[BinaryMan]

After yet another negative confrontation last night I am starting to have serious doubts about if I will ever really be understood by my girlfriend. She does do more than her fair share of research into my illness, however despite this she lacks the context to really understand. The words on the page can not accurately describe the feeling of being trapped by your own mind, of being "along for the ride" with no control over speed or direction. I try to explain, but I lack the words and start to doubt the words even exist. It has been said that someone without bipolar cannot really understand bipolar in more than an abstract way. And after so many talks turned sour about this topic I am starting to believe it myself.

She reads her books and blogs and websites, then comes back with "you are x so you should do y". I try to explain it does not work that way. When my brain is in a state of paranoia or anxiety or irritability that I am beholden to these moods and can not change them no matter how much I want to. Telling me what normal people do to shift out of a mood simply will not work. You can't cheer me up out of a depression. You can't calm my anxiety. You can not sooth my irritability. I am what my brain wants me to be at that moment. She says I am not trying, she says I could do it if I want to. So now, despite how much she tries to "help" I find myself walking alone down the road to recovery. yeah, she handles the physical me, keeps my spending and diet check, but there is no emotional support. And I just have no words to tell her how much I need it without it devolving into how I "just want to do what you want".

I just want to hide somewhere and not come out

[bluewind]

It sounds like she's trying to control and manage your illness because she is afraid of it. Maybe a support group for friends and family along with support for bipolars might help. I am fortunate to have married another manic depressive and we completely understand the other without judgement or pushing. We have had many difficulties when one is up the other down and lots of excitement when we're both manic and alas, yes...many tears. My other family members don't care to understand and my mother who was blissfully ignorant of bipolar treated me like your gf treats you. She would try to force me to walk four miles a day on days when I couldn't get out of bed. I tried so hard to please her but when I became manic she dumped me off at the ER and told the nurses station that she was done with me. Then she left. Most people don't get it. My husband can see my illness with more clarity than I see it myself and vice versa so we make a good team. We intuit the patterns of the other and try to help them.

[BinaryMan]

sigh. I just had a huge fight with her over text messages. She wanted the whole weekend to spend together. Knowing how irritable I am right now I said that would be a bad idea. Then all of a sudden I am assaulted with "why can't you do this for me! I never get affection from you!". I try to explain I can't just turn it off like a switch, but she is off and running already about how I don't give this or that or the other thing. I tell her I can't control my moods and make myself available to her no mater how I want to. now at this point I am pissed that she thinks I can just snap out of it and give her what she wants because she describes how much she needs it. If I could give it I would give it but I can't so why does she keep telling me how hurtful I am when I say as much?

I am a hairs breath from making myself single so I don't have to deal with this crap

[Victoria'smom]

I think most need to rely on a therapist for emotional support of a mental illness if the don't have similar issues.

[BlueInanna]

I like what bluewind said lucky enough to marry another manic depressive. I was just thinking this yesterday! Sounds like the only way to have a partner really understand...

Binary, I'm sorry what you're going through. I'm sure you tell her you would give her what she's asking if you could. So many details in relationships, hard to give advice. Maybe wait to end it when you're calmer, I tend to try to destroy things when feeling down, like self sabotage. What do you feel you could handle this weekend? 20 movies in bed - that's where I'm at. If I had a non-judging, compassionate partner I'd welcome them to join me but warn them I'm grouchy.

They really need to get it (and many people are capable of grasping abstract thoughts) we are not bp or depressed because we are weak. We are stronger than anyone has a clue because we've endured depth and intensity of thought mood emotion they have no idea!

[~Christina]

If she has been reading all about Bipolar then she is not understanding a bit of it.

People that do not have Bipolar can not understand what its really like , plain and simple. My husband doesn't try to fix me or try to "snap" me out of it . But ... I don't expect him to put up with me when I am a total mess or angry at the world. I have learned in Therapy that even tho I can't choose what mood to be in , I can't expect him to put up with it all the time . I am still responsible for my actions.

My T and I have worked really hard on learning ways to cope with a episode and also make sure it doesn't tear apart my relationship. If I am really a mess I will tell my husband, I don't expect him to really do anything , but I want him to know, so he doesn't wonder why I am quiet or withdrawn.

