[vjdragonfly]

I had another fight with my 17 year old daughter last night. She sees it as over something stupid (she messed up one of my good towels), but that is just what set me off. She never respects my stuff or the fact I have to clean up after her messes (ex: hair dye on bathroom countertop). Then when I do get mad she freaks out cause I yell at her telling me I have no right to yell. She thinks she can do what she wants when she wants. She disrespects me and my home. She has six months till she turns 18 and I am counting the days. I wish so bad I could let her move out now (which she asks every time we have a bad confrontation). I am soooo broken hearted that I can hardly stand to look at her. I fight every day to make her life better. To not forget what it is like to be her age. To understand what she is going through and be sympathetic. What do I do now? It hurts so bad that I don't want to go on anymore. I don't know if I would if I didn't still have a twelve year old.

[faerie_moon_x]

I don't think you're a bad mom. Having respect for the things of the people you live with will go far beyond living with you in your house. It is something she will need to learn when living with anyone. Her future roommate, spouse, and children will all deserve the same respect of their things as she gives you.

So, I think you're both just at a point of tension. I think it happens with kids and parents sometimes. Instead of resolving the problem you've both gotten to a point where it stagnated. She is feeling like she's ready to be grown-up and on her own. You're at a point where you have just dealt with it for so long you're aggrivated.

Don't take this personally. She's trying to spread her wings before jumping out of the nest. I think it's a normal thing. It's an age thing. I bet things will turn around in time. For now, though, give her more and more responsability since she's going to move out. Tell her that, since she is preparing to move out that she needs practice. When you get into arguments, have a point set in your mind that you won't go passed in your anger and walk away from the argument.

I have some explosive anger and setting up a point in my mind before arguments even happen has been helping me. Walk away, go do something distracting, and fight every urge to escalate the fight.

And, your daughter still loves you, you're just in a tense spot right now. I had a similar thing with my dad. We do better living in separate homes than together.

[vjdragonfly]

Thanks Dark Heart. I just wish I could make my heart quit aching. I don't think at this point I can go forward anymore. I am soooo tired . . . .

[faerie_moon_x]

I know. You're on a long road now. But, having been a rebelious kid myself I know that you don't actually hate your parents. I just remember feeling trapped. I also remember the slap in the face it was once I realized I was an adult and had been such a brat. But, that didn't happen until after I was stuck in a really bad marriage. Hopefully that doesn't happen for her, but the main reason it happened to me was because I felt I couldn't get away from my dad, too.

It will get better. I have only cyber-hugs for you. And, I will be sending positive soothing thoughts to you and your daughter. Hopefully you can get some peace in the house at least.

[turbulence]

You have my complete sympathy. I have three teenagers at the moment, I too am counting the days until they move out. I am just trying to take it one day at a time...

Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Trippin2.0]

Oh VJ, you are definitly not a bad mom!
I had hoped things were improving between you and your daughter, sorry to hear that you're hurting so badly

I'm sure its got plenty to do with her age, and I agree with DH, once she knows what its like to live on her own or with strangers, she'll realize how good she had it at home and understand the lessons you tried to pass on to her... I'm sure things will improve once she's in her own living space.

Please don't feel bad, when you push a button, you expect the machine to react. Our buttons are the same, there's only so many times we can ignore the "command" before we react, and those times are usually the most volatile of reactions because the "button pusher" does not acknowledge/know that its the very same button they've been pushing this whole time, and then our reactions seem out of proportion to them...

Please do something to distract yourself, remove yourself from the situation and gather your thoughts and feelings. Sooth VJ for me please my friend, I'm too far to do it myself

You're a great mom, a wonderful friend and an incredible woman, don't doubt that

ps. Really glad to hear from you

[hannabee]

I went through similar things with my oldest daughter at that age. They just really want to be adults although they have no idea what is ahead! Mine apologized to me after getting out on her own. It really will get better, you just remember to pick your battles and do something nice for yourself EVERYDAY! Hugs!

[vjdragonfly]

Thanks for all your input (good to see you too trippin). Had a talk with her and let her know what she is doing to me. Trying to be ok, but still can't kick the feeling of a knife in my heart. Still don't think she understands. But I guess some things are not apparent until we walk the same path. Just hard to get through . Thanks so much for all the support.