A slap in the face at age 20

As you may have gathered I am a 20 year old that has just been though his first round of psychs and counselors.

I am currently on 900mg Lithium and 100mg Seroquel.

Over the past three years I have gone through the following phases, usually one after another in periods of a few months:
Angry/Manipulative
Sad
Incredibly Happy/Manipulative
Paranoid/Angry
Incredibly Happy/Apathetic
Disassociated/Schitzoaffective
Depressed [Lithium 900mg]
Dissociated/Schitzoaffective
Angry/Violent/Schitzoaffective [100mg Seroquel]
Everything above at once currently

As if March 2013:
I am having thoughts and voices tell me that I am making everything up to get attention. That side of me is also laughing at what it thinks is the fact that I conned all of the psychs. The thing that concerns me is that I can't remember if I did or not, all I know is that my life is horribly out of control right now.

I only remember time periods in how I felt then and not anything to do with events. However when something I don't remember plays out again, say, my roomate sitting in a recliner playing games, I get incredible scared because I don't know if it is a dream or reality.

I don't know what the truth is about myself anymore, and could ramble on about this nonsense.

tl dr: One day this spring everything got way out of control, does that happen to other people? Do other people have the persistent idea that they are creating mental chaos for themselves? Feedback would be greatly appreciated and I will most likely be answer any questions if I can.

Being diagnosed is very turbulent. it's easy to think that maybe you're making it up. Because, in a way, making it up is better than it being a reality. But, consider this, making it up would be a worse option because: a) you perpetuate the stigma that mental illness is fake and full of drama queens who just want attention/are too lazy/or thing they are entitled. b) You are one of those drama queens, and therefore have no compassion for people really struggling for real.

So, when you get down to it, the people who do fake it and make it up are really huge jerks and have no idea what the stigma is and how terrible it is to run up against it. "Attention" because of bipolar is gnerally negative and prejudiced. People don't baby you or take care of you very often if your having mania or depression. In fact, quite the oposite. You get a lot of people rolling their eyes, "just suck it up," and "just let it go," and "just snap out of it." If you become suicidal you often run up against the stigma with things like "people who talk about it just want attention, if you were really suicidal you'd just off yourself." (Which is completely false, a myth, by the way and people who use suicidal threats for attention cost other people their lives.)

So... I mean, do you really think that's the type of person you are?

My advice is you hang around here and get to see that having bipolar is just part of life. Many of us have it, we struggle but we also help each other along here. Here, we are not alone. Others understand. You'll have good days, bad days, and all the other types of days. So will everyone. You can still live even with bipolar.

Welcome JJee to PC! It sounds like you have a lot going on. PC is a good place to vent - put it all out there - and get supportive feedback from others with similar issues. Being Bipolar or Schizoaffective can be a trip. I herd voices at one point but Resperdal took them away. I only hear my crazy self talk now. I wish you the best. . .

Gary290

your preaching to the choir.
(is that how it goes???)

anyway
i dont know who i am anymore either.
i have schizophrenia and have had voices before tell me im faking. its horrible. i have voices daily. i thought maybe i was making it all up too. even with all these diagnoses ive gotten i feel maybe its still just fake. sometimes. not all the time though.

JJee,
I'm sorry to hear your life is so turbulent right now. I am not familiar enough with these conditions (except bipolar) to offer good counsel. As you can probably tell, the psychs are a mixed group. Some of them are able to really listen to what's going on with you, with your wishes and dreams and hopes. My wish for you is that you find those psychs. Hang on to anything that keeps you going.

Mike