[x_BabyG_x]

Hey guys, Just wondering if you could help shed some light on things - bit of an essay - sorry!!

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 19 (Im 23 now), and I havent been in therapy for a couple of years, its felt quite manageable until the beginning of this year.

However, recently I have developed a sneaking suspicion that I might also be BP.

When I was 20 I went through a major depressive episode, I ended up being violently agressive towards my partner and others, taking drugs, overdosing on whatever I could find and SIing. It got that bad that my partner eventually split with me and I wanted to die. I had to be watched over 24/7 so I didnt OD. I was put on fluoxetine to control the depression about a month or two before.

A week later I woke up one morning and I was on top of the world. I started reading the bible religiously and believing in God (everyone thought I was having another breakdown - In NO WAY am I religious!!). I had an undescribable violent feeling of life inside me, sometimes the euphoria was so intense just breathing in the air made me cry with happiness. All of a sudden I wanted a baby so bad, it was all I could think about (again, I was in no way maternal either, and id just started uni). Me and my partner got back together, we started trying for a baby and a few months later I convinced him to buy a house for us.

This carried on for a full year - I was the most positive, bubbly talkative and excited person, a total contradiction to the usual shy me. I thought it was the meds kicking in, but looking back (due to a recent GP session) aparently I stopped taking the meds a few weeks after this happened, I stopped SI'ing all of a sudden (after struggling with it since I was 12) and I voluntarily quit therapy. I had no depressive episodes at all in this year, I was just up. A few months in to the 'up year' I remember not being able to switch off at night, I stayed awake watching horror movies until about 3-4am every night which carried on for months.

I eventually got pregnant whilst carrying on studying and mood swings were up and down due to hormones and the birth of my daughter. I came down, felt normal for about a year, no highs, just stable.

After being fine for a while, this year has been shaken up again. Me and my partner started having problems and one day I realised I was really low again - I started to hate him with a passion, causing problems in our relationship. I had another depressive episode.

Then one day, a week or two I went 'up' again, big time. I loved life again, up the the point where I started to disconnect from reality, nothing seemed real around me. I split up with my partner -my hurt from the split was non existant. Id been with him for almost 6 years - all of a sudden i felt nothing for him. I planned to move miles away with my daughter, I managed off hardly any sleep, some nights I would go for a 2-3 day stint without any at all. I worked really hard, revising and mum duties almost 24/7... then it got bad. My sex drive went through the roof, up to the point where I couldnt function in my revision or other daily activities. It was like no matter how much I had sex - I could satisfy this intense urge. It was hoprrible! I started messaging other guys, going out and getting drunk desperate to get with others - even though I was still living in the family home and he wanted to try and make it work. When my exams came around, I just wanted to ruin them even though id been working hard at them for years - going out getting drunk again even though I had an exam a day or two later. I totally ****ed my exams up - i could not focus on my writing, and almost got up and left in the middle of one just for the fun of it. again, totally out of character - i ususally take my studies seriously. I stopped caring about the important things. This lasted about a month.

I had a period of normality for about two or three weeks, Then I crashed again. Another major depressive episode. I couldnt get out of bed - i was constantly napping throughout the day - stopped seeing my friends and stopped socialising. I went to see my GP - he put me on the waiting list to go back to see a pdoc. This lasted about a week and a half.

Then I was up again which lasted about a week (anxiety, rather than being 'high', however i did have heaps of energy and felt positive about life)- I went about 2 days without sleep, ironing at 4am (I never iron!!) I didnt need naps and if i tried to nap I couldnt switch off. When I did sleep, I was up and awake until 2am then wide awake again at 5. I had urges to do silly **** like stand in my underwear at midnight in my garden in a thunderstorm. My anxiety was so bad started disconnecting from reality again. I was constantly taking freezing cold showers to try and snap out of it. I started running every single night to get all my energy out, even though i hardly ate anything. I relapsed with my SI after 3 years of being fine with it. I convinced myself that it was a good idea, i felt good with it. I started getting bad paranoia, thinking all my family and friends were out to get me, even though i knew in reality that it wasnt real.

This week, I have felt totally stable. No depression, no anxiety or hyperactivity. i feel totally fine!!

what the hell is going on? Ive always agreed with my BPD diagnosis - i have bad rejection issues etc. But recently I just cant make sense of my unstable moods. I know that BP and BPD sometimes go hand in hand.

Sorry for the essay guys - i do have a telephone assessment with the pdoc next week to see what kind of treatment they want to give me, but I just wanted to get opinions of people who have daily experience of this!

Thank you for your time

[x_BabyG_x]

oh and in 2007 - i also impulsively packed in my education and moved to Cyprus. I lasted 4 months meanwhile I got deeply depressed, started SI'ing, dissociating and had to come home. I was 17.

[A Red Panda]

It could be.Talking with your pdoc will help figure it out! If you're having episodes of depression that last a long time, and episodes where you're loving life in an extreme way... then yeah, having bipolar could be possible.

It's quite common (as seen on the boards) to have both bipolar and BPD.

Sorry, rather out of it today but I wanted to give you a response!

[middlepath]

Yes, BP and BPD can be comorbid. I am glad you are scheduled for a phone app. with a pdoc. I think the key is that you get into euphoric and dissociative/paranoid states in the absence of meds. Make sure Pdoc knows you go through intensely euphoric periods.

From your post, it seems like you are taking the right actions...if it were me, I would be doing the same thing. Prozac sent me manic and Paxil started to also (caught it in time to not go through the roof though). Then I started Lithium (and have been doing everything else I can like good sleep, nutrition, exercise) and the waters have evened out quite a bit! I wish I had addressed this in my 20's the way you are...I would have saved myself from a ton of self-destrucive behavior and years spent in depression feeling like crap.

So, seems to me like you are heading down the right path. One last thing...I would print out what you just posted and save for when you talk with pdoc so that you don't forget critical info.

Best wishes.

[x_BabyG_x]

Thank you for your input guys, I guess im just trying to figure it all out in my head. the past few years have had me very confused by my own actions.
I used to go to therapy but had a break whilst I was 'stable' for a few years, im currently on the waiting list to see a psych again. I have a telephone assessment next week so ill just have to see how that goes. daunting getting back in to it all again!

[ultramar]

Welcome!

BPD can also be characterized by a good deal of impulsivity and also dissociation (some of what you describe sounds like dissociation) and a general dysregulation of emotions (up and down). I think it's difficult for pdoc's to distinguish, at first, until they get to know someone.

I'm glad you're getting an intake --though I hope you'll be able to see someone in person soon -take care!