to hold on to it, to keep that perspective it changes and one gets lost and makes terrible decisions and then another perspective comes, but it is dramatically different but we go with it and suddenly we are a different person, again... and again...

but you have to hold on to it when it comes, lest you be lost... again.

ugh... borderline

everchanging suffering it puts a person through. I've noticed that sometimes one knows that their perspective is wrong but has to hold onto it anyways out of survival. and that the one thing that a person can hold onto is the fact that nothing is going to stay the same. that everything is everchanging and that trusting in ANYTHING is a mistake.

Sorry for the rant. borderline is just so hard to describe.

Rant away dumbfounded. I hear ya loud n clear. I totally feel what you are saying.