I get most all of my Bipolar support with my T and here on PC and the wonderful friends I have been blessed with... and that is just fine for me.

I hope you and your girlfriend can really sit down at some point and come up with a game plan and learn how to use boundaries in a healthy way.

Good luck !

[BinaryMan]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I like what bluewind said lucky enough to marry another manic depressive. I was just thinking this yesterday! Sounds like the only way to have a partner really understand...

Binary, I'm sorry what you're going through. I'm sure you tell her you would give her what she's asking if you could. So many details in relationships, hard to give advice. Maybe wait to end it when you're calmer, I tend to try to destroy things when feeling down, like self sabotage. What do you feel you could handle this weekend? 20 movies in bed - that's where I'm at. If I had a non-judging, compassionate partner I'd welcome them to join me but warn them I'm grouchy.

They really need to get it (and many people are capable of grasping abstract thoughts) we are not bp or depressed because we are weak. We are stronger than anyone has a clue because we've endured depth and intensity of thought mood emotion they have no idea!

Thank you all for the replies.

When I get wound up like this I try to stay in front of my computer, usually playing games, where my judgment can do the least bit of damage. But I am irritable a large portion of the time. I am irritable when I am depressed. I am irritable when I am manic (or should I say, hypomanic). The times in between are fine, but they don't last very long. So I end up spending enough time in front of my computer that my girlfriend has started calling it my "mistress".

I would rather stay away than start a fight cause I still haven't learned to control my tongue yet when irritable.

[BinaryMan]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

If she has been reading all about Bipolar then she is not understanding a bit of it.

I really think she is reading for "answers" rather then comprehension. She does find very good info about medication, habits, diet, support groups... but when it comes to me and how to handle my phases, well she just can't grasp the idea that there is nothing that can be done to "fix" it.

[~Christina]

In that case ... Do what I did .. Take your spouse to your T appt and your T can explain to her in plain simple straight forward manner the reality of Bipolar. My husband was relieved knowing what he can do for me and what he cant.

[ultramar]

She can't 'fix' it and all you can do is the best you can, engaging in whatever treatment you are under. It sounds like you are needing more understanding and validation and maybe on her part, she's needing some understanding and validation as well --as far as the difficulties with the relationship and whatever 'issues' she may have of her own.

That said, I think coming from a place of 'I can't do anything about it' doesn't leave much room for improving things as a couple. You may be out of control to some or a large extent of your moods when you are in the throes of an episode, but maybe in between you can have some good, calm, mutually validating conversations about how to improve your relationship.

I think couple's counseling may be a big help, so that you can better understand each other's struggles and how to move forward with the relationship to make it work.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

If she has been reading all about Bipolar then she is not understanding a bit of it.

People that do not have Bipolar can not understand what its really like , plain and simple. My husband doesn't try to fix me or try to "snap" me out of it . But ... I don't expect him to put up with me when I am a total mess or angry at the world. I have learned in Therapy that even tho I can't choose what mood to be in , I can't expect him to put up with it all the time . I am still responsible for my actions.

My T and I have worked really hard on learning ways to cope with a episode and also make sure it doesn't tear apart my relationship. If I am really a mess I will tell my husband, I don't expect him to really do anything , but I want him to know, so he doesn't wonder why I am quiet or withdrawn.

I get most all of my Bipolar support with my T and here on PC and the wonderful friends I have been blessed with... and that is just fine for me.

I hope you and your girlfriend can really sit down at some point and come up with a game plan and learn how to use boundaries in a healthy way.

Good luck !

Yes, this!!! Acceptance by your partner, a "game plan," and boundaries.

[BinaryMan]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

In that case ... Do what I did .. Take your spouse to your T appt and your T can explain to her in plain simple straight forward manner the reality of Bipolar.

Originally Posted by ultramar

I think couple's counseling may be a big help, so that you can better understand each other's struggles and how to move forward with the relationship to make it work.

Thank you both.

I have been looking for a couples counselor that also has some experience with bipolar, but I think I will increase the time spent on the search. The sooner we are getting along the better.

When I am finally assigned a pdoc I definitely intend to bring my gf along for my visits.