sorry, just frustration.

I feel like there are so many partitions in my head. I compartmentalize so much to prevent a complete core meltdown- maybe brought on by something simple as the corner Walgreeens running out of my conditioner.

Does this make sense to anyone else?
Example: it's been a hell of a week because my random allergies again struck out of nowhere, so like maybe today will be the first time in three or four days I leave the house. I plan to get up, brush my teeth, my hair. I need a shower, but I'm out of conditioner. I am determined to do dishes and then walk to the store.

It's hot and my body barely tolerates the 85° weather because my RX of topiramate is so high I pretty much clean out the pharmacy every time I get a refill; that plus lithium plus all the other fun jujubees in my cocktail reduce my body's ability to regulate temperature to nil.
I've stopped sweating by the time I reach the store but I am so set on routine, that I am getting the Damn. Conditioner.

Only it's not there.

So I have to dig deep with in myself and pretend the bipolar, autistic, obsessive-compulsive me who is bordering on hyperthermic at this point is a totally rational and composed human being.

I grab a bottle of water from the cooler, plaster something on my face that feels akin to a smile, aim my face briefly in the general direction of the cashier. I try to avoid The Awkward during this pathetic transaction and leave feeling a little devastated.
Confused because I'm devastated.
Frustrated because I'm confused.
Ultimately pissed because I'm thirty and my entire day's success apparently rests on the current inventory of the corner Walgreens store.

This is my life.
I was supposed to be more than this.

I could say much more, but a lot of you probably already understand.
...this is what I think about when I can't sleep, when I'm on the bus with a blank look in my eyes, when I'm on the phone telling my mother that everything is fine so she doesn't worry.

I'm thinking, "This is my life..."
I'm usually a pretty positive person. But I also like to think I'm an intelligent and logical person. I don't mean to simply be this huge downer, but I'm not really sure where to go with that thought process anymore.

Maybe I will tomorrow. Or the next day. Um, or the next?

Just-
"Reach end of rope.
Solution: turn around self or turn around rope."
...Again?

I can relate

I can be thrown off by such small things but see it's not small at the same time. Maybe to others is small but for us it's akin to finishing a 5k race after just learning how to run but the race is done by the time you finish.

You built up the courage to shower, you made a plan to reach that goal, you struggled mentally to get dressed and brush your teath, you stressed your body physically to complete the goal only to find out they don't have what you need! Then knowing you couldn't succeed you had to physically put your body through hell again and make a different plan to complete your goal but you still don't have everything to complete it.

I struggle a lot with realizing that small things are huge accomplishments in my world. I often look around and think "this is my life? " so I completely understand but I try to take pride in the 'small' accomplishments because they aren't small to me.