[Nessa213]

You know what I mean.

You've been a job too long. A great job, the best job you've had in your adult life. (Also, to add... a job you've been able to hold down for almost 2 years. A record for you.) You've FINALLY started your 401K at the age of 31. It's a job that makes it easy to function in and deep down you KNOW that it's a one in a million type of place. You're just starting to wrench the wheels of trolly back on the right track but it feels... off.

You want that... change. That something. That thing that pulls you to checking job boards, pulls you to go house hunting when you really have no reason to move, pulls you to thinking that you shouldn't be on birth control because maybe you'd like another baby. That pull forward, or sidewise or even back... but that pull to change.

Things go well. But too well. Things are too perfect. Things are too... Rockwellian. It's gross and it's sickening. You don't deserve it. But you could be better. So much better. Not only "could", but you SHOULD be better. You've grown stagnant and it's your own damn fault. You've fallen over your own feet and you know you could have stopped it. You SHOULD have stopped it. You are weak. You are a disappointment.

How have I gotten here? This isn't where I was meant to be. I don't belong here.

[~Christina]

I think this is when a Therapist can be very helpful. Are you able to do some self grounding? Does all of this run thru your mind non stop ?

[Nessa213]

I wouldn't say that I actively think about it as in a non stop kind of thing.

But I feel that pull and do things and don't really realize that THAT'S what I'm doing. Until I kind of step back sometimes and think "what the HELL am I doing??"

[Victoria'smom]

This is when I take a week-end vacation.

[~Christina]

I have had alot of the same issues in the past and hell I still do... My Therapist helped me put together a bag of tricks. I have " poor impulse control" <~~ for real, kinda explains alot of my past .

Honestly the best coping skills I use are self grounding and making a deal with myself to put off any type of decisions ( big things, not the gallon of ice cream I want to eat right now ) for at least a week.. I also do a lot or pro/con legal pads. I have often come here on PC and ask my friends if I am being smart or not. ( Thankfully i get honest responses)

" For me "this is not a situation that medications are going to change my sometimes faulty thought process.

*** trots to the kitchen for that gallon of ice cream**

[A Red Panda]

I dye my hair. I plan out vacations.

I also teach, so I repeat to myself "There will be a new group next year! We'll be done this activity and do something new next week!" etc etc. lol.

[Nessa213]

Originally Posted by CheshireCatGrin

I dye my hair. I plan out vacations.

I also teach, so I repeat to myself "There will be a new group next year! We'll be done this activity and do something new next week!" etc etc. lol.

Ironically, I just dyed my hair last night!

"Poor impulse control"... this is my life! Both in good and positively awful ways.

I'm jealous of your ice cream. Way jealous.

[A Red Panda]

That was Christina!

But - yesterday when I finally bought groceries, I actually DID buy some ice cream (key lime sorbet) and had some earlier today and decided it was delicious.

I love dying my hair. I just wish it didn't cost me nearly $200 to get my hair dyed nicely!!

Changing hairstyles is a great idea and I've done that over the years. I definitely relate to your feelings/impulses. It is stronger for me when I am manic.

Happens frequently to me. A few weeks ago, I was about to divorce my (fabulous) husband and move to Syria to work for the International Red Cross. Today I wanted to join the National Guard. One year I had 8 jobs in less than 12 months. Since graduating college many moons ago, I've never been able to stay in one place (house, city, etc) for more than 2 years. I have been known to change my hair, dye it, cut it, shave my head, grow it out, etc, etc. Some people in my life never see me with the same hair twice.

I still struggle with these impulses a LOT and when they come, it always feels incredibly urgent, but as I'm learning more about my issues, I'm starting to understand the distortions in my head. But it can be very frightening, frustrating, scary, and I know I drive my husband nuts with my impulsive thoughts. Although I'm to the point where I can say out loud "I need you to talk me out of..."insert crazy idea/need for change..." I also have a therapist that I see weekly who keeps me pretty grounded.

[faerie_moon_x]

I had this happen to me when I was a custodian. I only held the job for 6 months, but at that time it was my record. I was 20 years old. I don't remember the "logic" of why I quit. But it was a huge mistake.

That job was perfect for me. It kept me active. It was non-customer service, low stress, routine repetitive tasks, same pattern every day. Good pay & really good benefits due to being a county jon. I tried to go back but I had burned a bridge

I wish I could go back

[faerie_moon_x]

Oops, double posted o.o

[Nessa213]

I just want to badly to be happy with what I have. It's not all that bad. What am I missing and why am I missing it? What's my ****ing malfunction?

I want to be happy with the amazing husband I have. I want to be happy with this house. I want to be happy with my job. I want to be happy having a daughter... I should consider myself lucky.

Why do I feel like I am lacking? Why does this life make me want more? I want to make it all go away. And I feel like an awful person because of it.

[A Red Panda]

Awww, Nessa. I feel you.

I keep reminding myself that for the things that I want out of life: I've gotten as far as I can get with effort, and am in progress for the rest.

I've got a good job. I'm steadily paying off my student loan. I can afford to travel. I've got my own apartment. I do have a good lot of friends (barring recent circumstances). I've got pretty good control over my behaviours. I do not have a house, but I HAVE just got my own flat and I'm starting to build up a savings now. I am single, and that is miserable, but I do give people a chance and when I do I don't hide anything... I'm honest and know that I put my best effort forward every time. Just haven't had luck with it yet.

And yet.... I never feel like I'm doing things right. I always feel like I'm failing at my ownl life, and can't figure out what to do with it. I try so hard to be happy with where I am... because I KNOW it's not a bad place. I've got a pretty good life, and it's hundreds better than it was when I was still in highschool. But yet... the unhappy and restlessness is still always there.